Favorite Things

Sometimes it’s nice to shut the bathroom door, forget about the world, and pamper yourself for a night! If you’re following along with our Be Present Service Challenge you’ll know this week we’re focusing on loving ourselves. I thought it would be fun to share a few items that I used to pamper myself this week. These are all items that I love!

1. 7th Heaven Face Mask - If I’m going to spend some time pampering myself, you better believe I’m going to throw a face mask on for the night! Here’s a great and cheap mask which I usually buy from Walmart.

2. Lavender Epsom Salt – I love a good soak in the tub! And this lavender Epsom salt is amazing to relax in.

3. Hask Monoi Coconut Dry Shampoo – Who has time to wash their hair every morning? I know I don’t! I’ve tried a lot of dry shampoo’s and this has become a favorite! The best part is it smells amazing! Though I’ve linked it on Amazon, you can usually find it at Ulta for less.

4. Saranoni Blanket – My friend kept telling me about her amazing blanket that everyone in her family fights over. I finally purchased one a little while back and I can’t believe how much I love it. It’s literally the softest blanket I’ve ever owned. I purchased the throw size and I get compliments on it in my front room all the time.

5. Torani Syrup – Anyone else love a fun drink? After owning a Sno Shack I learned how easy it is to mix syrups and soda. (Think Fiiz, Swig, Sodalicious) but I hate piling my kids in the car to grab one! So invest in a couple of these syrups, and you’re golden! My favorite flavors are sugar free coconut, pomegranate, and sugar free raspberry.

6. Journal – This morning while I was curled up in my Saranoni blanket, I filled out my gratitude journal. (This was also part of this week’s challenge.) I collaborated with a water color artist and I created this journal for Presentlee. I love the floral, the colors, and what I’ve written inside even more.

I hope after loving yourself a little more this week you’ll realize how important self care is. It’s definitely worth the time and energy to take care of yourself. SEe you tomorrow as we dive into week 2.

Breastfeeding tips for desperate mommas!

I’ve had five kids and breastfeeding has never come easy for me. Over the years I’ve listened to women talk about all the extra milk they make and how they love breastfeeding because it practically sucks their fat away. Hmm… not my experience, but I certainly wish it was. To be honest, my experience is completely opposite. After my fifth, I did a lot of research, talked to a bunch of moms and things went much better. I thought I’d share what I learned for any moms out there needing an extra boost in their milk supply.

Background – so you know where I’m coming from.
Breastfeeding Preslee, my oldest went alright, I still had to supplement about a bottle a day and nursed for 8 months until I dried up.

Ledger came and after a couple months I threw in the towel. It was a nightmare and I kept getting mastitis. Later down the road I learned he couldn’t breathe through his nose and the first question the ENT asked was, “Did he struggle breastfeeding?”

I never produced enough for the twins. I’ve since learned I don’t produce as much pumping, and that my boys were tongue tied. But I kept trying and worked with a lactation consultant until my sweet husband sat me down and told me it just wasn’t working, and that it was okay. I told him I felt so much pressure, probably because the first question people often asked me was, “Are you breastfeeding both?”  Life became much more doable for me once I turned to the bottle.

When it came to Oaklee I did a lot of research beforehand and decided I was going to give it my best effort. (She couldn’t have breathing or tongue issues, right?) I was able to nurse her for 11 months and this time it went 100 times better! I still didn’t overproduce and it took a lot of effort, but it was a much better experience due to the things shared below.

Ways to Increase Your Milk Supply

1. EAT! I don’t tend to lose weight while breastfeeding, (I’ve since learned many others don’t either!) so my natural reaction was to count calories. But this time around, I ate… a lot! I made sure most of it was healthy and I saw results. I could definitely tell a difference in my milk supply if I wasn’t eating enough calories during the day. I had to mentally remind myself I’ll drop the weight in the end.
2. Water, water, water! I bought this tumbler here, (If you don’t have one, it will change your life!) and made sure to get at least 100 oz. in every day. Make sure to drink, drink, drink! It will make a world of difference.
   
3. Oatmeal for Breakfast. I ate oatmeal nearly every day for the first six months. After six months, my body didn’t seem to need as much help. Many times I’d throw in a little ground flax seed as well. (Flaxseed is known to help with breastfeeding)
4. Supplements. I took Fenugreek daily for months. Many people suggested Milkflow instead of fenugreek, but my supply actually went down. After reading the comments I think I may be the minority, but I’d still recommend giving it try. Another great supplement to try is Mother's Milk, it’s a tea and many swear by it.
5. Booby Bites! When I was low I’d make some of these energy bites, (aka booby bites as my friend called them). I swear by these healthy little treats, they tasted great, and I snacked on them regularly. (Recipe below)
6. Smoothie. When I got sick of oatmeal, I’d replace it with this laction smoothie recipe. (Recipe below)
7. Mastitis? I feel ya, it’s the absolute worst! I got it one time with Oaklee, and a friend shared that she immediately takes Lecithin as soon as soon as she felt symptoms. The next time I felt it coming on, I immediately took it and it seriously worked! Why hadn’t anyone shared this stuff with me before? I’d have these babies on hand at all times while nursing. If you’re prone to mastitis, get some!
8. Ouch! As I was leaving the hospital, my nurse heard me talking about how sore I already was from breastfeeding. She ran and grabbed some Black Tea Bags and instructed me to place them in as hot of water as I could stand and then place them over my nipples. I gave it a try and it worked wonders, even better than the Lansinoh cream I was given. It needs to be black tea, and be careful, because they stain a little bit.

It seems like a lot of work, doesn’t it? But I felt it was definitely worth it, especially since Oaklee gave the binky and bottle up after a couple of months. But if it doesn’t work out, I promise that it’s okay. Don’t let the pressure get to you like it did me with my twins. As long as you are doing what’s best for you and your baby, that’s what matters. For me, that included bottle feeding twice.

Do you have any other tips that I missed? If so, please leave a comment below!

Booby Bites
1 cup of old-fashioned oatmeal
1/2 cup peanut butter
1/2 cup ground flax seed
1 cup shredded coconut
1/3 cup of honey
1/2 tablespoon Brewer's Yeast
1 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup mini chocolate chips

1.  Combine and mix the dry ingredients - oatmeal, coconut, chocolate chips, Brewer’s Yeast, and flax seed.
2.  Add the peanut butter, honey, and vanilla and mix together.
3.  Refrigerate mixture for at least one hour.
4.  Remove from the refrigerator and roll mixture into small balls.

These are addicting! My boys loved them, too :)

Lactation Smoothie
1 banana
1/3 cup rolled oats
2 TBS honey
1 TBS peanut butter
1 TBS brewer’s yeast
1 TBS flax seed
1/2 tsp vanilla extract
1/2 tsp cinnamon

Toss ingredients in a blender along with some ice. Blend well.

Motherhood

Motherhood. It’s often a beautiful mess, isn’t it?

Having four kids has rocked my world. It’s the first time breastfeeding has went well (Yay!), but while I feed, (all day, every day) the boys destroy…everything in sight.

I’m not writing this looking for pity, but rather just documenting life. These are often my favorite posts to read back on when enough time has passed that I can actually laugh :)

 

Last week I hurried to get Ledger to school on time, I ushered four kids into the car along with Pog and miraculously made it right as the bell rang. We waved goodbye to Ledger and zoomed off to take Pog to the groomers to be shaved. (If you have a pug, shave it, you can thank me later )

I parked the car, and struggled getting the twins, Oaklee, and Pog out of the car. As we were just a few steps away from the pet shop, Pog yanked and broke ff her collar. She immediately took off running in the parking lot. (Sound familiar?) I hurried and shoved the twins inside the pet store, (There wasn’t anyone in sight) and put Oaklee’s carrier down by them and ran after Pog. About ten minutes later, and with the help of a complete stranger, and a man glaring at me from inside his truck because he didn’t dare drive in fear of running over Pog, I finally caught the dog and carried her into the pet store, where I found Cannon and Cruiz screaming.

In their gibberish twin talk they both were yelling, “The animals are loose! The animals are loose!” There was still no one else in sight, other than a cat walking towards them and a couple parrots squawking on top of their cages. They were terrified. I walked right past the boys and took Pog back to the groomer who chastised me for not having her on a leash. We left as quickly as we could after telling the groomer she could keep our dog.

Later that afternoon, as I was cutting one of the boys hair in the upstairs bathroom, I heard screaming and found two of the boys trying to hide under Oaklee’s crib, as I tried to interpret their words in between their screams, I realized they thought our house was flooding and we were all going to die… 

 

(This picture doesn’t do it justice, I really couldn’t believe how deep the water was.)

I dropped the clippers, and ran downstairs and found toilet water gushing out and filling the bathroom along with the next room over. I later learned they had dropped an entire roll of toilet paper in the water and tried to flush/stuff it down with the plunger. I waded through the water on the ground to turn off the pipes to the toilet, all while Cruiz screamed, “I’m scurrred! I’m scurred!” (This isn’t the first time, about a year ago, the twins stuffed a rag down the toilet and Ledger excitedly came to tell me the twins had made a splash pad in our house!)

I’m proud to say, I got the water cleaned up, (It took every towel we owned) finished the haircut, showered the boys, and said forget about dinner, mac and cheese will do, all before Pat came home.

This has been what life looks like starting about two weeks after bringing Oaklee home. These boys are testing every ounce of my being, but each day we somehow make it through the day, and Pat is literally my savior when he walks through the door. He usually has me laughing about my crazy day within minutes.

Motherhood…it’s messy and beautiful all at the same time. At the end of the day, I sure am lucky to experience it. I truly love it, the floods and all. Over the next few months everything in our home might be destroyed, but we have each other, and that’s all we really need.

Nine Weeks

Seven years ago, I was expecting my first child, at my second ultrasound I learned I was carrying a little girl. Her measurements always lined up perfectly, so I was only given two ultrasounds while carrying her. Both times I oohed and aahed as I watched her move inside of me,  just like I did during my second pregnancy, when I carried her little brother.

Then came my third pregnancy, SURPRISE! You’re having TWINS! After a well deserved freak out moment, which included laughing, tears, and me blurting out, “I have two babies in my stomach!” to the doctor when he walked through the door, I was in a complete state of shock as I watched two babies up on the screen. It was amazing, surreal even, to watch one 9 week old baby wiggling as fast as it could, while the other remained extremely calm. I still remember the ultrasound tech making a joke saying, “At least you’ll have one calm one!”  The hyperactive baby was quickly named ‘Baby A,’ while the mild little one became ‘Baby B.’

(9 week ultrasound)

A twin pregnancy is considered a high risk pregnancy, so I was given an ultrasound at least every four weeks, (sometimes more). Throughout my entire pregnancy, the more I watched those two little babies, the more I fell in love with them.  At 16 weeks I learned I was carrying two boys. Each time those two little boys appeared on that small screen, the ultrasound tech and I would laugh as we watched their personalities match what we noticed at my first appointment. All ‘Baby B’ seemed to want to do was cuddle right in, while ‘Baby A’ seemed to be kicking away as he sought freedom. By the end of my pregnancy ‘Baby B’ seemed as content as could be because there was nowhere for his brother to escape to.

(30 Weeks) 

On a hot July day, I checked into the hospital already dilated to an eight, and vaginally gave birth to two small identical boys, just two minutes apart. They were immediately whisked away into the NICU, and I wasn’t able to see them until hours later. Throughout the next few weeks as I made daily visits to the hospital, one thing was obvious, ‘Baby B’ or Cruiz craved time with his brother Cannon. Cannon seemed to tolerate it, but after so long, he’d usually get a little restless and never seemed happier than while laying in his own bassinet. Now, two years later, I’ll catch Cruiz attempting to cuddle while watching a movie, and Cannon will push him away.

‘Baby B’ (on right) nestling into ‘Baby A’ 

These memories have come to mind as I’ve watched the Planned Parenthood articles circulate on my newsfeed. I’ll admit in the past, I’ve turned my head to these articles, because I didn’t want to think about millions of babies being killed. But as I’ve thought back to my own experience and to what was so clearly present at just nine weeks in my two little boys’ lives, I feel like I need to take a stand for those babies who aren’t capable of doing so. Ask the ultrasound tech, my husband even, it was clear that my babies showed signs of their personalities at my first doctor’s appointment.

Nine weeks.

At nine weeks, abortion clinics don’t even bat an eye at performing an abortion. In fact abortions take place well into the second trimester, where babies are being torn apart, limb by limb, and having their tissues and organs sold. This has to stop. This year alone there has been 24,107,100, and the number increases every second. (Source:here) I realize there are times abortions are necessary for the mother’s life, or even in the case of rape, but from what I’ve read, and my own experience, I’m here to attest it was obvious my babies were very aware of each other during the second trimester. It teaches me babies can feel way before 20 weeks gestation. Don’t tell me that it isn’t painful for them to be ripped apart.

Though I often stray away from controversial issues, I hope maybe, if even one expecting mother reads this, and realizes the baby she is carrying is aware of so much more than she may realize, this might just help her consider an alternative. It’s time to start thinking of these babies as human beings.

(Baby leaning intowards Baby A)

And even as I type this, I see Cruiz (Baby B) sitting silently cuddled up next to his older brother, while Cannon (Baby A) runs around our house like a tornado. These babies are very much alive and aware of more than I think we understand at just nine weeks. I feel grateful my twin pregnancy taught me what it did.

Is it easier, now that they are older?

 
Today I made a spur of the moment decision, I wanted to paint some chairs. I looked down at my boys, and noticed their uncoordinated outfits and their uncombed hair. But it was going to be a quick trip, so I quickly ushered them into the car and told myself nobody would even notice. We drove 10 minutes away to the paint store and when we pulled into the parking lot, noticed a big sign in the window saying they no longer sold the paint we were looking for. There was address listed below and after plugging it into my GPS, I learned it was 20 minutes away. I sat for a minute, wondering if I wanted to make the drive, and then thought, why not?

So I jumped on the freeway, hit traffic, felt grateful for a GPS, and eventually made it in downtown SLC. I’m not sure what happened during the drive, but when I pulled my boys out of the car, they were completely wired. Cannon and Cruiz immediately took off in different directions and I chased them around the parking lot, praying no cars would pull in. I finally lassoed the two of them, and walked into the store while holding both their hands with Ledger following behind. A lady immediately stepped up and asked what I needed help with, and led me over to the paint sample colors. While I searched for a turquoise paint, my boys went crazy. It was just like our experience at the airport last January {Read Here}. Both twins were running different ways, I was extremely flustered and started cussing the small paint store who didn’t have carts that I could throw them into. (Ha the place was full of working men who obviously need carts)  Ledger could tell how upset I was getting, so he began yelling, “Brudder, come back HERE!” and grabbing the back of their shirts which would cause whichever boy he had to fall backwards onto Ledger’s legs and then they would both topple over. And that would of course start a full our brotherly brawl…

And while Ledger wrestled one, I’d run after the other, walk back to talk to the lady, and try to stop the boy in my arms from wiggling their way out. Cannon’s main goal was to try and pull paint off the shelves as fast as he could. Awesome. Cruiz was just following his brother’s lead.

Suddenly a family that I grew up with in our community came to mind. I remember being a teenager and looking at all of their boys and thinking, “They are soo out of control. Don’t they discipline?” And at that very moment I realized we were THAT family. And those words just blurted right out of my mouth, while I was looking at the lady showing me a paint color.

“We’re totally that family!”

She just smiled, let out a soft chuckle continued talking about paint. She never said anything judgmental, and as I ran after boys she patiently waited for me to return to finish her sentence. She even reminded me to grab my phone when walking up to the front desk.

While the paint was mixing, I threw the boys on a random couch in the front of the store and stood in front of them and said, “Don’t get off.”

   

And as I thought more about that family with all boys from Rexburg, I realized they are now older, and all seem to be turning out okay. So while I stood in front of my boys and threatened them with their lives, I started encouraging myself.  “You’ve got this, you just have to make it through the next 16 years… They don’t need to be the President of the USA, they just have to turn out somewhat normal. Yeah, you’ve got this Ash! ” My glare/scowl eventually turned into a smile because I realized there was hope for my three little hellions, and noticed a guy next to me  staring as I was smiling at my boys who were now wrestling on the couch… undoubtedly thinking, “Doesn’t she discipline? They are so out of control.”

 

To answer the question I’m asked nearly every day, “Is it easier, now that your boys are older?”

Yes and no.

Today… No.

I’m just grateful how nonjudgmental the lady was who surprised me and carried out my box of paint supplies to my car as I literally drug two twin boys who refused to walk… Yeah, we’ve got this.

Pictures

It seems like the topic of death is continually being brought up in my life. People tend to share stories of families they know who have lost someone. I’ve been surprised how often comments are made regarding any family who has left pictures or personal items up of their loved one after they passed away—their tone implying they think it just isn’t right, (I’m not meaning a shrine, just a picture or two). Over the past few years, I’ve learned many people feel after someone dies, they are gone, therefore, there’s no need to mention that person again, or keep anything related to them. The thought of anything tied to death seems to scare the people I’m talking to. And I should mention each person I’ve had this similar conversation with has never lost anyone close to them.

As I’ve tried to relate to this way of thinking, I remember being invited to Sunday dinner at my FHE brother’s home while attending college at BYU-I. While waiting for dinner, I remember they had a wall decorated with a picture of each of their kids in their family room. I walked over to look at he pictures, as I glanced over each picture, my eyes rested on one of their teenage daughter. Something was different about it... I realized all the pictures were up to date, except for this one. Before I could think too much into it, my FHE brother quietly stated she had passed away years ago. Death was something I wasn’t used to back then, and I remember freezing, not really sure what I should say back to him. But the thing that caught me off guard was how nervous he looked as he waited for me to respond.

Fast forward just a few years later, and suddenly I’m placed in his shoes. Countless people have entered our home and when their eyes rest on a picture of Preslee, many act uncomfortable or even nervous. It used to make me feel uncomfortable, and many times made me feel like I was doing something wrong by keeping Preslee’s picture up in my own home. I now understand my FHE brother’s nervous response.

But the truth is, I have multiple pictures of our daughter displayed in our home. I also have little subtle reminders that strangers wouldn’t realize have any meaning. And if you think I’m crazy for doing so, here’s a little glimpse inside my head as to why I love each picture or reminder.

It’s been four years since I lost my daughter, and there hasn’t been one single day that she hasn’t crossed my mind. As time continues onward, I realize just like every other mother who continues to care or think about her child when they are out of sight, I do too. I think about Preslee, just as I do about my boys. Death didn’t strip away Preslee’s relation to me. She is still my daughter and I still love he fiercely. When grief consumed me, I honestly tried not to think about her at times, but I couldn’t do it. I found it’s innate, it’s part of being a mother, and as painful as it is at times, I now find it a blessing. Even though people might see our situation as our daughter is dead, we view our situation as our daughter is in a different place. Though we’re forced to be separated during the remainder of our lives, I know for a fact Preslee continues to exist—just somewhere else.

So it only seems natural to keep up a few reminders of our daughter, we didn’t disown her because of her death. And trust me, the separation is painful, horrific at times. I leave pictures up to remind me—remind me that it isn’t the end.

Preslee’s pictures mingled in with the rest of the family pictures reminds us that our family can be together forever, and teaches her brothers they have a sister.

The shadow box in my room filled with Preslee’s sandals make me smile each time my eyes fall on it. I’m reminded of the chubby toddler feet I squeezed in there on a daily basis—that I am still her mother.

The drawing of Preslee in Christ’s arms reminds Pat and myself that we don’t have to fear, that she is being taken care of. It also reminds us there are things we need to do in order to be reunited with her.

I know I’m not alone in this way of thinking. I remember a friend telling me that her brother died many years ago while in high school. She smiled when she shared that to this day, you can see smudged kiss marks on her brother picture. Her mom still walks by and from time to time gives it a kiss.

Even if you still don’t understand, and the topic of death still seems…well, scary. Please go easy on momma’s like me. While you get to enjoy thousands of moments with your children, we’re left with two things—memories and heartache.

And if a picture sparks a good memory, I’ll take that over heartache every day.

Today…

Boys, let me tell you about today…

Today I woke up to one of you crying. When I opened the door I saw Ledger laying in bed playing peek-a-boo with Cruiz across the room. Cannon, you had wet through your diaper and were obviously upset. :) But the giggles coming from Ledger and Cruiz were contagious, and before long Cannon, you joined in. The perfect way to start out our day—laughing.

The laughing didn’t last long, once we walked out of the bedroom all three of you broke down, Ledger explaining, “We’re hungry, mom!” The twins held on to my legs and cried while I desperately tried to make all of you breakfast. I gave up on eggs, and gave in to cereal. You were all thrilled when I poured Life into your cereal bowls. Cruiz, you didn’t eat much, you were more interested in feeding Pog…

 

We played hard today. The front room instantly became a disaster, which we are all used to. Cannon, you ripped a few books up while I was changing your brother in the back room. Cruiz, you fell off the couch and practically did a back flip and landed on your neck, which led to about 30 minutes of crying in my arms, and me making sure you were really okay. Later, I heard a thud in your bedroom and Ledger came running out and exclaimed, “Don’t worry mom, I didn’t hurt my brain inside my head!”

 

I already forgot what I fed you all at lunch, my guess is a PB & J sandwich. And Cruiz, I’m sure you fed half of it to Pog…

Cannon, you refused to sleep (Just like the night before) so I took you out of the room so Cruiz could get a nap in. You became angry when I didn’t pull the baby gate down to let you in to the kitchen while Ledger and I finished a task, so you did what made sense in your little head, you stood in front of the door to your room and and yelled until you woke your brother up so you wouldn’t be alone. Let me tell you, I was thrilled.

Your dad didn’t make it home in time for dinner, and with three sleep deprived kids, I gave in and fed you before five. The few minutes of silence was completely worth it. Nobody wanted to eat the rice, chicken, and black beans, so I took turns feeding all three of you. Pretending the spoon was an airplane, convinced Ledger the meal was edible.(Okay, maybe it was was the bribe that anyone who finished their food got a piece of my leftover Birthday cake). Cannon, you got sick of waiting for your turn, and while I was focusing on Ledger, picked up Cruiz’s plate and threw it at the baby gate. The food landed on the carpet in the hallway and generously fed Pog your brother’s entire meal… (No exaggeration, I promise!)

After dinner, all three of you were in hysterics, and for all of our sanity Cannon and Cruiz, you were put to bed by 6:45. By the time I came out to grab Ledger, well, he was asleep on the couch. Ledger, when I lifted you up to take you to bed, I heard, “Mom, I lub you, and you’re the prettiest.”

My heart instantly melted, and just like that, everything that happened today was worth it. Motherhood is a crazy adventure, and at times I feel like I have NO idea what I’m doing. But thank you. Thank you for being patient with me. Thank you for being so forgiving when I lose my cool with all of you. Thank you for the millions of hugs and kisses that are given to me each day. And thank you for filling my once empty arms, I know you’ll never completely understand, but just know your chaos saves me, even if it seems like I don’t appreciate in the moment.

I could go on and on about how much I love you, but you’ll have to forgive me, putting you to bed at 6:45 means an early morning for all of us, so I’m off to bed myself. See you bright and early.

Love,
Momma 

Grief - It still hurts

One thing I’ve learned about grief is it doesn’t go away by ignoring it. Grief tends to stay close, and without warning pounds on the door wanting to be let in. The longer it is made to wait, the angrier it becomes, and usually becomes harder to get rid of—reminding me that we have a life long relationship, just in case I forgot.

But I’ve learned if I’m the one to invite grief in, take it by surprise, and do so before it has time to build up, the visits tend to be shorter, and not nearly as exhausting. 

For whatever reason this fourth year has been hard. I’ve been an emotional wreck since July.

It’s thrown me off. In a way, I’ve felt like I’ve regressed,
and after some major thought I realized why grief has taken control.

Year three, I didn’t let grief in.
I started the year off with a bang by having two babies, and that entire year (which is now a blur) was left with no time to grieve. Back in July I finally cracked the door open when I opened those clothes bins to sort through Preslee’s clothes, and without warning, grief slipped in and returned with a vengeance.

There was a lot of time to make up for.

To be honest, its been overwhelming.
I’m back to crying when I’m alone, usually in the car or the shower, similar to how it was just after the funeral.
It’s been frustrating, but I know it’s a process.
It’s just been surprising. I would have never guessed people would experience and be forced to process so many emotions FOUR years after losing someone.

The past couple of months I found myself retracting.
I hid from the world for a little while.
I quit writing as frequently on the blog.
I avoided phone calls and rarely returned any. (Sorry!)
I turned most friends down when they wanted to have play dates.
It became too much.

So I guess this is a major reason why I continue to write.
To help people understand grief.
I didn’t understand any of this before I was thrown into it.

If you know someone who has lost someone close to them, understand four years later it still hurts. 

The pain can still be debilitating, and acts of kindness are still appreciated.

Like the friend who dropped off breakfast the day Preslee should have started Kindergarten.

Something so small to many, was huge to me.
Or the friend who gave us the amazing drawing up above right before the year mark. It was drawn by another Angel Mom, who she sent the most amazing/understanding card along with it. {Find her work here}

Now that I finally feel like I have a hold on grief, that its been pushed to the back of the house, and is about to be thrown out, I’ll continue to remind myself that I can do hard things.
Or that grief will not always win, because with help from Christ, all things are possible.

Kindergarten

I should be…
Waking up early.
Excited.
Making breakfast, getting a little girl ready.
Helping her put on her new shoes, clothes, and a backpack.
Taking pictures on our front step.

I should be… loading up four kids to drop my oldest off at school.
Wondering where the time has went as I watch a little 5 year old bounce into her classroom.

I should be…
Anxiously waiting for the hours to pass by,
taking care of her brothers, and loading them up to walk the few blocks to pick her up.

I should be…
Pulling out cookies from the oven, placing a cookie in front of Preslee,
asking her all about her big day at school.

I should be doing a lot of things today.
But I’m not.

Instead, I’m reminded of what we’re missing as I watch family & friends post pictures of their five year olds on social media. If I could do it all over again, I would stay off social media for awhile.
Because it stings.



I think the reason missing this milestone has been so painful is because today I realized I’m not only letting go of one dream, but 13 others. Preslee will never have a first day of school, not today, not in 13 years from now, or ever in between.

Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier to have not lost our oldest. Would it be any softer to have already experienced a child attending school?
I guess we’ll never know.

As I process the statement up above, I realize it’s time to focus on new hopes and dreams, but at this moment I’m not sure what those need to be.

So I think I’ll make today a “Preslee day.” Instead of loading the boys to drop her off at school, I’ll drive them around and find some way to serve. Maybe it will even help me understand what new goals and dreams I need to set, because I’ve learned there’s a lot to let go of when a mom loses her only daughter.

There’s so much that I drastically miss,
and days like today don’t seem to help any.

 

We miss you, Preslee.