WE CAN DO HARD THINGS-(Whittlee hamblin)

On the day that Whittlee Hamblin’s husband, Stewart, was given a clean bill of health from a brain tumor he was diagnosed with last year, she was diagnosed with stage four colon cancer. This news came as nothing short of a shock to their systems. Having a young family, their oldest daughter is 5 and their twin daughters are 4, they never anticipated facing these heavy health related trials at this stage in their lives. They thought they were on the up and up with their health until a hard mass was found in Whittlee’s abdomen. She now halfway through her chemotherapy treatments and says she feels so much better since being treated.

Whittlee shared, “We don’t always understand why we are called to go through certain trials in life. However, I have learned that God’s plan is the best plan! When I put my faith in His timing I feel more peace in my life. When I trust that the trials I face are happening for my good, that they are rigged in my favor, I find evidence of this truth. I can see how perfectly God has orchestrated my life to be exactly the way it is. I can also see how these trials are blessing the lives of my family members and those in my community.”

Whittlee and her family are an inspiration to anyone who crosses their paths, and we are thrilled that she was willing share with us some of the things that are and are not helpful for her and her sweet family as they make their way through this trial.

What are some things that people say to you that you find helpful?

The most uplifting words shared with us through this experience have been “we love you and we are praying for you”. No other phrase has brought as much peace to our hearts as this simple expression of love and as those who surround us pray on behalf of our family.

Were there certain things that have been said to you or your family during this time that have been hurtful?

I firmly believe that the words people share are neutral and that the thoughts I have about the words that are shared are my responsibility. Put simply, I can choose to be hurt by words or I can choose to think that people are genuinely trying to help in some way. What hasn’t been helpful are stories of other people that have passed away from the same type of cancer that I have. I focus so much on living and keeping a positive attitude that these stories of death can pull me down quickly if I let them.

Can you tell us about some acts of service that have meant a lot to your family?

Absolutely! Here are some things people in our community have done that have majorly helped us:

· Sent a text message along the lines of “Hey, I’m headed to Walmart, Target, or Costco. Do you need anything while I’m out?” This specific text lets me think about what I’ve forgotten to purchase for my family and allows my friends to help in a specific way.

· A family in our church congregation has taken on the liberty of mowing our lawn every other weekend so my husband has more time with my family.

· 4 different friends trade off helping me with laundry each week. They’ll pick up two loads of laundry each Monday and return the clean, folded clothes the next day. This is so helpful!

· Another friend with more means has paid for a cleaning service to deep clean our home every other week. This is so generous and helpful. My husband and I can keep our home picked up and tidy during the week. But it’s so helpful to have someone come to deep clean the bathrooms and kitchen!

· I have a friend who will send me humorous memes via text a couple times a week. These make me laugh and help me see humor in my life!

Were there any actions from others that have been hurtful to you or your family?

Yes! When I was first diagnosed with colon cancer, well-meaning friends would often drop in out of the blue to say “hi”. During that time, I was in immense physical pain and wasn’t always up for visits. So these unannounced pop-in visits were very draining even though the intention behind them was good. We learned our lesson and made a sign for our front door. This sign indicated that we were having family time. It gave people notice that we would love a visit, but to text us first so we made sure it was a good time for our family. This helped tremendously!

A huge thank you goes out to Whittlee! We wish her all the best as she continues to fight. If you would like to follow Whittlee and the Hamblin family on their continued journey, here is where you can find her online.

Instagram handles: @whittlee & @inspriredhomepodcast @hamblingroupinteriors

Facebook pages: Whittlee Hamblin & Whittlee’s Warrirors

Website: whittlee.hamblin.cc

Gift Ideas

• Greeting Card
• “I Can Do Hard Things” Ring
• Custom “Do Not Deserve” Sign
• House Cleaning Gift Certificate
  
  

WE CAN DO HARD THINGS-(ALEXIS KOONTZ)

We say over and over again here on this blog that the most important thing is to just show up for someone who is trudging through a painful trial. And yet, even those of us who have lived through the unthinkable ourselves can still struggle to know how to show our solicitude when such a trial shows up for a loved one. That is what the “We Can Do Hard Things” series is about.

Sometimes you may think that there is nothing to do to ease the pain of a loved one’s loss, but today’s guest, Alexis Koontz, tells us, “If you are looking for way to help those around you during times a grief, think of something personal, something just for them.”

It was just over five years ago that Alexis lost her father. She was 23 years old, going to college and living on her own for the first time. She still remembers getting the call during her winter break from school. Her brother called to tell her that their Dad had died from a heart attack while living in Saudi Arabia. Being half a world away from him made her feel empty and alone. The person who knew the most about her was gone and she knew nothing could ever be the same.

Within the last 5 years, Alexis has gained some incredible insight of how to help someone after the loss of a parent. We are thankful that she was willing to share some of those insights to help us feel more enabled in helping a love one through such a huge loss.

What were some things that were helpful that were said to you after your father died?

Those who expressed feelings of empathy, rather than sympathy helped the most. Many people in my life who had lost a close family member shared their stories of loss with me. It was those who could relate to my situation and said more than “I’m sorry for your loss” that let me know everything would be ok. Those conversations made me not feel alone and showed me that my life could go on.

While people generally have good intentions, sometimes the things they say can be hurtful. Were there any things that were said to you after your dad died that ended up hurting you more than helping you?

The most hurtful words came from those who had the best intentions. People told me that I should not be sad, my Dad would not have wanted it. They said I needed to show him what his life meant to me. Many people even told me that my sorrow had a time line and would be over soon. All of those expectations made me feel like a failure as I grieved. I felt as though my sadness was my own fault, and I felt guilty for it. I wanted to just be happy to fit other’s expectations, but I needed time to move forward.

Can you tell us about some acts of service or gifts that meant a lot to you after the death of your father?

The best help came from those who did not expect my sorrow to stop me from living my life. The week after my father died, my brother and I were scheduled to go back to school for our Spring semester. My brother reached out to make sure I knew we could get through it together. While sadness still lingered, I learned that I could do ordinary things like study for tests and sit through lectures.

Right after my dad died, a promotion opened up at work. Although I was fully qualified, I was not emotionally up to taking on new responsibilities. It was through the encouragement of my supervisor that I stood up and took on the challenge. She helped me see that my skills were not gone even if my courage was low.

While some people were not be able to make big things happen, others got me my favorite foods, made sure I got out of the house, and let me know they were thinking of me in their own ways. I will forever be grateful for the gourmet cookies that were delivered to my house soon after the news got out!

What about anything that was done for you that was hurtful, despite good intentions from the other person?

The most hurtful acts came at work. A few well-meaning coworkers took it upon themselves to tell my story around the office. I would walk into a meeting knowing that everyone there had just been talking about me. The look of pity in their eyes was beyond unbearable. I keep many personal things out of the office, and those moments broke my trust.

A huge shout out to Alexis for sharing her experiences. She wanted to remind you that, “During these times, it is difficult to know what someone needs, but reaching out in simple ways makes all the difference.”

Gift Ideas:

• Keepsake Memory Doll
• Gourmet Cookie Package
• Round About You Print
• Uber Eats Gift Card

How to Support a Grieving Dad

Sometimes I feel guilty. I have received so much support over the years after losing Preslee, but sometimes it hurts because Patrick isn't always included. I have received so many gifts, and Patrick - only a few. People will talk to me about Preslee, and many times won't acknowledge Patrick in the same conversation. 

I've learned this isn't uncommon.

So we wanted to share what Pat found helpful to him in this short video.

Happy Father's Day to all the great men out there!

We want you to know we see you, love you, and think about you!

WE CAN DO HARD THINGS-(MICHELLE NEWMAN)

“A woman asked me, ‘Why do bad things happen to good people?’

Without hesitation the answer came to me,

‘So that great things happen to the world.’

Just about every good cause and every charity is rooted in some form of tragedy or trial.

I truly believe experiences can make you bitter or better. 

For many years my son’s death made me bitter. I was suicidal, depressed, anxious, angry and trauma had become my worst demon. I hated who grief made me, what James’ death did ‘to me’ and how I hated my existence and where my life was headed. I was a victim in every sense of the word.”

Michelle Newman’s sweet Baby James passed away on April 20th, 2006. In the 13 years of discovering what happiness truly means to her, she has found the most effective strategy in creating joy within oneself is to elicit happiness in someone else. She has found for the days of struggle, the best way to keep breathing is to assign purpose to the pain. When there is purpose behind your experience, your pain becomes meaningful. The loss of a child does not go away, but when pain is re-purposed it gives you a reason to keep living. When your pain makes the world a better place, it turns your loss into a blessing rather than a curse.

Twelve hours before sweet Baby James was in the accident that took his life, Michelle started my photography business. For many years photo shoots were the only thing she would get out of bed for. She lived off the joy of others as her broken heart healed. Michelle is now starting a non-profit, “Permission to Remember,” where families are given freedom to remember their angel, however, wherever and whenever they need. Her clients sponsor families who have lost a child, where they then photograph families at their child’s final resting place or wherever would be most symbolic or meaningful. They also hold quarterly creative healing retreats and provide a safe healing place for bereaved mothers.

Michelle is the epitome of “We Can Do Hard Things.” She explains that there are two main stages of grief: survival grief and transformational grief. Transformational grief is the day when someone chooses they are going to do something with their grief rather than allowing grief to do them. It is when they want to learn from their pain, suffering, experience. It is when they are ready to assign purpose and passion. Survival grief is when someone is simply getting through each day. It is when they are angry, bitter, in denial and depression and wading through the heavy waters of pain. We asked Michelle to tell us a little about what was helpful for her when she was in the survival stage of grief after losing her son.

What are some things that can be said to someone who has lost a child that may be helpful to them?

When you do not know what to say and you are afraid of saying the wrong thing, I will break it down for you into the most simple and basic sentence, “I am so sorry you have to go through this. If you need to talk or cry or yell or scream or remember or complain, I am here to listen.” And then you literally shut up and just listen.

Offer no words of comfort, do not try to relate even if you have lost a child. This is about them, not about you. The most comforting thing you can offer is your love and your listening ear, and maybe some back tickles and soup.

Are there any other things you would suggest avoiding saying?

There are things people say and do that are hurtful, not helpful. I have learned over the years, as someone grieving, I have to be quick to forgive. Most people do not intentionally hurt someone already hurting. It simply comes from ignorance not intention. 

There is a sweet spot of not saying too much and not saying too little. Silence is among the loudest offenses to one who is grieving. For someone grieving, silence comes across as a lack of concern, love, compassion and recognition. I believe most friends and family are silent because they do not know what to say and don’t want to make it worse.  Understand though, the message from a lack of words comes across as, “I don’t care what you are going through.”

On the flip side there are those who ramble their faces off comparing you to every person under the sun who ‘has it worse’. Let us please discontinue the comparison game in grief. Comparison is the thief of all comfort.

Are there any acts of service that you would suggest to give to someone who has lost a child? How can our readers “show up” for a loved one who is going through such a tragedy?

The most helpful thing anyone can do for someone grieving is to love unconditionally and withhold judgement. Grief and tragic loss are so wildly misunderstood. So few understand what it means to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. Grief is an isolating and lonely space. I believe everyone is doing the best they know, sadly grief is something the majority of people don’t understand.

Because child loss is such a huge loss it is easy for people to feel like there is nothing they can do to make it better. The reality is the outcome obviously can't be changed, but there are things you can do to help. The small things really add up to make a big difference. In times of serious tragedy it truly is the thought that counts. If it is too difficult to see someone in enormous amount of pain, drop them dinner or hire a maid to come and clean their home. Simple daily tasks are dragons to face when you are facing grief. The most important thing to remember is to serve without strings attached. Don't expect thank you's or recognition. I remember feeling guilty for not being able to respond to calls and emails but I always appreciated them. We designed our Good Grief Photo Shoot as something you can give when you don't know what else to do. Family portraits are a dragon after your child passes away. We give you the ability to connect with the angel during the special session so it's not just portraits, but a special connection to heaven.

Presentlee sends a huge thank you to Michelle for sharing her insights on how to help someone who has lost a child. For more information about her Non-Profit and how to sponsor a family visit her at www.pinkrosephotography.com and permissiontoremember.org or on Instagram at @pink_rose_photography and @permission_to_remember. If you need a safe place to grieve and remember and celebrate your loved one, Michelle invites you to join her Facebook group, Permission To Remember (https://www.facebook.com/groups/764165987290563/)

Gift ideas:

• Preslee Pendant

• Handprint or Footprint Necklace

• "Those We Love" Sign

• Cleaning Services

WE CAN DO HARD THINGS-(ASHLEE BIRK Boyson)

On March 11, 2011, Ashlee Birk Boyson was made a widow by two shots of a gun. Her husband was having an affair with his paralegal and her husband found them at a Walgreens and decided to use weapons instead of words. She had just given birth to their fifth child, and now found herself a 28-year-old widow.

After a murder trial two years later, and still stuck in the victimhood of those bullets and the choices of those three people, she began to suffocate in her fear. In 2014, a blog was born. “The Moments We Stand” became her safe place to shed her insecurities and her story. She now runs a nonprofit called “A Reason to Stand” for others who have seen dark roads and need to find courage to become brave survivors.

We are pleased that Ashlee was willing to share with us her valuable knowledge of how to help someone who has lost a spouse. She said, “I used to think my mission was to just save one person who was stuck in the darkness of bad choices. If I could save one marriage or one husband from leaving this world in their worst hour...I would make it. I know now that Life is so much more than just avoiding sin and trying hard to not be stuck in grief. Life is about joy. Life is about finding out who you are, and realizing that you are enough. Enough for God, and enough for yourself—even if no one else sees you, He does.”

What were some helpful things that were said to you after the death of your husband?

I think the most helpful things that people have said to me turned me towards my truth! Kind words that helps me feel that I could keep putting 1 foot in front of the other. Words that focused on my ability to still be a mom, and a daughter...and a child of God. Words that helped me find love for myself again.

Some specific phrases that helped me included:

“You are the strongest woman I know, you will get through this.”

“Those kids are so lucky to have you as a mom!”

“No matter what happens...you just keep your faith and you will make it through all of this”

While people usually have good intentions, sometimes things they say can come across as hurtful. Are there certain things that were said to you that hurt?

In their own dark struggles through trauma there were many who came with hate, saying words that put blame on me. One even said, “Well, if you would have been a better wife, none of this would have happened.” Words that made me feel dark and forgotten and unimportant. Words that amplified my own insecurities and tried to make me look down on myself.

One of the hard things that always happened in the first weeks after the murder is people would talk about me like I wasn’t in the room. It made me feel invisible.

Other times I would overhear them talking about a struggle I was having that I shared with them privately, or a funeral plan that I was having a hard time making...they would tell others about the struggle, making me feel like I didn’t have a safe place to break down or not have it all together.

Can you tell us about some of the helpful things that others did for you after your husband was murdered?

I think anytime we can serve someone who is drowning, we can bring light to them. That’s what really makes a difference. Knowing someone cared about you enough to take time out of their life and notice a need.

A friend of mine came and picked up a bunch of Emmett’s clothes in the days that followed his murder. She made a blanket for each of my kids. They are still prized possessions.

Many people came and helped with responsibilities I would get very behind on, especially during the murder trial. It was always nice to come home to warm food and a clean house. Those were the things that brought peace to me during a dark time.

Were there any acts from others that hurt you? 

Along with thousands of kind emails, I have run into many who don’t use social media and modern technology to bring me up. Some words have pierced me so hard that I have cried for days. I am finally to a place where I just instantly delete the hate mail. I don’t let it get to me, but that was not always the case. Every time a new show would air with our story, or I would do a new interview they would flood in.

Now I just try to remember that hurting people like to cause pain in others. I smile, say out loud, “I am sorry life has been hard for you.” And click delete. No one can take our light away. No words are powerful enough to hold us in the dark.

Ashlee is proof that you can create great light in a terribly dark situation. We are immensely grateful for her sharing some of her experience with us. You can find Ashlee at @themomentswestand and www.themomentswestand.com  and learn more about her nonprofit at @areasontostand and www.areasontostand.org.

Gift Ideas for someone who has lost a spouse:

• Set up a MealTrain.
• "I See You" Necklace
• UberEats Gift Card
• Snack Basket