Happiness

Three months after Preslee died, a deep dark hole seemed to engulf me. The darkness was consuming and terrifying. My head was suddenly filled with doubts, and I truly thought I could never be happy living without my daughter. My husband grieved so differently that I felt completely alone. The comments I had heard a million times over, "Oh, but she's in a better place," began taking a toll on my mind. I began thinking if she needed to go to a better place, I had most definitely failed as her mother... Once I let just a little doubt creep in, it consumed me and that deep dark hole seemed to grow deeper every single day.

Over time, and with a lot of hard work, I'm grateful that I eventually found my way out of that hole. It was a long and slow process and I give all credit to my Savior, who carried most of the load. The lessons I learned during that time changed my view on life, and more importantly, changed my relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I love this video for so many different reasons. What I wouldn't have given to hear this back then, nearly six years ago. I wanted to share for anyone experiencing the same thing as I did, my hope is to let  you know you don't have to do it alone.

“I suppose everybody will have some kind of an experience where they say, ‘I’m never going to be happy again....Well, we are going to be happy again. That is also a part of the plan. It’s the very nature of it. Hang on and hope. Never lose faith in your Father in heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. Never, ever doubt his love for you. Hold fast to the Atonement. Believe in miracles. When you’ve done all you can do, endure to the end. And remember, hope is never lost.”

-Elder Holland

A Full Heart

Thank you for all the love and excitement! We are thrilled to be adding another little girl into our family! It still seems almost too good to be true! I told Pat I wanted one more, because I really wanted to try for a girl. So after finding out I was pregnant, Pat lovingly suggested I plan on a boy, so I wouldn’t be devastated if we didn’t get a girl... Though I wouldn’t have been devastated, (Four boys would have been really fun!) I actually did plan on a boy. (We had a name and everything!) So being told we are having a girl made made for some really exciting news! 


This pregnancy has been similar to my others. I’ve craved cereal, milk, and sandwhiches. I’m now just getting over the nausea that began at week six. I’m really trying to appreciate everything, where this will be my last pregnancy. And let me just tell you, a single pregnancy is nothing compared to twins!

Shortly after finding out I was expecting, I asked Patrick for a priesthood blessing. After moving to UT, my asthma flared up, (Dang smog!)  which has caused my body to really struggle. With a few symptoms still present, I was a little worried how my body would handle being pregnant.


Pat agreed and gave me a blessing. Towards the end, he paused and became emotional. And so did I, after I heard what was said. I was blessed that the veil might be thin during this pregnancy, because Preslee hopes to be included in the welcoming of this baby into our family.

Pat was just as surprised as I was, and since then, I’ve thought a lot about that comment. I think sometimes I forget how wondrous the plan of salvation truly is. This upcoming July will mark six years since Preslee’s death, and during that time, I’ve learned a great deal about faith. We are taught individuals who pass on are happy and well taken care of, and I fully believe that. But something I haven’t thought much about is that she still has wants and needs. Those wants and needs might be different than what they would have been if she had never passed away, but what a sweet reminder for us as her parents that she is forever part of our family and is never truly far away.

I’m grateful that families really are eternal. That Patrick and I have been blessed with experiences that enable us to know that life does continue after death. And with those experiences, and what we have studied, I’m grateful we have learned for ourselves that the gospel of Jesus Christ is true.

I can’t help but want to savor every moment over the next few months. Knowing I’m carrying our last, and that our oldest is close by, Pat and I really do have our entire family together. It might be in a different way than we planned, but let me tell you, my heart has truly never been so full.

Love you Monkey.

Gratitude

Our very first Christmas together, Pat and I received a journal from Terry, Pat’s step mom. Inside, we found a talk given by Elder Eyring on the topic of gratitude. Since then, I’ve made it a goal to read it each year.

Elder Eyring encourages individuals to write a few lines in a journal each day on how they have seen the hand of God in their life. I’ve taken the challenge seriously, and haven’t missed a day during the last 8 weeks :) I can honestly say after actively looking for ways that I have been blessed has changed my perspective on life, and left me in a grateful state just in time for Thanksgiving.

I encourage you to listen to Elder Eyring’s advice if you’re looking for a way to make a positive change in your life. {Here} is the talk.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Because of Him

“Death has no sting,
The grave no victory”

Happy Easter.
I love this Holiday,
it’s such a sweet reminder
of everything we’ve all been given.

And it’s all because of Him.

LDS Ensign Article

I’m so excited to finally share this post!

About a year ago, I received a call from an unknown number. After I answered, the person on the other line asked if he was talking to “Preslee’s mom?” I immediately froze, being called “Preslee’s mom” isn’t something I hear very often, so it startled me. I was so shocked, I instantly started crying. The caller introduced himself as Elder Bradley Foster, and explained he was writing an article for the LDS Ensign, (The Ensign magazine of the LDS church contains first presidency messages, visiting teaching messages, and other spiritual articles.) I grew up reading the magazine my entire life. Elder Foster explained he was hoping to write his article about Preslee and our family. While fighting tears, I of course said yes. He said he would be in touch soon, and as I hung up, I sat and cried, thinking about how our little girl definitely is determined to share her message with the world!

I worked with Elder Foster, and a few people from the magazine until it was finished, and then we sat waiting for it to be published for months!

Elder Foster is a wonderful person. He was amazing to work with and always very thoughtful. As a thank you, he gave us tickets to last year’s April General Conference, where we were able to meet him! I posted about our trip {here}.

As Pat and I sat reading the article tonight, we discussed how a common fear for parents who lose children is that they will be forgotten. So, for more people to read about Preslee’s life and story is truly an honor. Another tender mercy really. We still desperately miss our daughter, but its been amazing to be taught so much by her over the past few years. We couldn’t be more proud. She has accomplished more than we could have ever hoped for in such a short time.

 Thank you Elder Foster for sharing Preslee’s story. We’ll eternally be grateful. I simply cannot wait to pull this article out in the future, to help teach her three younger brothers who she truly is.

We love you Monkey!

Read the full article with pictures {here} pg. 64

Or the article {here}.

Drowning

For a long time, I struggled with the thought of Preslee drowning. As her mom, I felt I had failed her when I wasn’t there when she needed me most. I had reoccurring nightmares of the pain I thought she must have experienced while in the canal. At times it consumed me.

Months later I began reading different accounts of drowning victims who later lived to tell their story. It didn’t matter their religion, I wanted to know what they had experienced. Even if I was skeptical of their story, it surprised me how similar all of the stories all were. They all talk about peace, and very little pain - if they felt any at all.

A sweet reader sent me this video clip, and I wanted to share it with anyone else struggling with the same feelings I once felt. After receiving many of your stories, and reading so many personal accounts, I truly believe Preslee didn’t struggle for very long, and her spirit left this world in a peaceful state.

The video below is about an orthopedic surgeon, named Mary Neal. I know a lot of people don’t believe in these kinds of things, but I truly am grateful for those who share their experiences with death. They’ve definitely helped a devastated grieving mom more than they will ever know.

You can find Mary’s book here.

Have any of you read any interesting/comforting books? If so, I’d love to know which ones.

God’s Love

There’s simply nothing else I can add to this video, but I also testify evil does not always win. Sometimes I wish you could all read the e-mails we’ve received. I was brought to tears just this past week, when I opened an e-mail and read a complete stranger continues to pray for our family. Still – three years later, people are praying for us. It’s incredibly humbling, and often times I wonder why we’ve been given so many blessings.

Thank you for being the people in our life who continue to remind us, “How strong and how big God’s love really is.”

We wouldn’t be where we are today without all of you.

Death is Nothing at All

Pat recently decided to run for city council again, and we’re in the middle of elections right now. (Vote Sullenger Nov. 5th!)

A few weeks ago, each candidate turned in a biography to the local paper. Shortly after Pat turned his in, he received a phone call from one of the paper’s employees. Their conversation went a little like this:

The employee said, “I think you made a mistake in your bio, you stated you have four kids, but only mentioned three.”

Pat thought back over his article, and replied, “Are you sure? I’m pretty sure I mentioned four.”

Without hesitation, the employee responded, “Yes, you mentioned Preslee, and then Ledger, Cannon, and Cruiz.

Now Pat was really confused, he sat there in silence for a moment, when he suddenly understood. He kindly responded, “We’ve had four kids, and just because we lost our daughter, doesn’t mean we don’t continue to count her as a member of our family.”

The employee’s response was a little awkward, and Pat felt like the employee thought he was crazy for counting Preslee as a member of the family. Their conversation quickly came to an end.

Though this experience was mild, we, along with friends, have dealt with much more at times. We’ve come to realize many people feel the same way about death. In their eyes, it’s a taboo topic, and there’s never a reason to discuss it. They tend to act as if the person who died never existed, and feel very uncomfortable when reminded of them. Most often, it seems these people have had very little experience with death.

Our view couldn’t be more different. Yes, Preslee died, but Pat and I both know she continues to exist. Though she isn’t physically with us anymore, her spirit continues to live, and reside elsewhere. Therefore, everything about her wasn’t buried in that tiny pink and white casket we placed into the ground three short years ago.

We know her life meant something, and she influenced many, and she continues to do so with this blog. I carried and delivered her like any other child who’s lived in this world. She made us parents, and we were fortunate enough to spend 18 months with her. She taught us many irreplaceable lessons. We cannot, and will not pretend she never existed. Pat and I have never heard anyone who lost a parent state they never had a mom or a dad, but many people don’t understand why we continue to count our child.

Some of you might feel our beliefs are a little off, and that’s okay. But please don’t feel the need to constantly tell us. I’ve had people ask, “Do you really believe in life after death? How can you be so sure?” I’m going to be a little bold, and state, we don’t only believe it, we know it. Life after death is no longer a topic of faith, it’s now become knowledge – due to the many personal and sacred experiences we’ve been blessed with. Experiences which are far too sacred to share over the internet, but we testify those who pass away continue to live.

These experiences have changed us down to our very core. Because when you understand this world isn’t the end, it changes everything about you. It becomes life changing. That’s why in last weeks post, I explained how I desperately hope my boys will have experiences with their older sister, and they will be able to remember it. I strongly feel it will put them on a different path in life, just like it did their parents.

So I beg you, even if you don’t believe the way we do, please don’t make us feel awkward for remembering our child. Just because she’s out of sight, does not mean she doesn’t continue to exist. She has more involvement with our family than you probably realize.

(March 2009)

 And because of those reasons, I’ll continue onward as a proud mom, who loves and remembers her daughter, just as much as her three boys. Because Preslee continues to influence me in ways her brothers never will. 

 

Death is Nothing at All

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.

Henry Scott Holland

Anchor in Heaven

After dropping Ledger off at my parent’s house, I drove off in a hurry, hoping to make it to at least one Doctor’s appointment on time. I pulled in with one minute to spare, and found my self struggling against the all too common Rexburg wind with a baby carrier in each hand. After squeezing through the front door, I collapsed in the first available chair and let a loud sigh of relief - I had made it. I hadn’t been waiting long, when a little old man walked by, and as he placed his hands on the door, he stopped and looked back at me to ask, “Two babies?” I laughed, and replied “Yep, two.” Before I knew it he was sitting next to me, bent over, and peering into the carriers.

Him: “Boys? Girls?”

Me: “Two boys.” 

Him: “Hmmm, two boys…. How old?

Me: “10 weeks.”

The man got a sweet look in his eyes and said, “Years ago, we lost one not much older.”

I turned to look him in the eyes, and expressed my condolences, and said, “I’ve lost one too, 18 months old.”

Him: “You’ve lost one? How?”

Me: “She fell into a canal, and drowned. She was our only child at the time, and since then, we’ve had three boys.”

Him: “How long has it been?”

Me: “Three years.”

He nodded, and we sat there together in the waiting room, both of us letting our guard down, both softening.

Me: “Can I ask how you lost yours?”

Him: “SIDS. Never an explanation.”

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s so hard.”

Him: “Yes, yes it was.”

I began tending to the twins, when he asked, “Is your little girl buried around here?”

Me: “Yes, in Archer.”

Him: “Good. Good. I now find myself driving out to the cemetery quite often, and let me tell you, after all these years, it’s usually no longer painful, just sweet.”

We stared at each other for a moment, and while I was looking at him, I realized this sweet little old man was a tender mercy.

Me: “Just sweet?”

Him: “Yes, and after awhile you’ll find having an anchor in heaven will become a blessing. But we lost our baby on my Birthday, in October, remembering it each year makes for a hard day.” I saw the pain I know all too well return to his eyes.

I acknowledged how difficult that would be, and proceeded to explain how grateful we were the twins were born the day after Preslee’s Angelversary.

Him: “Yes, yes, I can imagine. In time, you will see that Heavenly Father didn’t have to take her, but there was a reason. You will see the good, and the blessings.”

He was in the middle of a sentence when a lady walked through the door and called, “Cannon and Cruiz.” When he realized those names belonged to the twins, he nervously jumped to his feet, and walked towards the door. As his hands reached the handle, he turned back to say, “Enjoy those two, it looks like the Lord certainly blessed you.” 

I watched him walk out the door, and then looked down at my boys.

I couldn’t have agreed more.  

3 Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation.

4 For after much tribulation come the blessings. Wherefore the day cometh that ye shall be crowned with much glory; the hour is not yet, but is nigh at hand.

Just like the words I’m holding on to from that sweet man, I’ll continue to grasp on to the scripture stated above. I know at this exact moment, my natural eyes don’t allow me to see or understand all the reasons for Preslee’s death, but I realize I do know a lot more than I did three years ago, which helps ease the pain.

With hard work, I pray my knowledge increases over the decades, and someday I’ll be the one telling a young mom who is at the beginning of her difficult journey, “It’s usually no longer painful, just sweet.” 

And verse 4 is reassuring as it states “After much tribulation come the blessings.” I know that even though the pain is overwhelming, one day, I’ll be rewarded when I’m able to hold my own little anchor in heaven.

Love you Preslee.

What Defines You?

I cried myself to sleep for months after losing our daughter Preslee. Pat had a difficult time sleeping, and would often stay awake on our couch, rather than tossing and turning in bed all night. One morning he walked into our bedroom, after he had listened to me cry myself to sleep the night before, and lovingly said:

“I don’t want Preslee’s death to define us. I don’t want to be known as that couple whose lives fell apart when they lost their daughter and they never truly lived again.”

These are the words that come to mind when I find myself struggling. I’m lucky he’s been the one by my side through everything.

Fast forward two years later, which was just last summer. I’d reached a point where I no longer grieved heavily on a daily basis, and rarely cried myself to sleep anymore. But one summer night, I remember struggling more than usual. Ledger was already in bed, and I decided to take a drive by myself, which is always a safe place to break down and cry. Before long, I found myself on the way to the cemetery. I pulled in front of Preslee’s headstone, and cried while listening to one of my favorite cds, that’s when the distinct thought came to my mind:

“Make it count. Make the time we are separated count, so when we are reunited, we'll both be able to say it was worth all the hard work.”

I immediately felt comforted, and sat contemplating those words. How do I make it count? I thought about the New Year’s Resolution I had made 7 months earlier, I was trying to figure out a way fill the ache I had as a mother to physically do something for my daughter. I wanted more Preslee time in my life, and more moments to feel like her mom again. I decided I would still make time for her, and pray for guidance to serve in a unique situation every single month. After thinking of my resolution, the thought came to mind:

“That’s just the beginning.”

As 2013 rolled around, I thought of my experience at the cemetery, and once again made it my New Year’s resolution.

When I think back to Pat’s words, and my experience at the cemetery, I realize with hard work, and keeping an eternal perspective, Preslee’s death doesn’t have to define us in a negative way, but rather, it can define us in a beautiful way. If we allow it to, our lives can be molded and shaped into something that wasn’t possible before we experienced the heartache and tears. My hope is that years down the road, Pat and I will be able to make every second of our life count. I sincerely hope service becomes second nature to us and is being acted upon a daily basis. I pray we won’t neglect anything the Lord needs us to accomplish.

When we are reunited with our daughter in future, I really do hope all three of us will be able to say:

“It really was worth it, wasn’t it?”

This brings me back to my question, “What Defines You?”

I’ve come to realize it’s often the most difficult and painful moments in our lives that determines who we choose to be.

Four

One week from today, this little girl should be turning 4.

Every Birthday, I try to imagine what she would be like today. What would her interests be? What would she ask for? How long would her hair would be? What would it be like to hear her talk? And then I force those those thoughts out of my mind, because I simply can't imagine her as a 4 year old.

One of the many lessons I've learned from losing Preslee is how powerful motherhood truly is.

Even though Preslee isn't physically with us anymore, I still think about her, worry about her, pray for her, hope she is happy and finding success in whatever she might be doing. I realize I'm still her mom, and all of the motherly feelings and emotions I have for Ledger, still exist for Preslee. None of those feelings were buried along with her, which surprised me at first. I was so scared I wouldn't feel like her mom anymore.

December 17th will always be her Birthday, and each year, I find that I still want to make it 'her' day. I want to give her something she really does want. After 3 years, it seems like I'm always led to the same thing...service.

For Preslee's 2nd Birthday we held the Pay It Forward Project, where hundreds of you got involved, and I loved it with all my heart. PCMC didn't have room to store the boxes of bags, so each time my parents drove to UT they filled their SUV with boxes and dropped them off at the front desk. Just last month, the last of the bags were delivered. As desperately as I wish we could repeat this, Pat and I just don't have the space to store the boxes, and a vehicle to transport them. My parents were amazing, and pretty much took over, but I don't want the task to be placed on anyone but us. (It's a big task) I'm hoping we will be able to repeat the project in the future.

Over the past two years, I've received e-mails, asking if we plan on repeating the Pay It Forward project again, expressing it was a wonderful opportunity to serve, and a great way to teach children the importance of service. After the question kept repeating itself, my mind began racing. If others are wanting to get involved, I'd be crazy to turn them down. After a lot of thought and prayer, I decided to take it in a little different direction.

Have you heard of RAK?

Random Acts of Kindness?

(If not, read about it here, minus the Christmas part)

I thought what else could be better?

Anyone can get involved, wherever they live, spend what they can afford, all the while making the world a better place.

I don't think there's much more Preslee would want for her Birthday.

So this is what our little family will be doing next Monday, along with a trip to the cemetery.

If you wish to get involved, click here to print the image below. If you have problems, feel free to e-mail me ashleysullenger(at)gmail(dot)com and I'll e-mail you the page.

I hope these kinds of things become traditions in our home, because I feel it's the perfect way to teach Ledger about his sister, and all that she accomplished in a short 18 months.

General Conference 2012

Every six months, the LDS church holds General Conference in SLC, UT; where our Prophet, Apostles, and other church leaders speak world wide to all the members and anyone interested in hearing their words. This conference I was blown away by the doctrine and truth that was shared, and for whatever reason, I felt an urgency to begin working on a few different areas in my life. I decided it's time to stop making excuses for myself, and get to work.

The week before conference, there was a special broadcast for the women of the church. And after attending that broadcast, and listening to all four sessions of general conference, I noticed many speakers mentioned the trial of losing a child. Elder Shayne M. Bowen shared his own story of losing his son Tyson, and his experience with grief. I'm often asked what my beliefs are about death, and I felt his words beautifully explained my own feelings and everything I've been taught.  

Triumphant

 

(Ledger loves his Grandpa Sullenger)

 As a kid, I spent many hot summer days floating on inner tubes down different canals. They were a big part of my summers, along with floating the Snake River behind my house. I practically lived in the water.

Now, because of Preslee's experience, even the thought of a canal makes me sick. Only once have I walked out to the edge of my in-laws yard since the accident. I just can't seem to handle it.

 The canal lies between the house and a golf course. Last year when Pat and I went golfing, I panicked as we played the 13th hole, I guess you could say I had an anxiety attack and cried until we went home. I hate when we drive the golf cart over the bridge, and will do anything to go clear around on the road while going back and forth. My natural instinct is to never allow Ledger outside while we're there, but after keeping him inside last Thursday, and watching him stare at his cousin playing on the patio, I realized I can't do this to him forever. He can't be a 12 yr old being told he can't go outside...
Ugh.

I wasn't sure why, but last week, I felt as if something was pushing me to run on my old running path - to the lake, around, and back. The last time I ran on that road, I was pushing Preslee in her stroller. It wasn't until I was running that I understood why I've avoided running there, I came to realize, deep down I knew I would have to run over the canal. I knew I would have to look at it. The canal runs from my in-laws, under the highway, and to the field where she was found, just a ways down from where I was running that day. I've never had anyone show me the exact spot where she was found, I don't really want to know.

Once again I thought about the phrase, "I can do hard things" as I ran across the bridge and over the canal. I couldn't help but notice the very high and fast moving water. I ran a gruesome 2 more miles thinking about what my daughter's body endured that day. As soon as I crossed that bridge on the way back, I ignored the fact I was running my very best time, and stopped in front of every cow, bird, dog, and cat we came across and pointed them out to Ledger. 

While he grinned at the cows, and I was crouched down next to him signing their name, I couldn't help but feel the love of two kids radiating towards their mom.

D&C 42:46 And it shall come to pass that those who die in me shall not taste of death, for it shall be sweet unto them. 

In the hospital, Preslee was given a Priesthood blessing. She was told there were angels surrounding her in the canal and they continued to watch over her in the hospital room. That's why Pat and I believe she didn't have a single scratch on her perfect little body. A true miracle, after looking at the canal last week.

Then on Friday, Pat and I faced our fears together as the family gathered to eat dinner outside. We let Ledger play in the backyard with his cousins. The nervous glances Pat and I exchanged throughout the night became of comfort, knowing I wasn't alone worrying.





As I was chasing Ledger across the lawn, I couldn't help but think about chasing his older sister, just minutes before we left for the movies.
I can still hear her giggling.


I realized I'll always be a wreck in that backyard, and nervous around water in general. But hopefully it will get easier with time. It's been a big week for me, and if it's alright to say, I'm definitely proud of myself for standing triumphant over my fears.

Mormon?

While watching TV or looking at magazines, there always seems to be a story about an individual in the media that is twisted, exaggerated or even false. It's a common occurrence and we seem to witness it on a daily basis. 

 I've never been included in such situations, well, not until recently.
_________________________________________________

 
I'm a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, (aka Mormon or LDS)

And with Mitt Romney running for President, there seems to be a lot of talk floating around about this religion in the media.

 

(Ann and Mitt Romney)

At first, I was intrigued by what others thought. Then, it became an eye opening experience to have others, who aren't members themselves, inform me of my beliefs.

 My religion is a big part of who I am, so I guess I'm hoping to explain a big part of myself to you. 



As a member of the LDS church, I can assure you the church has good intentions. Just like every other religion, the members aren't perfect, but one of the main things I've been taught while attending church is to "love thy neighbor" and serve those around me. 

The LDS church gives money and welfare to members and nonmembers (I've heard otherwise) on a daily basis. Did you know once a month, members are encouraged to fast for 2 meals and donate what they would have spent on that food to the church? The donated money is called "fast offerings" and then spent to help individuals all over the world.

 When tragedies or natural disasters happen, the LDS members are often the first to arrive, helping both physically and financially. 

(Relief supplies staged at the Miami airport for shipment to Haiti, January 2010.

Mormon.org)

 I've heard many different things about LDS Temples. I can assure you positive things happen inside. I recently came across this article, written by a woman of a different faith. She gives her point of view on our Temples.

Salt Lake City Temple

But, out of all the false statements that I've heard, the one that seems to bother me the most is when I am informed I am not a Christian.

There's no doubt I would consider myself a Christian. For starters, look at the name of the church, Jesus Christ can be found in the title. I know I've shared many posts about my relationship with our Savior, and I do know that He lives and atoned for our sins. I've constantly leaned on Him throughout the past two years, and know it is because of Him my family will all be reunited someday.

Since the accident occurred, I've received e-mails asking questions about my beliefs as a member of the LDS faith. If you're interested in learning what we believe, visit this site here. You can start with viewing my profile, and search through hundreds more.

 We believe the Book of Mormon goes right along with the Bible. Yes, we believe in the Bible, and believe the Book of Mormon is also scripture. Members are encouraged to read it on a daily basis. 
If you are interested in reading this book, I'm more than willing to send you a copy with a personalized letter. Just send me an e-mail, or visit this site to request your own free copy.

I guess what I'm getting at is I hope you won't form an opinion about the LDS church or it's members solely based off what the media says-because it isn't all true. I can assure you that we don't have horns, we aren't polygamists, (I really am Patrick's only wife) we don't belong to a cult, all Mormon families don't have a million kids, and there are even some who would consider themselves democrats.  :)

I have been able to learn so much about different religions from conversing with many of you through e-mail. I've learned that even though some of our beliefs may be different, we are often more alike than we think - we have good intentions, our family is incredibly important to us, and we try to be the best person we can be. 

What could be more important than that?

(pictures taken from the internet)

Easter

This week we had a couple of bright sunny days, which inspired me to make a trip to the cemetery. While Ledger and I were were heading out of town, I realized I was starving, so I pulled through Subway, grabbed a sandwich and continued on our way.

Have I ever told you how much I love the cemetery Preslee is buried in? It's always sunny, there is rarely anyone else there visiting, it's in the middle of nowhere, all in which makes it incredibly peaceful. 

Once Ledger and I arrived, I tied up a little Easter Basket. On the headstone, I placed a little blue stone that my aunt Desi sent us. She explained the stone reminded her of Preslee's eyes, and her love for rock collecting. As I went to get Ledger out of the car, I noticed he was fast asleep. 

What a tender mercy. 

I sat down in the sunshine, listened to the birds chirp, ate my sandwich, all while thinking of Preslee.

As I gazed at that little lamb in the Easter basket, I became overwhelmed with gratitude. I know I said it last year, but I now look at Easter very differently.  As I sat on the grass, in the exact spot where Patrick and I will be buried one day, I had an overwhelming feeling of gratitude for our Savior. I am so grateful for His sacrifice, which will allow our little family to be reunited in the future. 

What a blessing it will be for our children to have an older sister constantly watching over them, helping them throughout their life. I couldn't help but think about the day Preslee will be placed in our arms once again. She'll have even better, more patient parents as we've learned from life experiences and will have her siblings gathered around her, helping her in return as she grows. 
It's a cycle.
An amazing blessing. 
All because of Jesus Christ.

I hope you all have an incredibly Happy Easter weekend. I love everything about this Holiday, hopefully we'll all remember the glorious thing it stands for.

Our Savior.

Inspiration

What an incredible example,
at such a young age.

(Pause the playlist at the bottom)

Finding that Eternal Perspective

Today was a bad day. Sledge Hammer had a hard day too. He's teething, his first tooth broke through, his second is on the way and very close. Then Patrick came home, and I noticed he also had a hard day. We are ready for some things to go away ...

We've received too many letters about Preslee lately. Letters dealing with business about her death. I hate receiving letters like these. It gives me anxiety.

One keeps reoccurring from the state, we're trying to figure out how to take care of it. It's complicated.

Headstone business. We were lied to and are trying to sort it all out. The rare white granite we paid sooo much for is actually marble... Thank you to the anonymous lady who left the comment on the blog tipping us off. We appreciate it.

Another from compassionate friend, which was actually a nice one, they told me they were thinking about us with her Birthday coming up. So I guess I did appreciate this one.

One from the IRS stating someone else also claimed Preslee's as a dependent on their tax return for 2010. This gave me major anxiety. Hopefully we'll get it all sorted out tomorrow.

We tried to let Preslee be an organ donor when she passed away, but things didn't go well. Complications occurred and they weren't able to accept any of her organs. The company felt we tried our best, so they send us information in the mail, just as if we were any other family of an organ donor... I hate it. I need to get on their site and figure out how to take our names off the list, but I don't really want to even look at their site or call. They mean well, and we appreciate the gesture, but every time I see their letters come through, it brings back horrible memories. Nothing went right that day.

So to say the least, I've had some anxiety. Anxiety from the Holidays, and from some other situations I won't go into.

But then tonight, I came across this article. Boy, can she write. Phenomenal. She truly answered my prayers. She brought back that eternal perspective that is so difficult to keep when you find yourself in the thick of trials. She brought me back to our Savior and reminded me He understands. He understands perfectly. So when I think there isn't anyone to talk to who will truly understand, I need to remember I need to get on my knees a little more often. If you are in need of some spiritual enlightenment, read Michelle Newman's article. Even if you've never lost a child, I'm sure all of us can relate.

After reading her article, here are two major blessings in my life. My two boys.

Beautiful Heartbreak

Trials. We all have them. Some are visible, and some are more personal and hidden from the world. It has been 16 months since we lost Preslee. Crazy. In just a few months we'll have lived longer without her than the time we spent with her here on earth. That's a painful thought. Extremely painful.

Grief comes in waves, I think it's going to be a never ending cycle. I hate the thought of that. Yesterday I took out a purse I haven't used in a long time. Inside it, I found a size 4 diaper and a sparkly pink clip, both belonged to Preslee. I thought to myself how does the center and focus of my life just suddenly disappear? I sat there on the floor, held that little bow, grabbed her pink blanket and of course let the tears come. I haven't cried like that in such a long time. Sometimes tears are healing...

I recently read this talk by Richard G Scott. He speaks of temples and trials. He's truly an amazing man. He lost his wife and two children. I was a little taken back when he said this.

"I have never complained because I know it was His will. I have never asked why but rather what is it that He wants me to learn from this experience. I believe that is a good way to face the unpleasant things in our lives, not complaining but thanking the Lord for the trust He places in us when He gives us the opportunity to overcome difficulties."

I've thought a lot about this over the past week. Trust? I've never looked at it in that way. It's too easy to look at trials as punishment when you're hurting inside. Since I read this talk, I've repeatedly told myself He trusts that I can overcome this trial.

And what has He wanted me to learn?

I'm sure there are many more I will discover in the future, but as of now,

• compassion
• patience
• love
• gratitude
• humility
• charity
• service
• power of prayer
• importance of scripture study
• families can be together forever
• the importance of temple work, 
• and most importantly, how important my relationship with Jesus Christ is.

I feel like I was put on one path and stayed on it until we lost Preslee. Then I ventured onto another. I think if I do what I need to, this path will lead me to where I want to be much faster than the other. Though I'm impatient with myself and want everything to be fixed, I understand I'm working through it and making improvement. I'll be the first to admit I'm not at the level Elder Scott is, never complaining and always thanking, but I hope to be there one day.

I'm trying. I really am.

So today I'm going to try to be thankful for what I have learned over the past 16 months. I'm going to try and figure out what He still wants me to learn. I'm positive I was supposed to see this music video. My uncle and sister-in-law both sent it to me within 30 minutes of each other. The song is beautiful and definitely hit home.

"I used to pray He'd take it all away, but instead, it became a beautiful heartbreak."

This is my goal, to let it become a beautiful heartbreak.

A Good Grief

The internet is amazing. Simply amazing. Without it, learning to deal with losing Preslee would have been drastically different. We've been able to come in contact with so many great couples who have walked in our shoes. They've contacted us and shown their love and support, it's given us something to aim for. There are a few women who have given me hope...that it will be alright again. I've watched how they've handled the intense grief and heartache that comes from burying a child and I've set goals to become like them. They've made the best of their situations and have blogged about their journey.

One of the couples is Vic and Molly Jackson. They lost their daughter Lucy, their only child at the time a couple months before her 2nd Birthday. Below is the short documentary BYUtv made on their family. You'll also see the Saville family from Pocatello who lost their little Gabriel the same week we lost Preslee.

I wanted to share the video to let others know they created A Good Grief which is a website to help people with grieving. The website also takes donations to help family's pay for children's headstones. We know how expensive headstones are and feel grateful we've had help of our own. As I watched this video I of course cried. The hospital was a very emotional place for our family and I hate that others have to experience similar things to what we went through. But to see where they are today, and what they have accomplished is inspiring.

Christmas season

I haven't known what to think about the Holidays. We haven't put up any decorations. We actually haven't talked much about it. It's easier to avoid it. Then last night a couple stopped by, and gave us a wooden scene of Joseph, Mary, and baby Jesus. It has been on my mind all day.

Tonight Dorsie and Terry (Pat's dad and step-mom) invited us to attend an "Angel Ceremony" in Idaho Falls. On December 6th, at 6:00 PM, people across the world (I think 126 different sites) gather and participate in a small ceremony for people who have lost children. Its based off the novel the Christmas Box. Its held outside, and it was freezing so it didn't last too long, but I thought it was nice. Sometimes its a good thing to realize there are other people who are struggling with the same challenges we are. Its too easy to become consumed with our own problems.

Then tonight, I clicked on this little video. It hit me, I've been focusing on the wrong aspects of Christmas. If anyone should celebrate the birth of our Savior, its Patrick and I. Because of Christ we have eternal families and it's because of Him we've made it through the last 5 months. Our relationship with the Savior has grown immensely. So I may not put up all of our Christmas decorations this year, but I will be putting up the ones focused on Christ.

I thought I'd share this cute little video. Enjoy. (Pause the play list)