How to Help Someone Grieving During the Holidays

The Holidays are quickly approaching, and though it’s a magical time for most, those who have experienced a recent loss tend to struggle. Family gatherings and celebrations are often a painful reminder of what is missing in their life. As I think back over the past nine years following my daughter’s death, I realize there were many people who made a conscious effort to help us get through the Holidays. I wanted to compile different ways to help someone experiencing grief survive this time of year. 

1. Acknowledge the loss. It’s okay to acknowledge the loss. Often times people say, “I don’t want to make them sad,” but I can assure you they’ve already thought about their situation. Please realize that by saying, “I’m sorry,” at any time after someone has passed away is never inappropriate or too late.
   
   
2. Don’t be afraid to ask. We experienced Christmas just a few months after we lost our daughter. I realize it was difficult for family to know or understand the best way to help us, but I was so grateful when one side of the family asked how they could make it easier for us. I was thankful they asked, because though I loved my nephews and nieces, I didn’t want to watch them open presents. I just couldn’t. I felt guilty for feeling this way, but couldn't help it. When a family member asked how they could help, I was grateful to be given the opportunity to quietly share my feelings. After conversing, we decided that my husband and I would take off a little early on Christmas Eve before they opened presents. In contrast, when we visited the other side on Christmas day, I didn’t dare speak up and they carried on with tradition as usual. After watching the kids open presents, I went downstairs and cried. It made for a difficult day.
   
   
   
3. Think about all family members. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s a million times easier finding a grief related gift for women than it is men and boys, but one thing I’ve observed is that males need to know they have support too. Try to acknowledge everyone in the family, including children. One year I dropped off a gift for a neighbor who had recently lost his brother. His wife later told me that it was the first time he had been given a gift, everyone else had only thought about his parents. Since then I’ve made a conscious effort to focus on more than just the female(s) in the family.  Here are some gift suggestions for men -here, and children - here.
   
   
   
4. Take Action. While grieving, it’s not uncommon to find it difficult to celebrate. A great way to help someone grieving is by incorporating their loved one into the holiday. Christmas ornaments, decor, jewelry, or even decorating headstones can be a great way to help remind them their loved one won’t be forgotten. When my husband and I struggled to decorate that first year, my dad showed up on our doorstep a few days before Christmas with a tree and angel ornaments in hand. (Read more about it here) I bawled while decorating the tree and was grateful for his unwavering support. I could tell he was nervous, but I’m so grateful he decided to act. To this day, we still decorate our angel tree with the same ornaments he bought us and use it as a way to incorporate Preslee during the Holidays.
5. Lighten their load. The holidays can be a stressful time of year for many different reasons, but when grief gets mixed in, it becomes just plain hard. One way to help relieve the stress of those grieving is by lightening their load. Whether it be dropping off paper products to help with dishes, making/buying dinner, or shoveling their walk way, your act of kindness won’t go unnoticed.
   
   
   
6. Read. If you aren’t familiar with the grieving process, take a few minutes and look into it. One of the best ways to support someone is learning more about their situation. This will help you understand what they need and will hopefully help you be a little more sympathetic to their situation. My aunt sent some information on grief to my parents right before the Holidays and my mom later shared with me how grateful she was for it. Understanding the grieving process will go a long ways and might just give you a little glimpse of why they are reacting or feeling the way that they are.

I know we’re not alone in this, because so many of you have shared similar experiences. Was there something that someone specifically did that helped you during the Holidays that I missed? If so, let us know, below.

October 2017 Update

It’s been awhile since we’ve updated, so here goes!

Patrick – Started a new job this summer. Now knowing where we are going to be, we bought a home in North Salt Lake. He works for National MedsTrans, a division of United Health Care. He manages transportation benefits for health care plans and members. He’s been staying busy after work with all the projects Ashley has lined up for him working on the new house.

Ashley – Stays busy running the kids around. She’s almost finished painting the entire house, (including ceilings) hallelujah!  She can usually be found with Oaklee on her hip, and Pog at her heels while simultaneously helping with homework or playing with the boys. Moving out of the small rental has done wonders for her sanity.

Preslee – Continues to influence in many different ways. Ashley received the sweetest e-mail from an Atheist who had discovered her Instagram account. It’s been long enough now that Ashley is hearing back about Presentlee, and the hard work is paying off. Ashley has been busy designing new products that will be released within the next month that will hopefully help people in need.

Ledger – Loves 1st grade! He loves playing soccer at recess and loves playing with Oaklee when he gets home. He looks forward to mom reading him Harry Potter ever night before bed and thinks having his own room is the greatest.

Cannon – Has excelled with preschool! He’s become such a happy kid and become more willing to put himself out there with other kids. He’s been doing well in speech and mastered the initial “f” and “z” sounds and started working on “s” this week.

Cruiz – Is also attending speech and finally mastered his  initial “f” sound! Yay! He also loves preschool and wrote his name for the first time yesterday. He spends his afternoons building storm trooper ships with Legos and cuddles up with mom every night before bed

Oaklee –  It’s hard to believe Oaklee’s first year is coming to an end! The last few weeks, Oaklee went from being a easy laid back little thing to full a full on tornado! She empties the kitchen drawers in seconds and squeals with delight the entire time she’s doing it. She has no interest in walking and speed crawls everywhere she goes.

Pog – Seems to be getting a little ornery in her old age :) She’ll be turning 10 this December and for whatever reason hasn’t adjusted well to this move. She follows Ashley around wherever she goes, and scratches at the back door continuously. She’s in heaven though while Oaklee sits in her highchair and feeds Pog her entire meal.

Motherhood

Motherhood. It’s often a beautiful mess, isn’t it?

Having four kids has rocked my world. It’s the first time breastfeeding has went well (Yay!), but while I feed, (all day, every day) the boys destroy…everything in sight.

I’m not writing this looking for pity, but rather just documenting life. These are often my favorite posts to read back on when enough time has passed that I can actually laugh :)

 

Last week I hurried to get Ledger to school on time, I ushered four kids into the car along with Pog and miraculously made it right as the bell rang. We waved goodbye to Ledger and zoomed off to take Pog to the groomers to be shaved. (If you have a pug, shave it, you can thank me later )

I parked the car, and struggled getting the twins, Oaklee, and Pog out of the car. As we were just a few steps away from the pet shop, Pog yanked and broke ff her collar. She immediately took off running in the parking lot. (Sound familiar?) I hurried and shoved the twins inside the pet store, (There wasn’t anyone in sight) and put Oaklee’s carrier down by them and ran after Pog. About ten minutes later, and with the help of a complete stranger, and a man glaring at me from inside his truck because he didn’t dare drive in fear of running over Pog, I finally caught the dog and carried her into the pet store, where I found Cannon and Cruiz screaming.

In their gibberish twin talk they both were yelling, “The animals are loose! The animals are loose!” There was still no one else in sight, other than a cat walking towards them and a couple parrots squawking on top of their cages. They were terrified. I walked right past the boys and took Pog back to the groomer who chastised me for not having her on a leash. We left as quickly as we could after telling the groomer she could keep our dog.

Later that afternoon, as I was cutting one of the boys hair in the upstairs bathroom, I heard screaming and found two of the boys trying to hide under Oaklee’s crib, as I tried to interpret their words in between their screams, I realized they thought our house was flooding and we were all going to die… 

 

(This picture doesn’t do it justice, I really couldn’t believe how deep the water was.)

I dropped the clippers, and ran downstairs and found toilet water gushing out and filling the bathroom along with the next room over. I later learned they had dropped an entire roll of toilet paper in the water and tried to flush/stuff it down with the plunger. I waded through the water on the ground to turn off the pipes to the toilet, all while Cruiz screamed, “I’m scurrred! I’m scurred!” (This isn’t the first time, about a year ago, the twins stuffed a rag down the toilet and Ledger excitedly came to tell me the twins had made a splash pad in our house!)

I’m proud to say, I got the water cleaned up, (It took every towel we owned) finished the haircut, showered the boys, and said forget about dinner, mac and cheese will do, all before Pat came home.

This has been what life looks like starting about two weeks after bringing Oaklee home. These boys are testing every ounce of my being, but each day we somehow make it through the day, and Pat is literally my savior when he walks through the door. He usually has me laughing about my crazy day within minutes.

Motherhood…it’s messy and beautiful all at the same time. At the end of the day, I sure am lucky to experience it. I truly love it, the floods and all. Over the next few months everything in our home might be destroyed, but we have each other, and that’s all we really need.

Christmas 2015

Christmas was a dream this year! I’m not quite ready to jump back into the swing of things, how about you?

Patrick had to work Christmas Eve, and since we went home for Thanksgiving, we decided to stay in UT for Christmas. We were a little nervous, we’ve always split Christmas up between three sets of parents, and been incredibly busy, but it turned out our decision to stay was amazing! It was one of our most special Christmases.

Christmas Eve: Poor Ledger thought when he heard, “Tomorrow is Christmas Eve!” that it was actually Christmas. (We had to have a talk about what Eve meant). He was up at 5:30 bouncing off the walls begging to go downstairs. Pat had to be to work by 7:00 AM so we were all up pretty early. The boys ate Christmas Captain Crunch from our Christmas Elf for breakfast. (Our neighbors did the 12 days of Christmas to us, and signed each letter from the Christmas Elf. It made December so much fun) And because it was from the Christmas Elf, I heard excited squeals through all of breakfast. This age couldn’t be anymore fun!

One thing I did want to do was big Christmas Eve dinner. It helped with homesickness and was worth all the effort. I cooked most of the afternoon, letting the boys help when they could. I set up a Christmas craft for the boys and let them watch a Christmas movie. By the time Pat came home, I was just finishing up dinner. We had a “fancy” Christmas Eve dinner as Ledger called it and it was absolutely perfect.

We ate Ham, rolls, twice baked potatoes, green bean casserole (made from scratch). And I made sure to continue my favorite tradition from my childhood, my Grandma always made red punch. It was a huge hit with everyone other than Ledger who hates most red food… but our night was filled with everyone saying, “Cheers!”

After dinner Patrick read the scriptures telling the story of Christ’s birth and I let the boys use these little cute cutouts to tell the story (I found on Pinterest). The sweetest spirit filled our home, and I know without a doubt Preslee was close by, which made for the greatest Christmas gift I could ever be given.

We let the boys open one present that evening, (Christmas PJ’s) and by 7:00 PM Ledger was begging and pleading to go to bed so Santa would come. His brothers followed him up the stairs, so we went with it. They all slept in one room, and for the next half hour all we could hear was Ledger yelling and begging his brothers, “Go to bed or Santa won’t come!” It kept us laughing, and I had to go up and calm everyone down a couple of times. :)

Pat and I finished getting presents put together quite quickly and were in bed by 10:30 PM. Score!

Christmas Day: I woke up to Patrick saying, “It’s 6:00 A.M. and nobody is awake!” I mumbled go back to bed and rolled over and was out. By 7:00 A.M. Patrick had us all up. He might have been the most excited :)

We lined the boys up on the stairs from youngest to oldest and told Cruiz to go first. Ledger nearly burst into tears misunderstanding what was happening, and Cruiz ran away screaming into his room. Haha it was the strangest thing and we could not get him out of there. So we took Cannon down and let Ledger follow. Pat had to eventually go upstairs and pull Cruiz out of his room. But their excitement was magical.

Ledger immediately grabbed his shellraiser.
Cruiz kept screaming, “Blaze!”
And all Cannon cared about was his socks and his chocolate orange. He repeatedly kept yelling, “Candy! Candy!”

At this point I turned off the camera and tried to soak up every minute of their excitement. I hope to never forget their squealing, their hugs, and the happy spirit that filled our home. We stayed in our pj’s and watched the snow fall the entire day. That night Pat went out and shoveled the driveway, and the boys bundled up and rode their scooters and bike around and around in the garage.

Highlights: 

• Pat bought me a kitchen table that fits our entire family! We’ve been using a tiny little table for our entire marriage. It was soo fun to have a nice Christmas Eve dinner on it, I still am giddy every time we use it.
• It was the first Christmas I didn’t cry looking at Preslee’s stocking hung up by itself after the rest were taken down and filled.
• My ham was the bomb!
• We received about a foot of snow.

We’ve been truly blessed beyond measure this year and can’t wait to see what 2016 has in store!

Halloween 2015

We loved Halloween this year! This post is a little late, due to a two year old stealing and losing my SD card right out of the computer (Not sure which one) but luckily I found they had been uploaded to Dropbox!
I was so happy that I didn’t lose our pictures!

It was our first Halloween away from home, and though I was little homesick for family parties, we really did have an incredibly fun night. Our boys loved every second of it.

We were TMNT (surprise, surprise :) Ledger-Michelangelo, Cannon - Donatello, Cruiz - Raphael, Patrick - Leonardo, and I was April O’Neal.

We started the day off with painting/carving pumpkins. We cut it pretty close this year, but gratefully our boys had no idea!

Ledger, Cruiz

Cannon

Cruiz

Painting was a hit! I’ll for sure do this again, it kept our boys busy, and didn’t make Pat and I do all the work.

We invited our neighbors over for festive Halloween Dinner. The witches brew was a big hit with the kids.

 

Once we finished eating dinner, it was trick-or-treating time! Oh my goodness, it was so much fun this year! I wish I caught Cannon’s face on video when we went to the first door and a stranger handed him candy. Haha! It was literally too good to be true! He would leave his bucket up from the minute he stepped foot in front of the doorway, and until the person shut the door. Since he never moved it, I think people must have put more than one piece of candy in, because when we got home he had double what both of his brothers’ had.

            

The highlights of the night were:

• Visiting a house with a huge blow up dragon that growled and blew (fake) fire. The kids thought it was real. Underneath the dragon was treasure, and if the kids were brave enough, they could grab a coin.
• Hearing Cannon and Cruiz say, “Tank ew” “Candy!” “Pwease.” “Go!” over and over again.
• Ledger thinking people truly thought he was Michelangelo. And his ninja moves.
• Spending the night with friends and eating great food.

Our boys are at such a fun age and each year I’m so grateful we have kids to celebrate with.
Here’s to hoping we don’t forget anything.