WE CAN DO HARD THINGS-(ALEXIS KOONTZ)

We say over and over again here on this blog that the most important thing is to just show up for someone who is trudging through a painful trial. And yet, even those of us who have lived through the unthinkable ourselves can still struggle to know how to show our solicitude when such a trial shows up for a loved one. That is what the “We Can Do Hard Things” series is about.

Sometimes you may think that there is nothing to do to ease the pain of a loved one’s loss, but today’s guest, Alexis Koontz, tells us, “If you are looking for way to help those around you during times a grief, think of something personal, something just for them.”

It was just over five years ago that Alexis lost her father. She was 23 years old, going to college and living on her own for the first time. She still remembers getting the call during her winter break from school. Her brother called to tell her that their Dad had died from a heart attack while living in Saudi Arabia. Being half a world away from him made her feel empty and alone. The person who knew the most about her was gone and she knew nothing could ever be the same.

Within the last 5 years, Alexis has gained some incredible insight of how to help someone after the loss of a parent. We are thankful that she was willing to share some of those insights to help us feel more enabled in helping a love one through such a huge loss.

What were some things that were helpful that were said to you after your father died?

Those who expressed feelings of empathy, rather than sympathy helped the most. Many people in my life who had lost a close family member shared their stories of loss with me. It was those who could relate to my situation and said more than “I’m sorry for your loss” that let me know everything would be ok. Those conversations made me not feel alone and showed me that my life could go on.

While people generally have good intentions, sometimes the things they say can be hurtful. Were there any things that were said to you after your dad died that ended up hurting you more than helping you?

The most hurtful words came from those who had the best intentions. People told me that I should not be sad, my Dad would not have wanted it. They said I needed to show him what his life meant to me. Many people even told me that my sorrow had a time line and would be over soon. All of those expectations made me feel like a failure as I grieved. I felt as though my sadness was my own fault, and I felt guilty for it. I wanted to just be happy to fit other’s expectations, but I needed time to move forward.

Can you tell us about some acts of service or gifts that meant a lot to you after the death of your father?

The best help came from those who did not expect my sorrow to stop me from living my life. The week after my father died, my brother and I were scheduled to go back to school for our Spring semester. My brother reached out to make sure I knew we could get through it together. While sadness still lingered, I learned that I could do ordinary things like study for tests and sit through lectures.

Right after my dad died, a promotion opened up at work. Although I was fully qualified, I was not emotionally up to taking on new responsibilities. It was through the encouragement of my supervisor that I stood up and took on the challenge. She helped me see that my skills were not gone even if my courage was low.

While some people were not be able to make big things happen, others got me my favorite foods, made sure I got out of the house, and let me know they were thinking of me in their own ways. I will forever be grateful for the gourmet cookies that were delivered to my house soon after the news got out!

What about anything that was done for you that was hurtful, despite good intentions from the other person?

The most hurtful acts came at work. A few well-meaning coworkers took it upon themselves to tell my story around the office. I would walk into a meeting knowing that everyone there had just been talking about me. The look of pity in their eyes was beyond unbearable. I keep many personal things out of the office, and those moments broke my trust.

A huge shout out to Alexis for sharing her experiences. She wanted to remind you that, “During these times, it is difficult to know what someone needs, but reaching out in simple ways makes all the difference.”

Gift Ideas:

• Keepsake Memory Doll
• Gourmet Cookie Package
• Round About You Print
• Uber Eats Gift Card

How to Support a Grieving Dad

Sometimes I feel guilty. I have received so much support over the years after losing Preslee, but sometimes it hurts because Patrick isn't always included. I have received so many gifts, and Patrick - only a few. People will talk to me about Preslee, and many times won't acknowledge Patrick in the same conversation. 

I've learned this isn't uncommon.

So we wanted to share what Pat found helpful to him in this short video.

Happy Father's Day to all the great men out there!

We want you to know we see you, love you, and think about you!

WE CAN DO HARD THINGS-(MICHELLE NEWMAN)

“A woman asked me, ‘Why do bad things happen to good people?’

Without hesitation the answer came to me,

‘So that great things happen to the world.’

Just about every good cause and every charity is rooted in some form of tragedy or trial.

I truly believe experiences can make you bitter or better. 

For many years my son’s death made me bitter. I was suicidal, depressed, anxious, angry and trauma had become my worst demon. I hated who grief made me, what James’ death did ‘to me’ and how I hated my existence and where my life was headed. I was a victim in every sense of the word.”

Michelle Newman’s sweet Baby James passed away on April 20th, 2006. In the 13 years of discovering what happiness truly means to her, she has found the most effective strategy in creating joy within oneself is to elicit happiness in someone else. She has found for the days of struggle, the best way to keep breathing is to assign purpose to the pain. When there is purpose behind your experience, your pain becomes meaningful. The loss of a child does not go away, but when pain is re-purposed it gives you a reason to keep living. When your pain makes the world a better place, it turns your loss into a blessing rather than a curse.

Twelve hours before sweet Baby James was in the accident that took his life, Michelle started my photography business. For many years photo shoots were the only thing she would get out of bed for. She lived off the joy of others as her broken heart healed. Michelle is now starting a non-profit, “Permission to Remember,” where families are given freedom to remember their angel, however, wherever and whenever they need. Her clients sponsor families who have lost a child, where they then photograph families at their child’s final resting place or wherever would be most symbolic or meaningful. They also hold quarterly creative healing retreats and provide a safe healing place for bereaved mothers.

Michelle is the epitome of “We Can Do Hard Things.” She explains that there are two main stages of grief: survival grief and transformational grief. Transformational grief is the day when someone chooses they are going to do something with their grief rather than allowing grief to do them. It is when they want to learn from their pain, suffering, experience. It is when they are ready to assign purpose and passion. Survival grief is when someone is simply getting through each day. It is when they are angry, bitter, in denial and depression and wading through the heavy waters of pain. We asked Michelle to tell us a little about what was helpful for her when she was in the survival stage of grief after losing her son.

What are some things that can be said to someone who has lost a child that may be helpful to them?

When you do not know what to say and you are afraid of saying the wrong thing, I will break it down for you into the most simple and basic sentence, “I am so sorry you have to go through this. If you need to talk or cry or yell or scream or remember or complain, I am here to listen.” And then you literally shut up and just listen.

Offer no words of comfort, do not try to relate even if you have lost a child. This is about them, not about you. The most comforting thing you can offer is your love and your listening ear, and maybe some back tickles and soup.

Are there any other things you would suggest avoiding saying?

There are things people say and do that are hurtful, not helpful. I have learned over the years, as someone grieving, I have to be quick to forgive. Most people do not intentionally hurt someone already hurting. It simply comes from ignorance not intention. 

There is a sweet spot of not saying too much and not saying too little. Silence is among the loudest offenses to one who is grieving. For someone grieving, silence comes across as a lack of concern, love, compassion and recognition. I believe most friends and family are silent because they do not know what to say and don’t want to make it worse.  Understand though, the message from a lack of words comes across as, “I don’t care what you are going through.”

On the flip side there are those who ramble their faces off comparing you to every person under the sun who ‘has it worse’. Let us please discontinue the comparison game in grief. Comparison is the thief of all comfort.

Are there any acts of service that you would suggest to give to someone who has lost a child? How can our readers “show up” for a loved one who is going through such a tragedy?

The most helpful thing anyone can do for someone grieving is to love unconditionally and withhold judgement. Grief and tragic loss are so wildly misunderstood. So few understand what it means to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. Grief is an isolating and lonely space. I believe everyone is doing the best they know, sadly grief is something the majority of people don’t understand.

Because child loss is such a huge loss it is easy for people to feel like there is nothing they can do to make it better. The reality is the outcome obviously can't be changed, but there are things you can do to help. The small things really add up to make a big difference. In times of serious tragedy it truly is the thought that counts. If it is too difficult to see someone in enormous amount of pain, drop them dinner or hire a maid to come and clean their home. Simple daily tasks are dragons to face when you are facing grief. The most important thing to remember is to serve without strings attached. Don't expect thank you's or recognition. I remember feeling guilty for not being able to respond to calls and emails but I always appreciated them. We designed our Good Grief Photo Shoot as something you can give when you don't know what else to do. Family portraits are a dragon after your child passes away. We give you the ability to connect with the angel during the special session so it's not just portraits, but a special connection to heaven.

Presentlee sends a huge thank you to Michelle for sharing her insights on how to help someone who has lost a child. For more information about her Non-Profit and how to sponsor a family visit her at www.pinkrosephotography.com and permissiontoremember.org or on Instagram at @pink_rose_photography and @permission_to_remember. If you need a safe place to grieve and remember and celebrate your loved one, Michelle invites you to join her Facebook group, Permission To Remember (https://www.facebook.com/groups/764165987290563/)

Gift ideas:

• Preslee Pendant

• Handprint or Footprint Necklace

• "Those We Love" Sign

• Cleaning Services

WE CAN DO HARD THINGS-(ASHLEE BIRK Boyson)

On March 11, 2011, Ashlee Birk Boyson was made a widow by two shots of a gun. Her husband was having an affair with his paralegal and her husband found them at a Walgreens and decided to use weapons instead of words. She had just given birth to their fifth child, and now found herself a 28-year-old widow.

After a murder trial two years later, and still stuck in the victimhood of those bullets and the choices of those three people, she began to suffocate in her fear. In 2014, a blog was born. “The Moments We Stand” became her safe place to shed her insecurities and her story. She now runs a nonprofit called “A Reason to Stand” for others who have seen dark roads and need to find courage to become brave survivors.

We are pleased that Ashlee was willing to share with us her valuable knowledge of how to help someone who has lost a spouse. She said, “I used to think my mission was to just save one person who was stuck in the darkness of bad choices. If I could save one marriage or one husband from leaving this world in their worst hour...I would make it. I know now that Life is so much more than just avoiding sin and trying hard to not be stuck in grief. Life is about joy. Life is about finding out who you are, and realizing that you are enough. Enough for God, and enough for yourself—even if no one else sees you, He does.”

What were some helpful things that were said to you after the death of your husband?

I think the most helpful things that people have said to me turned me towards my truth! Kind words that helps me feel that I could keep putting 1 foot in front of the other. Words that focused on my ability to still be a mom, and a daughter...and a child of God. Words that helped me find love for myself again.

Some specific phrases that helped me included:

“You are the strongest woman I know, you will get through this.”

“Those kids are so lucky to have you as a mom!”

“No matter what happens...you just keep your faith and you will make it through all of this”

While people usually have good intentions, sometimes things they say can come across as hurtful. Are there certain things that were said to you that hurt?

In their own dark struggles through trauma there were many who came with hate, saying words that put blame on me. One even said, “Well, if you would have been a better wife, none of this would have happened.” Words that made me feel dark and forgotten and unimportant. Words that amplified my own insecurities and tried to make me look down on myself.

One of the hard things that always happened in the first weeks after the murder is people would talk about me like I wasn’t in the room. It made me feel invisible.

Other times I would overhear them talking about a struggle I was having that I shared with them privately, or a funeral plan that I was having a hard time making...they would tell others about the struggle, making me feel like I didn’t have a safe place to break down or not have it all together.

Can you tell us about some of the helpful things that others did for you after your husband was murdered?

I think anytime we can serve someone who is drowning, we can bring light to them. That’s what really makes a difference. Knowing someone cared about you enough to take time out of their life and notice a need.

A friend of mine came and picked up a bunch of Emmett’s clothes in the days that followed his murder. She made a blanket for each of my kids. They are still prized possessions.

Many people came and helped with responsibilities I would get very behind on, especially during the murder trial. It was always nice to come home to warm food and a clean house. Those were the things that brought peace to me during a dark time.

Were there any acts from others that hurt you? 

Along with thousands of kind emails, I have run into many who don’t use social media and modern technology to bring me up. Some words have pierced me so hard that I have cried for days. I am finally to a place where I just instantly delete the hate mail. I don’t let it get to me, but that was not always the case. Every time a new show would air with our story, or I would do a new interview they would flood in.

Now I just try to remember that hurting people like to cause pain in others. I smile, say out loud, “I am sorry life has been hard for you.” And click delete. No one can take our light away. No words are powerful enough to hold us in the dark.

Ashlee is proof that you can create great light in a terribly dark situation. We are immensely grateful for her sharing some of her experience with us. You can find Ashlee at @themomentswestand and www.themomentswestand.com  and learn more about her nonprofit at @areasontostand and www.areasontostand.org.

Gift Ideas for someone who has lost a spouse:

• Set up a MealTrain.
• "I See You" Necklace
• UberEats Gift Card
• Snack Basket

How to Host a Galentines Day Party

I’m a stay at home mom with four kids and every now and then I need some girl time with friends! One of my favorite things to do is throw a party and bring everyone together. Next month in light of Valentines Day, I thought it would be fun to get all the girls together for a Galentine’s Party. I’m excited and wanted to help you throw your own! Here are a few tips and tricks I’ve learned to help make throwing a party a success.

INVITES:

First thing you need to do is let your friends know about your party! You can always send a card in the mail, however, I prefer the internet.  Specifically Evites.  Have you heard of it? (this isn’t sponsored, I just love it!)  I’ve used it for many of my gatherings.  Some things I love about Evites is:

1. Its FREE - they have lots of designs or you can upload your own design. You can download ours that we used for our party! Feel free to leave it as it is or use photoshop to add details to it.
2. How does Evites work? You enter in the e-mail addresses to invite.  It saves the e-mails for down the road when you want to host another party.  When you send it out, you will be able to see who has RSVP’d and who has looked at the evite.  I have a few friends who are notorious for not checking their e-mails - so I’ll sometimes shoot them a text saying “hey, check your e-mail - I sent you an invite” 
3. You can assign tasks.  Say you want your guests to bring something - you have that capability to make an assignment. (I usually ask friends to bring food)
4. There is a comments section.  People can comment their excitement, what they want to bring or why they can’t make it. 
5. You can send reminder e-mails or update any info by sending one e-mail. 

DECORATIONS:
Decorations always seem daunting when you search Pinterest. I often get overwhelmed. But I’ve found it seems easier if I focus on 2 or 3 ideas and then use flowers as a filler.  I love flowers from Trader Joes and will use some greenery for my balloon arch and to put on the food table.

BALLOON ARCH: 
I have always wanted to make a balloon arch.  I looked high and low for all the different Pinterest directions on how to make one and then found a whole kit on Amazon for about the same price and all packaged up together.  I already have a balloon pump (trust me - you will NEED one) but I found this one on Amazon for a good price

This is what I purchased for the balloon arch: BALLOONS
If you are an avid DIYer - I found this tutorial on Pinterest.  They even have links to the items they purchased which is a huge help.

FOOD TABLE DECOR: 
Along with flowers, I am making this DIY XOXO table cloth! They suggested buying white fabric, but I found a white table cloth on AMAZON that will work great.

I have some black craft paint and a paint brush.  This pinterest tutorial is my inspiration.
These XOXO balloons will be a nice touch to my balloon arch as well.

OTHER IDEAS:

• Photodrop – there are lots of ideas on Pinterest for a DIY, budget friendly backdrop. 
• Garlands and banners
• Chalkboard art or welcoming words

PARTY GAMES:
I’ve learned playing a game or two really makes a party. It helps people mix and makes a fun atmosphere.

FAVORITE THINGS GIFT EXCHANGE:  This is my favorite part of the party! I have found many great products from my friends while attending Favorite Things parties. I am combining this Galentine’s party with the idea behind a Favorite Things party.  I will have my guests bring their favorite items worth $20. Everyone will leave with another guests favorite thing. If you’re looking for gift ideas, check out this post. 

Ways to hand out gifts:  In the past I’ve had everyone put their name on a piece of paper in a bag.  Then we’ve gone around the circle and whatever name you drew out, that’s who gift you kept.  It makes the exchange fair - so people aren’t pining over popular gifts. It’s a great way to keep everyone happy.  I love this method, but I decided to step it up a notch for this year.

I will be gathering as many large paper bags from grocery stores as I have people coming.  Each guest will set their gift they brought in each individual bag. We will set them up at the end of the hall and do a ping pong bounce toss.  Whichever bag your ping pong ball ends up in after one bounce, that is the gift you will take home. I’m doing this for one reason: It’s a great way to mix friends! I’ve learned whenever I mix friends who aren’t super comfortable with each other yet, the more interactive games you can have the better. 

KAHOOT:  Have you ever heard of KAHOOT?  It’s a trivia game on the computer or phones that you make.  You create all the questions and answers and then each guest will open up the website and enter a pin designated to your game.  You start the game and the players have a certain amount of time (that you decide when creating the game) to guess the answers by clicking on colored squares.  The game keeps track of who answers the fastest and has the correct answers. You could give prizes for who won the top 3 or just the winner.

GALEN-GORIES:  We will also be playing a game called Galen-gories. You can download it here. It is similar to Scattergories. You will be given a sheet of paper with 10 questions on it.  Next to each question are lines. Above each line is a letter. Your host will set a timer and you will answer the questions going down the first line.  In this game the first letter is P. You will write down an answer for each question with something that starts with the letter that is above that set of lines.  At the end you will go over the answers. If anyone else has your same answer - you will cross off that word. You can’t use the same word twice. Play 4 rounds with the different letters.  The one with the most unique answers at the end wins. You can gift them a prize or just give them bragging rights.

CANDY BAR GAME:  Buy as many candy bars as you have guests.  Set the candy bars in the center. Everyone will sit in a circle (or stay in their seats) and will roll two dice. Set the timer for 5 minutes.  Each player will roll the dice on their turn. If they get doubles they can choose a candy bar and set it in front of them. Keep the dice moving fast around the circle.  The next player to get doubles can either steal the candy bar from another guest or grab a new one. You have potential to get multiple candy bars. When the timer goes off, you keep whatever candy bars you have accumulated.  If you didn’t want to use candy, you could always grab your favorite items to give out as a hostess gift or you could use dollars or any other food item.

FOOD:
As a host in the past I’ve always felt I needed to provide all the food.  This can be daunting, stressful and expensive. Now I usually ask guests to bring food and I usually concentrate on drinks.  In my evite I will have ask guests to bring either an appetizer, dessert, or soda.

I always provide ice, torani syrups (for a drink bar) and a big jug of water.  I will provide plates, cups, utensils, straws, etc.

My party is just a few weeks away and I can’t wait!  Parties simply make me happy. If you plan one, which I hope you will, please tag us using hashtags #livepresentlee

ENJOY!