Grief - It still hurts

9/17/2014

One thing I’ve learned about grief is it doesn’t go away by ignoring it. Grief tends to stay close, and without warning pounds on the door wanting to be let in. The longer it is made to wait, the angrier it becomes, and usually becomes harder to get rid of—reminding me that we have a life long relationship, just in case I forgot.

But I’ve learned if I’m the one to invite grief in, take it by surprise, and do so before it has time to build up, the visits tend to be shorter, and not nearly as exhausting. 

Grief

For whatever reason this fourth year has been hard. I’ve been an emotional wreck since July.

It’s thrown me off. In a way, I’ve felt like I’ve regressed,
and after some major thought I realized why grief has taken control.

Year three, I didn’t let grief in.
I started the year off with a bang by having two babies, and that entire year (which is now a blur) was left with no time to grieve.
Back in July I finally cracked the door open when I opened those clothes bins to sort through Preslee’s clothes, and without warning, grief slipped in and returned with a vengeance.
There was a lot of time to make up for.

To be honest, its been overwhelming.
I’m back to crying when I’m alone, usually in the car or the shower, similar to how it was just after the funeral.

It’s been frustrating, but I know it’s a process.

It’s just been surprising. I would have never guessed people would experience and be forced to process so many emotions FOUR years after losing someone.

Grief

The past couple of months I found myself retracting.
I hid from the world for a little while.
I quit writing as frequently on the blog.
I avoided phone calls and rarely returned any. (Sorry!)
I turned most friends down when they wanted to have play dates.
It became too much.

So I guess this is a major reason why I continue to write.
To help people understand grief.
I didn’t understand any of this before I was thrown into it.

If you know someone who has lost someone close to them, understand four years later it still hurts.
The pain can still be debilitating, and acts of kindness are still appreciated.

Like the friend who dropped off breakfast the day Preslee should have started Kindergarten.
Something so small to many, was huge to me.
Or the friend who gave us the amazing drawing up above right before the year mark. It was drawn by another Angel Mom, who she sent the most amazing/understanding card along with it. {Find her work here}

Now that I finally feel like I have a hold on grief, that its been pushed to the back of the house, and is about to be thrown out, I’ll continue to remind myself that I can do hard things.
Or that grief will not always win,
because with help from Christ, all things are possible.

Sending Love

9/13/2014

My heart broke today when I read two stories that were sent to me.

After losing Preslee, I told Pat I hope we will be well off in the future, because I want to be able to do things for others that have been done for us.

I want to be able to afford to fly a family three hours away so they can be waiting at the hospital when their daughter arrives after being life-flighted. I want to be able to send money to a family staying at PCMC so they can afford to eat in the cafeteria and stay close to their loved one. I want to be able to help a family pay for their child’s headstone. I want to be able to send a family who finds themselves buried in grief a gift card to Texas Roadhouse with a sweet card telling them to have a fun night out.

Though we’re not at the point in life, we still try to give when we can.

Anyway, he
re are the two stories I read today. Even a dollar helps.

The first, a family from my own town, Rigby ID. I cannot imagine losing all three of my children to a genetically inherited disorder.

{The Lear Family}

lear family

The second, a mom to five kids, was diagnosed with cancer while 26 weeks pregnant with her sixth child. She was recently told she had days, maybe weeks left to live.

{The Taylor Family}

headline_Kathy

Here’s to hoping we can change these two family’s lives the way so many of you did ours.

Out and About with Twins

9/09/2014

After braving the F2TF 5K, we realized we run most errands when the boys are asleep. The boys don’t get out much, and we decided we need to change that. (You should have seen them at a restaurant…)  In UT we stopped at Target, placed the twins in a double cart, and realized they had only sat in a shopping cart once (Well Cannon had, Cruiz was strapped to my chest in my moby wrap) The twins went nuts, it was like the most exciting thing they had ever done, screaming with delight, leaning over the sides, and pulling things off shelves. Pat was so embarrassed, he kept saying, “We’re that family…” haha

Yes Pat, we’re definitely that family.

twins

We are trying to introduce our boys to life outside our house (and Grandma’s house) so braved a trip to Red Robin.

twins

To the Eastern Idaho Fair.
The twins were loved the tiger’s ear as much as I did.

twinsEastern Idaho State FairEastern Idaho State FairEastern Idaho State Fair

Family Home Evening at the Idaho Falls Temple Visitors Center.

Temple visitors centerTemple visitors center

What have I learned?

  • Online shopping is the way to go :)
  • More stores need to invest in double carts.
  • People love to tell me I have my hands full.
  • And I should make Pat go more places with us, the way he reacts is hilarious.

Kindergarten

9/03/2014

I should be…
Waking up early.
Excited.
Making breakfast, getting a little girl ready.
Helping her put on her new shoes, clothes, and a backpack.
Taking pictures on our front step.

I should be… loading up four kids to drop my oldest off at school.
Wondering where the time has went as I watch a little 5 year old bounce into her classroom.

I should be…
Anxiously waiting for the hours to pass by,
taking care of her brothers, and loading them up to walk the few blocks to pick her up.

I should be…
Pulling out cookies from the oven, placing a cookie in front of Preslee,
asking her all about her big day at school.

I should be doing a lot of things today.
But I’m not.

Instead, I’m reminded of what we’re missing as I watch family & friends post pictures of their five year olds on social media. If I could do it all over again, I would stay off social media for awhile.
Because it stings.

grief quote

I think the reason missing this milestone has been so painful is because today I realized I’m not only letting go of one dream, but 13 others. Preslee will never have a first day of school, not today, not in 13 years from now, or ever in between.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to have not lost our oldest. Would it be any softer to have already experienced a child attending school?
I guess we’ll never know.

As I process the statement up above, I realize it’s time to focus on new hopes and dreams, but at this moment I’m not sure what those need to be.

Uchtdorf service quote

So I think I’ll make today a “Preslee day.” Instead of loading the boys to drop her off at school, I’ll drive them around and find some way to serve. Maybe it will even help me understand what new goals and dreams I need to set, because I’ve learned there’s a lot to let go of when a mom loses her only daughter.

There’s so much that I drastically miss,
and days like today don’t seem to help any.

Ashpres_copy 

We miss you, Preslee.

Checklist

9/02/2014

When someone dies, there’s a list of things that need to be accomplished for the family members left behind. Each list varies, and tasks are preformed at different times.
Preslee’s list—well, it’s almost finished.

checkmarkViewing
checkmarkPurchase plot in cemetery
checkmarkFuneral
checkmarkPay It Forward Project
checkmarkOrder/Design Headstone
checkmarkPack Up Her Room/Belongings
checkmarkPlace Headstone
checkmarkBuy/Create Binder to Tell Her Story
checkmarkBuy memory box
checkmarkOrganize her belongings, Decide What to Keep
    Make a blanket/Decide What to Do With Her Clothes


Can you believe it? Only one item left. The blanket is nearly finished, and I am in love. I can’t wait to show all of you. It turned out better than I imagined it would. For all of you thinking about making one for yourself, do it! I’ll share what I learned when it’s  finished.

There’s mixed emotions to be finishing up my list. On one end It feels like a weight has been lifted, but at the same time, it feels so…final.

 

Also, the winner of Chirp Chirp Designs Giveaway is Lacey McKee! Hurry up and e-mail me, and we’ll get things going!

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