Grief vs. Mourning

Grief can be such an isolating journey, but every now and then I seem to connect to someone who seems to understand. Sometimes it's in person and other times it's online. Either way, I'm grateful they choose to share their difficult journey with others because it reminds me that we aren't always alone.

Over the years there have been a few articles on grief that have really spoken to me. The first was the piano post, the second, a post describing grief is like a child who needs to be taken care of, and then I read a new one today. It's titled:

"Our Experience of Grief is Unique as a Fingerprint"

The article helped me make new connections that I had never made before. I hope you enjoy the author's insights as much as I did.

Do you have a favorite article on grief? If so, I'd love to know what it is. 

Random Acts of Kindness Day

Years ago, we asked our readers to leave random acts of kindness cards in their community for Preslee's 4th Birthday. It was a big hit and something our family was so grateful for. Read about it here. 

Did you know that February 17th is RANDOM ACTS OF KINDNESS DAY?

We want to celebrate, and hope you'll join in with us!

To celebrate, we are offering you a freebie.  You can download these cards and when you do an act of kindness, leave one of these cards with it. Please tag us in your acts of kindness to be entered into a giveaway with #presentleerakd for a chance to win $25 store credit to Presentlee!

Here's to spreading kindness all over the world!

And if you need some ideas on how and where to leave your cards, here are a few.

• Pay for someone's food at a restaurant or drive-thru.
• Tape some money on a toy in a store.
• Leave a card with a treat or gift on someone's doorstep.
• Complete a chore for someone else in your home.
• Leave laundry soap in bag at the laundromat.
• Drop a treat off at the local police or fire station.
• Leave a coloring book/crayons in your hospital's emergency room.
• Leave $1.07 taped by the hot wheels section. 
• Leave a generous tip.
• Write an encouraging note to someone.
• Run a treat out to your garbage man.
• Leave a gift card in someone's mailbox or doorstep.
• Pay for someone's popcorn at a movie theater.
• Leave a treat for your UPS/FED EX delivery person.
• Leave a gift card or funny note in a book at the library.
• Leave a nice note on someone's car.
• Leave a package of wipes at a diaper changing station.
• Send a treat through to a bank teller.
• Buy flowers for a friend or stranger.
• Leave a gift or treat for your mailman.
• Leave a gift for a teacher in the school's office.
• Hide free bubbles in the park.
• Leave popcorn taped to a Red Box machine.
• Leave enough money to cover an item at the grocery store.
• Leave dollar bills all around the dollar store.
• Donate diapers to a women's shelter.
• Donate food to the homeless. 
• Leave tennis balls at a dog park.
• Tape change to a vending machine.
• Leave an anonymous note for someone.

What's your favorite way to serve? Let us know below!

Valentine's Printable Lunch Tags

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, I wanted to do something fun for the kids that didn't cost a lot. I usually send something fun in their lunch every year and thought it would be fun to send some lunch box printables all week long. A few were left with some extra space to add a little note to make it more meaningful. 

Click here to download the Free Lunch Box Tags.

I also pack Patrick lunches throughout the week and wanted to include him in on the fun. So here's some fun cards to add to your special someone's lunch all next week. Enjoy!

Click here to download the free printable tags below.

Twelve Ways to Help a Family Planning a Funeral

When Preslee, our 18 month old daughter passed away, (read more about it here) Patrick and I were in our early twenties and were at a loss when it came to knowing how to plan a funeral. It was difficult for us to focus and remembering everything that needed to be done before the funeral was difficult. We were grateful for family and friends who stepped in to help.

When someone you care about loses a loved one, you might find yourself wanting to help, but uncertain what is actually helpful during such a difficult time. Here are 12 different ways to help a family who is planning a funeral. 

1. Offer to find clothing. Preslee died in SLC, UT which was 3 1/2 hours away from home. My sole focus after she passed away was how and when her body would be transported back to Idaho safely. Without hesitation, Patrick's stepmom asked if it would be okay if she stopped by Nordstrom Rack on the way home to grab some options for me to wear to the funeral. Finding a dress wasn't something I had even thought about and I immediately said yes. She grabbed three appropriate dresses in three different sizes and brought them home for me to try on. She returned the others and also found me some coordinating heels. Patrick's dad also took Pat to find a suit. We were so grateful that they both did that for us. I assure you the last thing I wanted to do during that week was pick out an outfit for my daughter's funeral.

2. Offer to accompany them. Once we arrived in Idaho, it was time to meet with the funeral home. Patrick and I were overwhelmed and barely functioning. Patrick's dad asked us if we would like him to come with us. We immediately said yes. To be honest, I kind of zoned out while they went over all the details and thankful I only had to answer the important questions.. It was nice to know that someone who loved us and had our best interest at heart was there to help. Having a loved one there might be helpful in many different ways.

3. Offer your talents. Like I mentioned earlier, Preslee's body didn't immediately come home to Idaho with us and then some complications arose. (I had no idea transporting a body could be so difficult). With extra time on our hands, my friend, a cosmetologist, sent me a text saying, she knew I had a lot going on, but if I wanted my hair cut and colored she would love to do it free of charge. I remember reading the text to Pat and he immediately encouraged me to go. He thought the alone time with one of my best friends would be beneficial for me. So I agreed to go, and was grateful to escape all of the planning for a bit. She listened while I spoke about Preslee and supported me. If you have something to offer that might seem useful, please don't hesitate to offer it!  But if they decline, please don't be offended.

4. Create a Slideshow. My Sister-in-law immediately offered to make a slideshow for the viewing. She came to me, accessed my computer and took the pictures we wanted. I didn't have to do a thing and nearly ten years later, I still watch it from time to time. I'm not sure I would have gotten around to making the slideshow, and I think looking at all those pictures would have been difficult for me. I'm grateful she took it upon herself to get it done without involving me too much. 

5. Decorate. My dad's sisters offered to decorate for the viewing. Instead of purchasing flowers, my dad's five siblings used the money to put towards purchasing large frames and pictures of Preslee. When I walked in to the viewing and saw what they had done I just cried. They had grabbed items from her room and bought things that had meaning to us to help represent Preslee. They did a great job and it was such a blessing to not have to think about decorating during that time.

6. Cemetery. We needed to decide which cemetery to bury Preslee in. After viewing three different cemeteries, we decided to bury her next to family. My Grandpa gave us three family plots and also took care of the fee for digging the grave. It was such a sweet gesture, and made the process easier for us. Offering to pay for the burial fees could be a very sweet gift for a family experiencing grief.

7. Food. I'm not sure who was involved, but our fridge stayed stocked during that entire week coming home from the hospital and until the funeral. It was such a blessing because we didn't want to go out in public and see people at the store. We were barely eating, and it was nice to have healthy options in the fridge. Someone gave us a deli platter and fruit and it was nice to have filling and healthy food that didn't take much prep work. I often deliver this now to families after they lose a loved one. Dropping off food and basic needs could be extremely helpful.  

8. Supporting them at the funeral home. If you're really close to the family, it might be nice to offer to help dress the body. My mom did this, and I was so grateful. I'm going to be honest, I had very little experience with death before Preslee, and it was shocking for me to see her body days after her death. I took it pretty hard. It was clear to me that she was no longer there and I think it was during that moment that it all really sunk in. I panicked at the sight of my new reality. My mom read the situation and just stepped in for me while I stood there and cried. I was so grateful that it wasn't all left for Pat to do either. I know everyone is different, and some people might like to do this in private, but I think offering your support during this situation could be helpful. 

9. Think about what they might need. This might seem like a small one, but Pat's stepbrother walked into the viewing with a case of bottled water. The viewing went much longer than expected, (over 4 hours) and after talking that much, I remember being grateful for that water. Take a minute to stop and think about the viewing/funeral and think about what they might need. Will it be freezing at the burial site? Maybe throw in some extra blankets. Will children need things to stay occupied? If so, go and grab some fun new things for them. The family will most likely not be thinking about anything other than the person they are burying, so thinking ahead might really help them. 

10. Offer to babysit. When I was in high school, our neighbors lost their son in a car accident. The family had a young baby and my mom asked me if I would be okay with babysitting the baby if the baby cried during the funeral. My mom wanted the family to be able to hear the service, which I thought was incredibly thoughtful. I agreed and so did the family. Shortly after the funeral started, the baby began to fuss and I took her out through the entire service. Though Pat and I didn't have any other kids when Preslee passed away, I now realize that planning a funeral could be difficult with little kids in tow. I think offering to babysit while they are busy planning or even during the funeral would be a great way to help. 

11. Please remember the funeral isn't about you. I've received many e-mails over the years telling me stories about how difficult the viewing/funeral was due to close family and friends. The last thing people planning a funeral need to worry about is other people. They are most likely trying to just survive. If you are family and they don't pick you to be part of the funeral service, (to talk or be a pallbearer) please don't be offended. If you offer to help and they turn you down, please don't get upset. They are most likely solely focused on burying the person they love and it's difficult to think of others during that time.

12. Just be there for them. We had family supporting us through it all. My parents were always by my side from the moment they heard Preslee was in the hospital. Anything we asked of them, they did it. Patrick's family did the same. As soon as we knew Preslee wasn't going to recover, Pat's brother and his family booked plane tickets and flew across the country to be there with us. Pat asked him to speak at the funeral and he didn't hesitate to say yes. Feeling supported during such a difficult time was a huge blessing.  

    Patrick, his dad, and brothers.

There was more that others did for us, and we'll always be grateful for their service. My suggestion is if you really want to help, try to take all the work away from them and let them focus on what they need or want to. They are most likely in survival mode trying their best to get through each day. I'm so grateful we aren't forced to experience trials alone, so please don't hesitate to reach out.

Do you have other ways to help a family during a funeral? If so, please share in the comments below!

Gone Too Soon

It was a warm summer evening and I was counting down the minutes until my husband and I could leave for our date. It had been ages since we had been able to get away on our own. My in-laws had agreed to watch our 18-month-old daughter, Preslee, while we attended a movie. As soon as we walked through the door, Preslee took off running to join her older cousins. As I said goodbye and attempted to sneak in a quick little hug before we left, she quickly ran past me and never looked back. I smiled as I watched her play and thought to myself, ‘It will only be a couple of hours.’

My husband and I enjoyed the next few hours of rare found freedom. As we were driving out of the parking lot and headed back to my in-laws’ home, Patrick made a call to an unknown number that had called during the movie. In seconds, the atmosphere in the car changed. I could hear Patrick’s voice mix with desperation and fear as he spoke to the person on the other end of the line. I panicked as he suddenly made a U-turn and raced through a red light. I instantly knew something was terribly wrong.

My husband quickly explained that an old acquaintance, who was now a policeman, had heard our names mentioned on his work radio and immediately called Patrick’s cell phone. He told us to rush to the hospital because someone was being airlifted there. We both instantly knew it could only be one person, our daughter Preslee.

The next little bit is now a blur. The drive to the hospital. The way I felt when I called every family member back at the house to try and figure out what happened. Nobody answered. We finally pulled up to the hospital and frantically ran through the halls until we were led to the right place. We were pulled into a private waiting room where a male doctor told us our daughter was being flown to the hospital at this very moment and would arrive shortly. All he knew was she had fallen into a canal and had been in the water from anywhere from 0-30 minutes. He apologized for not knowing anymore details but told us we needed to prepare ourselves, because no matter the outcome, our lives had just changed forever.

The doctor quickly left the room and we sat there in disbelief. How did this happen? Shortly after, we were notified that Preslee had arrived. As I entered the hospital room, all I could see was a big group of doctors and nurses frantically working around a gurney. A sweet nurse noticed me and asked, ‘Are you mom?’ I nodded my head and replied, ‘yes.’ She gently grabbed me by the arm and pulled me through the group of people doing their best to save my daughter’s life and placed me right next to Preslee. At the first glance of her little face, I instantly began to cry. That’s when reality hit. She was so pale. There was no coloring left in her skin. The team of doctors worked frantically to warm her perfect little body that didn’t have a scratch on it. The nurses encouraged me to talk to her, so that’s what I did. Minutes later they detected a heartbeat.

After she had a consistent heartbeat, the doctor made the decision to fly Preslee to a bigger children’s hospital in a neighboring state. After six days of us rarely leaving her side and praying for a miracle, the doctors informed us that Preslee no longer had any brain activity and she would never regain it. We were devastated. The next day she passed away in my arms. Watching your child take their last breath is excruciating. Walking out of the hospital with empty arms is something you never really get over.

It took years to collect all the little details of what actually happened that night, but I eventually did.

With 10 adults and five kids present, anyone would assume our daughter would have been safe. But after unexpected guests rang the doorbell, a bag of popcorn started on fire, and multiple little kids ran around outside, it seems like it only took seconds for Preslee to slip past everyone and into the canal. Her absence was quickly noticed. Shortly after, adults were checking closets, window wells, and every possible hiding place. Family members were searching the neighborhood and soon after, the neighbors joined in on the search. My brother-in-law who was quickly aware of the canal in the backyard that separated the yard from the golf course began to follow it downstream. He ran alongside it for a mile and a half when he came upon a farmer who was pulling Preslee out of the water. Our sweet little girl had bumped into this farmer’s leg while he was working on the head gate in the canal. He instantly pulled her out of the water and began CPR while his brother called 911. We’ll be forever grateful to these men because not far downstream, the canal empties into a larger river. We were told there’s a good chance her body would have never been found.

Though my husband and I weren’t there, I’ll spend my life sharing her story because I’ve learned it only takes seconds for a drowning to occur. Did you know that among unintentional injuries, drowning is the second leading cause of death for children under the age of five? I had no clue. Every summer hundreds of drownings happen in pools and open water across the country. It’s heartbreaking to learn about each situation. All it takes is a turn of the head, a glance at a phone, or your attention to be held elsewhere and it can be too late.

As summer approaches and the canals and pools begin to fill with water, please learn from our experience. The number one thing we’ve changed in our home concerning water safety is that we never assume somebody else is watching our child. If I need to run inside, I vocally tell my husband he’s now in charge of watching our children, even if I plan on being away for only a minute. Our goal isn’t to scare you away from the water, but rather empower you and your family through water safety.

If you’re interested in learning more about some precautions and good rules you and your family can abide by, below is a document I helped create with a group of moms who have all had a child drown. Our hope is to educate others because most children slip silently into the water. There usually isn’t a loud noise or any splashing. It really does only take a few seconds.

Click here to download the Water Safety Printable.

This post was originally written for Love What Matters