A Hundredfold

4/15/2015

Some days I miss having a girl.
Though I’m surrounded by boys, and love it, my heart still aches for a girl.

grief blog

I miss the pink. The bows. The frills. The mindset of a girl.
The comments I’m continually receiving don’t seem to help any -
”Oh your husband must be so proud, an all boy family!”
“It doesn’t look like girls run in your family…”

grief bloggrief blog 

I miss her.
Especially those cheeks and her little nose.
But just last week I was reminded when I read this quote:

 Try This!

Whether or not we’re blessed with another little girl while here on earth, 
if we’re faithful, the heartache and tears we’ve experienced will all be worth it.

A hundredfold.

I can’t even imagine what a hundredfold really is.
But I can’t wait for the day we’re able to find out.

Miss you, Monkey.

They Really Do know Her

4/02/2015

We made arrangements to visit to the cemetery this week. We buckled three boys into their car seats, the oldest holding two bouquets of fake pink flowers he had carefully picked out. Just minutes after we pulled out of our driveway, Pat and I heard, “Drive faster Dad!”

As soon as the cemetery came into view, Ledger begged to be unbuckled first. We reassured him, he would be, and seconds after being let out, Ledger literally leaped out of the car and ran up to Preslee’s headstone. He whispered something, bent down and kissed her picture. Seconds later, Cannon and Cruiz were right behind him, and they reverently approached the headstone, copied their brother and rested their little cheeks on her picture, their version of a hug. Their reaction surprised me, because Cannon and Cruiz really haven’t been to the cemetery all too often.

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Pat and I walked over to help Ledger put the new flowers into the white vases. And then the next little while was spent listening to the twins making monkey sounds as they pointed to the monkey on the back of the headstone. Pat and I talked to the boys about their older sister, answering the million of questions Ledger had about Preslee, life, heaven, and earth. Pat and I repeatedly called the twins back, telling them to put the trinkets back on the surrounding headstones, while threatening they would have to sit in the car if they chose not to listen :)

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When we told the boys it was time to go, Ledger surprised us when he burst into tears.
When we ask what was wrong, he replied,

“But I just miss her so much, I wish I didn’t have to wait till heaven to see her.”

IMG_3265(Ledger crying :)

As I watched all three boys gathered around their older sister’s headstone, the oldest crying while saying goodbye, I couldn’t help but think back to when I was expecting Ledger, fearing every single day that I wouldn’t be able to mix two different worlds. The distinct thought then came to mind, “They really do know her.”  It was one of those tender mercies, where you feel your Heavenly Father’s love, it felt like He was smiling at me, saying,

“Remember all those times I told you it’s all going to be okay? Well it is, isn’t it?” 

Before we left, Ledger kissed the picture of Preslee, and I heard him whisper, “I love you, Pweswee.” The twins once again copied their older brother with another hug, and we piled into the car and drove towards home.

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As I thought about our experience on the way home, one quote continued to stand out.

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Just days before, I had been blessed to attend the General Women’s session
of general conference {Watch it here} I kept thinking back to Bonnie L Oscarson’s talk when she said,

“Let us defend the home as a place which is second only to the Temple in holiness.”

Though Preslee lives in heaven, my kids can continue to have a relationship with her, I just just need to lead by example, and help create an atmosphere to allow her to be present in our home.

Somewhere she can’t be restrained from being.

This week, my goals shifted. I’ve strived to make our home a different place, because”Strong eternal families and Spirit – filled homes do not just happen, they take great effort. “ (Cheryl A. Esplin) And though I’ve learned it takes a lot of work, with a lot of patience, I keep thinking about what President Henry B. Eyring said,

Joy always comes after sorrow.”
(Read his talk here.)

I cannot even begin to imagine the joy we will experience after living a life spent missing our daughter. As Easter approaches, I continue to think about what it will be like to see my daughter resurrected, and what it will feel like to hold her in my arms with my boys standing next to me. I’m so grateful for a loving Savior who made so many promises possible.

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Happy Easter.

We’re Moving!

3/28/2015

I’m extremely proud of this guy. 

ADPThe past few months have been incredibly stressful as we’ve searched for a job, but last week Pat was offered a job for ADP AdvancedMD in South Jordan, UT. (His office is next to IKEA, yay!) Yes, we’re moving to Utah! He’ll be helping private medical practices with their medical software and is really excited about his job.

Its a little bittersweet, we’ve lived in the same house for the past 7 years and our entire marriage, and we’re moving away from family, (What am I going to do without my mom?) I know, I know, we’re only a few hours away from home  :) But everything fell into place perfectly and we feel this is where we’re supposed to be.

The next step is to find a place to rent, somewhat close to South Jordan. Any ideas? We’d appreciate any leads! Pat starts mid May so we have about a month and half to pack up.

We’re EXTREMELEY excited to start this new chapter in life.utah

Utah here we come!

I love Easter

3/26/2015

Easter cookies

I spent the afternoon baking a big ol’ batch of these babies with my boys, I look forward to them every Easter. (They’re really that good.) The boys and I spent the afternoon delivering them to a few friends and neighbors, including Ledger’s primary teachers’ , I haven’t seen him that excited in ages. “Thank you for being my teacher!” He then proceeded to tell her which cookie she could eat, (I quickly learned he thought we were all going to sit down and eat them together.

But he was still excited as he hopped all the way back to the car.

I love this time of year, mainly because I love Easter. I love everything that it stands for, and feel blessed to be able to celebrate it.

I feel like Ledger is finally old enough to start some fun traditions, just wondering what traditions you look forward to each year? Religious or more Easter Bunny themed, I’d love to hear what makes your Easter special.

Cookie recipe {here}
Easter Inspiration {here}

Uncle Jimmy

3/20/2015

Dear Sledgehammer,

Sometimes I wish I could stop time. And continually bask in days like today.

As a three year old, you are continually working on adding words to your vocabulary, and come up with some of the funniest things. You still adore me, and continually ask me if one day you can marry me. You are incredibly affectionate, you love receiving hugs, and just today, made it a point to jump off your scooter and plant a quick kiss on my cheek and yell out “I love you, Mom!” multiple times.

We played hard, you scooted around town, and my heart is incredibly full.

Three year old

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And just because you haven’t stopped talking about our treat today…we’re big Jimmy Fallon fans in our house. You have an Uncle Jamie and used to get Jimmy and Jamie mixed up, so somehow Jimmy Fallon became Uncle Jimmy. (Got that?) Anyway, after collapsing on the grass, and exclaiming, “I’m so tired!” I grabbed two spoons, some ice cream, (The Tonight Dough is amazing!) sat down on our front steps and we dug in. You were squealing with delight over the fact we were eating out of the carton, and suddenly asked: 

L:Where did you get this?
A:Broulims (local grocery store)
L:Uncle Jimmy mailed it to Broulims for us?
A:Yep.
L: Uncle Jimmy is the best!

The tonight doughThe tonight dough
I never want to forget my TMNT lover, scooter ridin’, uncle jimmy lovin’ three year old little boy.

Love,
             Momma

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