October 2017 Update

It’s been awhile since we’ve updated, so here goes!

Patrick – Started a new job this summer. Now knowing where we are going to be, we bought a home in North Salt Lake. He works for National MedsTrans, a division of United Health Care. He manages transportation benefits for health care plans and members. He’s been staying busy after work with all the projects Ashley has lined up for him working on the new house.

Ashley – Stays busy running the kids around. She’s almost finished painting the entire house, (including ceilings) hallelujah!  She can usually be found with Oaklee on her hip, and Pog at her heels while simultaneously helping with homework or playing with the boys. Moving out of the small rental has done wonders for her sanity.

Preslee – Continues to influence in many different ways. Ashley received the sweetest e-mail from an Atheist who had discovered her Instagram account. It’s been long enough now that Ashley is hearing back about Presentlee, and the hard work is paying off. Ashley has been busy designing new products that will be released within the next month that will hopefully help people in need.

Ledger – Loves 1st grade! He loves playing soccer at recess and loves playing with Oaklee when he gets home. He looks forward to mom reading him Harry Potter ever night before bed and thinks having his own room is the greatest.

Cannon – Has excelled with preschool! He’s become such a happy kid and become more willing to put himself out there with other kids. He’s been doing well in speech and mastered the initial “f” and “z” sounds and started working on “s” this week.

Cruiz – Is also attending speech and finally mastered his  initial “f” sound! Yay! He also loves preschool and wrote his name for the first time yesterday. He spends his afternoons building storm trooper ships with Legos and cuddles up with mom every night before bed

Oaklee –  It’s hard to believe Oaklee’s first year is coming to an end! The last few weeks, Oaklee went from being a easy laid back little thing to full a full on tornado! She empties the kitchen drawers in seconds and squeals with delight the entire time she’s doing it. She has no interest in walking and speed crawls everywhere she goes.

Pog – Seems to be getting a little ornery in her old age :) She’ll be turning 10 this December and for whatever reason hasn’t adjusted well to this move. She follows Ashley around wherever she goes, and scratches at the back door continuously. She’s in heaven though while Oaklee sits in her highchair and feeds Pog her entire meal.

Losing A Child

After Preslee passed away, I found myself trying to learn all that I could about where she was. I had so many unanswered questions and I wanted answers. I've studied many books and articles over the years, and have formed my own opinion on many things. But today I read a new article I hadn't seen before. I found it so insightful and it might answer some of your questions too. 

"Although President Joseph F. Smith knew firsthand the anguish, loneliness, and love that attend the death of a child, his teachings on the salvation of little children were inspiring and reassuring. Between 1869 and 1898, he buried nine little children of his own."

I can't imagine losing eight more children. Gah. I'm not sure I could survive. 
Anyway, here's the article focusing on losing a child. I hope you enjoy it.

Do you have any favorite books or articles teaching about what happens after death? If so, please share below!

Lets Talk About Grief

I recently received a message telling me I needed to stop sulking and since I’ve been able to have more kids, it’s time to get over my situation.

I’ll be honest, the comment made me a little upset. But after letting some time pass, I realized though I understand why I write what I do, and I’m pretty certain those who have been here from the beginning understand, my blog has grown over the years and new readers might not understand why I continue to write about death and grief.

After Preslee died, I was shocked at what grief entailed. Why hadn’t anybody talked about this? Why didn’t I understand what was happening to me? Was I crazy? Was what I experiencing normal? I didn’t know many people who had lost children, so I felt completely alone and overwhelmed.

Just following Preslee’s funeral, I honestly never expected anyone to check back in again on the blog. But as people continued to leave comments and send e-mails, (I’ve been blessed with the most incredible support group) I decided to write a post about grief. I was astounded at the outpouring of love I received. Many people shared that they had  experienced the same feelings and emotions, and let me know that I wasn’t crazy. Though I was grateful for the many responses, it left me confused. Why was death such a taboo topic? I’ve come to learn that everyone will be affected by death at some point in their life, and if all these people who reached out to me felt the same way, why did people get so uncomfortable when I said my daughter’s name?

I promise, I’ll always be the first to say I have been blessed beyond measure. I still can’t believe less than six years after Preslee’s death we have four other children in our home, (another girl included!) There’s never a day I take them for granted.  But even though I have them, it doesn’t mean that I don’t experience grief at times. As bad as I wish I could just wash it all aside, I can’t. I’ve learned it doesn’t really work that way. The harder I fight it, the worse it seems to become. So I’ve learned to let it run its course, trying to function the best way I know how to at the time. 

So, why do I continue to write?

My goal is to simply educate. Over the years I’ve received letters sharing that my posts have helped them realize they aren’t alone in what they are experiencing. I feel like I was lucky enough to have many of you reassure me that happiness could return, and the hope you gave me was simply irreplaceable. My goal is to do the same for others.

I also hope to let those who haven’t experienced a loss understand that grief doesn’t suddenly disappear a year later. It truly is a life long journey, and that it really is okay to grieve. I’ve told Pat, time and time again, if what I write helps just one person, it’s completely worth being vulnerable and opening up to the world. 

So, next time you stumble across one of my post on grief, please don’t mistake it for anything other than trying to share what I’ve learned. I’m not looking for pity, or even sulking. This journey through life can be difficult, my hope is we can get through it, together.

Seven Years

Today marks seven years since we said goodbye to our sweet little girl. My arms ache to hold her, and what I wouldn’t do to be able to look at her, just for a moment.

Each year the overwhelming emotions return, and as hard as I try, I can’t help but review the last 24 hours we had with her in my mind. This year, my grief seems a little confusing, as it seems to be tangled with Preslee and the loss of my Grandma Siddoway.

We attended my Grandma’s funeral on the 12th, which made Pat and I a little emotional having it on the same week as Preslee’s Angelversary. My Grandma was buried next to Preslee in the Sutton Cemetery, and after placing a rose on her casket, I stepped off to the side, and took a look around. I couldn’t help but notice all the changes that have taken place in the past seven years.

Our family has grown in so many ways, cousins have married, 16 babies have been born, (including four of our own) and what stuck out to me the most was the toddlers who attended Preslee’s funeral, are now eight years old, which stung a quite bit.

I’ve learned patience and empathy. Experienced love and pain, all of which have taught me unforgettable lessons. I think the biggest area of growth stems from realizing I have an anchor in heaven waiting for me, cheering and rooting me on. Losing Preslee has given me an eternal perspective and influences many of the decisions I make on a daily basis. I was reminded of the important things to focus on as I was listening to my dad and uncle talk about my Grandma during her funeral.  

(My Grandma Siddoway is in the blue.)

Though it’s Preslee’s Angelversary, my grief is without a doubt a tangled mess with the memories of two people. Each year on this day, I find myself praying, asking for someone to give Preslee a hug for me, because it’s what I long for the most. Today l realized that it’s the first time I know with certainty that my prayer will be answered, because there’s no doubt in my mind, my Grandma will be the one to do it.  

What a bittersweet gift to be given.

Here’s to one year closer to seeing them both.

I Miss Her

I was searching for a specific picture and somehow ended up watching videos of Preslee tonight. I may have shared this years back, but she had me laughing, and then crying. I miss her wispy hair.

When I watch videos, it almost seems like she existed in a different life. Eighteen months went by too fast, and I realize I’ve forgotten so much. When I watch her quirky personality, I can’t help but wonder what she would be like as an eight year old.

Lately, Cruiz has been mentioning that he misses Preslee and Jesus. He is so sincere about it, and it always comes up during random times. He’s now the same age when Ledger used to say the same thing… it makes me wonder what little kids see.

Ah, tomorrow is a new day, which means we’re one day closer to seeing her again.

We miss you Monkey.