Meet LeAnne Lavender. (Yes, that is her real name, and she says it’s a major upgrade from her maiden name!) She met Mr. Lavender in 2010 and married him 3 years later. Their first two years of marriage included Derek graduating from law school, moving into their 410 square foot garage while they worked on their fixer-upper home and hosting bonfires and game nights.
Everything changed for them on the morning of June 15th, 2014. The usual text from Derek to LeAnne, letting her know he had made it safely to work on his motorcycle (he'd been riding for years, but LeAnne requested the daily text) was replaced by a phone call from a man named David, telling her that Derek had been in a terrible accident and that she needed to get herself to the hospital. Although Derek had on a full faced helmet and all the gear, he still managed to break 7 bones, his spine, and collapse his lung.
Through God’s grace, Derek’s mind was spared, but throughout his month-long ICU stay, and 4 month stay in a rehabilitation facility, the reality of Derek not being able to walk again sunk in. As a complete T6 spinal cord patient, Derek and LeAnne’s lives were forever changed as they learned to navigate this new world of him being paralyzed and without feeling from his armpits down.
We are so grateful that LeAnne is willing to share with us some thoughts on what was helpful during her husband’s hospital stay and how to help support someone whose spouse has suffered a major injury or illness.
With all you have endured - what have been the most helpful words? What have people said that have given you peace, hope and encouragement to help you?
Day two into this whole journey, my mom pulled me aside and told me a story about her mom. You see, my grandma was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer when she was 35. Early into chemo, she told my mom the Bible story of Moses and the Israelites. If you go back and read Exodus 16, you will see that God literally provided food for them each day, the exact amount they needed. They couldn’t store it because it would go bad. It was such a powerful reminder to me that God gives us exactly the strength we need to get through each day.
I know most people mean well, but they don't always say the most helpful things. Is there anything people say to you that continually hurts?
For us, the big one is, “Wow, you are so great to stay by him,” or “My wife would have left me by now.” Obviously, intentions are good and I am certain all the folks that comment on our marriage are truly meaning it as a compliment. But how would you feel if someone said your spouse was this incredible person for staying by your side. It would make you feel like your spouse was doing you some type of favor or got trapped into helping you. Yes, we both miss the marriage we had before the accident. There were obviously major pluses to not being paralyzed, but Derek is still Derek. We still have a great time together and have been finding ways to adapt our old hobbies to our new lifestyle.
What are some things that people did for you that were the most helpful when your husband was in the hospital and rehabilitation facility?
A big takeaway for me was how to put together a decent care package! For your next care package, consider including a few of these things: hospitals are always freezing, so throw in a snuggly blanket that they can toss out when they leave the hospital, a warm sweatshirt, or socks with little paddings on the feet.
An inspirational book about prayer, suffering, etc. is eventually helpful but when you’re going through a traumatic experience, we found it easier to escape into a fictional scenario. We read about a dozen books during our 5 months in the hospital and loved when care packages came with a new novel.
Gift Cards are also very welcomed. Any gas cards we received, we handed off to our families which made it a little easier for them to visit us.
Anything else you would like to share with us?
Life is certainly more difficult now but no less beautiful. Everything just takes a little more time and a little more thought. For instance, Derek doesn't just run to the store to grab something. The process of getting in and out of the car is more time consuming that either of us would like. We also are very aware of the weather. If it is supposed to rain or snow, we basically stay home because we only have one cushion for the wheelchair and no one wants to sit on a wet cushion all day! It’s just all these little random things that we never thought of or had to think of that now makes up our daily life.
On the flip side, we honestly are doing much better than either of us thought possible. Derek is back to work full time, he drives and is independent except when it comes to the laundry, dishes, and making the bed.
Gift Ideas
- Gift Cards
- Comfortable blanket
- Anti-slip socks
- Warm sweatshirt
- Visa gift card for gas or food or drink at the hospital
To learn more about LeAnne and Derek’s life after his injury, visit the links below.
