Sending Love

9/13/2014

My heart broke today when I read two stories that were sent to me.

After losing Preslee, I told Pat I hope we will be well off in the future, because I want to be able to do things for others that have been done for us.

I want to be able to afford to fly a family three hours away so they can be waiting at the hospital when their daughter arrives after being life-flighted. I want to be able to send money to a family staying at PCMC so they can afford to eat in the cafeteria and stay close to their loved one. I want to be able to help a family pay for their child’s headstone. I want to be able to send a family who finds themselves buried in grief a gift card to Texas Roadhouse with a sweet card telling them to have a fun night out.

Though we’re not at the point in life, we still try to give when we can.

Anyway, he
re are the two stories I read today. Even a dollar helps.

The first, a family from my own town, Rigby ID. I cannot imagine losing all three of my children to a genetically inherited disorder.

{The Lear Family}

lear family

The second, a mom to five kids, was diagnosed with cancer while 26 weeks pregnant with her sixth child. She was recently told she had days, maybe weeks left to live.

{The Taylor Family}

headline_Kathy

Here’s to hoping we can change these two family’s lives the way so many of you did ours.

Out and About with Twins

9/09/2014

After braving the F2TF 5K, we realized we run most errands when the boys are asleep. The boys don’t get out much, and we decided we need to change that. (You should have seen them at a restaurant…)  In UT we stopped at Target, placed the twins in a double cart, and realized they had only sat in a shopping cart once (Well Cannon had, Cruiz was strapped to my chest in my moby wrap) The twins went nuts, it was like the most exciting thing they had ever done, screaming with delight, leaning over the sides, and pulling things off shelves. Pat was so embarrassed, he kept saying, “We’re that family…” haha

Yes Pat, we’re definitely that family.

twins

We are trying to introduce our boys to life outside our house (and Grandma’s house) so braved a trip to Red Robin.

twins

To the Eastern Idaho Fair.
The twins were loved the tiger’s ear as much as I did.

twinsEastern Idaho State FairEastern Idaho State FairEastern Idaho State Fair

Family Home Evening at the Idaho Falls Temple Visitors Center.

Temple visitors centerTemple visitors center

What have I learned?

  • Online shopping is the way to go :)
  • More stores need to invest in double carts.
  • People love to tell me I have my hands full.
  • And I should make Pat go more places with us, the way he reacts is hilarious.

Kindergarten

9/03/2014

I should be…
Waking up early.
Excited.
Making breakfast, getting a little girl ready.
Helping her put on her new shoes, clothes, and a backpack.
Taking pictures on our front step.

I should be… loading up four kids to drop my oldest off at school.
Wondering where the time has went as I watch a little 5 year old bounce into her classroom.

I should be…
Anxiously waiting for the hours to pass by,
taking care of her brothers, and loading them up to walk the few blocks to pick her up.

I should be…
Pulling out cookies from the oven, placing a cookie in front of Preslee,
asking her all about her big day at school.

I should be doing a lot of things today.
But I’m not.

Instead, I’m reminded of what we’re missing as I watch family & friends post pictures of their five year olds on social media. If I could do it all over again, I would stay off social media for awhile.
Because it stings.

grief quote

I think the reason missing this milestone has been so painful is because today I realized I’m not only letting go of one dream, but 13 others. Preslee will never have a first day of school, not today, not in 13 years from now, or ever in between.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to have not lost our oldest. Would it be any softer to have already experienced a child attending school?
I guess we’ll never know.

As I process the statement up above, I realize it’s time to focus on new hopes and dreams, but at this moment I’m not sure what those need to be.

Uchtdorf service quote

So I think I’ll make today a “Preslee day.” Instead of loading the boys to drop her off at school, I’ll drive them around and find some way to serve. Maybe it will even help me understand what new goals and dreams I need to set, because I’ve learned there’s a lot to let go of when a mom loses her only daughter.

There’s so much that I drastically miss,
and days like today don’t seem to help any.

Ashpres_copy 

We miss you, Preslee.

Checklist

9/02/2014

When someone dies, there’s a list of things that need to be accomplished for the family members left behind. Each list varies, and tasks are preformed at different times.
Preslee’s list—well, it’s almost finished.

checkmarkViewing
checkmarkPurchase plot in cemetery
checkmarkFuneral
checkmarkPay It Forward Project
checkmarkOrder/Design Headstone
checkmarkPack Up Her Room/Belongings
checkmarkPlace Headstone
checkmarkBuy/Create Binder to Tell Her Story
checkmarkBuy memory box
checkmarkOrganize her belongings, Decide What to Keep
    Make a blanket/Decide What to Do With Her Clothes


Can you believe it? Only one item left. The blanket is nearly finished, and I am in love. I can’t wait to show all of you. It turned out better than I imagined it would. For all of you thinking about making one for yourself, do it! I’ll share what I learned when it’s  finished.

There’s mixed emotions to be finishing up my list. On one end It feels like a weight has been lifted, but at the same time, it feels so…final.

 

Also, the winner of Chirp Chirp Designs Giveaway is Lacey McKee! Hurry up and e-mail me, and we’ll get things going!

Momma

8/27/2014

Dear Cannon,

Until I had you, I never realized how much bonding takes place in the hospital just after giving birth between the mom and baby. Instead of spending hours cuddling you in a hospital room, you went straight into the NICU. For the first two weeks of your life I only had a few hours to spend with you each day. Nurses told me when it was okay to hold you, when to feed you, when to let you sleep, they controlled every aspect of our life together. And to make matters worse, those few hours we had each day were divided between you and your twin brother. I felt like we had a slow start.

Twins in NicuTwins in NICU
(Just a few days old, and he looks so different now!)

When you were released from the NICU, I was incredibly optimistic. But colic set in all too quickly, and suddenly you and your brother were struggling to function. I remember telling your dad that part of the reason I felt those months were so difficult was because I felt like I still hadn’t fully bonded with either of you. It sounds weird, and is hard to explain, but it was different this time around. It wasn’t until we took you off dairy that I finally saw the “real” you, and the only person you seemed to want was your brother and visa versa. I was happy to see you both had each other, and thought maybe this is how the whole twin thing works, they just don’t need their mom as much.

twin problems(Cannon, Cruiz 12 Months)

A few months later Cruiz proved that theory wrong when he became attached to my hip. If he wasn’t with you, he wanted me. But no matter how hard I tried, you kept to yourself. Obviously I am your mom, and there were times you needed me, but if something went wrong you usually went to Cruiz before me. It felt like you had put a wall up (with not only me) and I was ready to figure out a way to knock it down.

twin problems

Just after your first Birthday, I discussed the problem with you dad and we decided he was going to spend more time with Cruiz, and you were all mine. Where you weren’t as demanding, I was going to reward that quality. If I came into a room, I was going to pick you up first. If both you and your brother needed something, I’d choose you first. I spent hours taking you off playing with you by yourself. At first, it didn’t seem to make a difference, I felt like I was repeatedly banging my head against that wall you had put up, but about a month later, that wall began to crumble.

twin problems

I’m not sure what changed, but to my surprise you decided you wanted me—all the time! You now run for me, you’ll even try to outrun Cruiz when you I enter a room. If I pick up Cruiz you become frustrated and grab my leg and cry. You’re emotional. So much at times, we’re not quite sure how to handle it, but I’m okay with it, I feel like we’re making up for lost time. :) You’ve become more affectionate, and the big slobbery kisses you freely give me have become the highlight of my day. And my heart officially melted when you reached up for me and said, “Momma,” your very first word. I was smitten.

twin problems

Cannon, you have an irresistible grin. You share some of your sister’s best qualities, and I can’t help but stare and kiss your cheeks a million times a day. You are great with people, and have no problem making friends wherever you go. I love the way you look out for Cruiz, and tend to be the peacemaker in our family. I feel like you’ve been holding back, and are now just taking flight. Remember you can do anything, and that your Momma will always be right behind you, supporting you every step of the way.

twin problems

Love you buddy,

Momma

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