Letter to Fellow Grieving Parents

My Dear Sweet Friend,

There are so many things I wish I could say to you at this time of year, I wish we were able to sit down together and discuss everything in our hearts. Most of all, I wish I could lean over and give you a great big hug and let you know you aren’t alone.

It’s officially the Christmas season. We somehow survived Thanksgiving, and now its onto Christmas. Everyone expects us to be Merry and Jolly, and whether you are celebrating your first Christmas without your angel or your 10th, I know you’ll most likely have that moment at least once this Holiday season.



Each year that moment strikes me at different times. This year, it came on Sunday. I was sitting in an hour long class at church, enjoying a Christmas lesson, when it came. You know, that moment when you are unexpectedly hit with emotions and it just becomes too overwhelming? When that familiar ache takes over and you have to physically remind yourself to breathe? Yes, it was that moment. I started bawling and couldn’t stop. There I sat surrounded by women, most of whom have no idea I have a daughter, and I felt very alone.  

As the tears continued to fall, I told myself to think of something else, and why my brain automatically focused on the fact that her Birthday is next week, I’m not sure. I literally rolled my eyes, because I knew the tears weren’t stopping anytime soon. I contemplated walking out, but due to the fact I was sitting towards the front and next to the wall, the thought of squeezing past people while sobbing… well, I thought that would bring more unwanted attention. So I burrowed down into my chair and cried as silently as I could, wiping the mascara from my cheeks wishing I had a tissue.



Ugh, its been five years, and during that moment on Sunday, it felt as intense as it was that very first year after Preslee died. Though these moments don’t come as frequent, they still come, and they still hurt. We both know most people don’t really want to hear about death and grief during such a joyous time of year, but I want to let you know you aren’t alone when that moment hits you. If I could, I would hand you an angel ornament and let you know you aren’t the only one thinking about your child. I’d mention your angel’s name and ask, “What is it that you miss the most about him/her?” And then we could talk about our children, not because we’re sad, but because our angels deserve to be talked about, just like any other child.


And more importantly, I would let you know that even though these moments leave you feeling extremely isolated, you aren’t alone. Each year, I have to remind myself the true reason we celebrate Christmas, it’s because our Savior was born – the person who made it possible to be reunited with our sweet angels. So even though those moments might be overwhelming, we really do have something special to celebrate.
Hang in there, we’ll make it through this, together.

Love,
Ashley

Flavoring on a Sno Cone?

After losing Preslee, I was asked in an e-mail, “If you would have known what was coming, would you have put flavoring on Preslee’s sno cones, rather than just plain ice?”

(No mean comments please, we are sitting in the parking lot, I promise I didn’t drive with her strapped in like that)

Though the question made me smile, it’s something I’ve thought about over the past few years. 

What would I have changed about my parenting?

Though I still ration sugar to our boys, because let’s face it, three boys hyped up on sugar is exhausting :) One thing I have changed about my parenting is when I get impulsive ideas, I usually go for it.

I’m sure many of you can relate, there are days I can’t wait to put the boys to bed, sometimes I begin watching the clock around 5:00 pm because I’m so desperate. And a few short hours later I’ll say to Pat,

“I miss them.” 

And he always responds the same way.

“Then go wake them up.”

(Cannon)

I can’t tell you how many moments I’ve grabbed Cannon or Cruiz and silently rocked and cuddled them in a blanket. I’ve often said due to their colic, it was extremely difficult to bond with them. This is one of the things that has helped me break down their walls the most.

 

Or waking up Ledger and laying with him in his bed and having the funniest conversations together. Last night, after giggling together in his bed, we snuck down for a treat at around midnight… I know not great, but it was one of my “Would you have given her flavoring on a sno cone?” kinds of moments.

Though the pain and grief has been excruciating, I’m grateful the trial of losing a child has changed my view on parenthood. I know it will lead to many less “I wish I would have's” when our kids are grown. 

And for that, I am thankful.

And just in case you’re wondering, the answer is yes.
What I wouldn’t do to sit down and watch her eat a little pink sno cone.

 

Love you, monkey.

The Ride

It was a warm Idaho morning. I dressed Preslee in her pink little swim suit, packed what we needed in my purse, and drove to Rexburg to meet two of my friends at the splash pad. We spent the afternoon watching our kids play in the water. Preslee, usually a fish, wouldn’t go near the water that day. She sat quietly on a park bench, repeatedly glancing at me, and then gazing off into the distance. It was as if she was deep in thought and every time I picked her up off the bench she cried. Eventually I decided to try and lighten her mood, so I grabbed her little hand and led her towards the carousel.

Preslee watched as I handed a dollar to the teenage girl in charge. We stepped onto the carousel and I could tell Preslee was intrigued, but still apprehensive. I went ahead and picked out a black and white horse, with a big pink bow on its side, the one I felt would be the best match for Preslee. Being a first time mom, I was excited and giddy, trying to coax a smile from my rather serious daughter. Eventually my excitement rubbed off and she too, became rather happy, flipping the reigns and signing horse over and over again…and then the carousel began to turn. Preslee immediately grabbed onto the horse for dear life, not sure why her mom had thrown her onto such a strange contraption. There she sat, going round and round, up and down, all the while a loud drum and unique music blared in her ears, making it difficult for her to hear me. She kept looking at me and scanning her surroundings, her facial expression read, “Why Mom? When will this stop?”

All the while, I sat to the right of her, cheering her on, reassuring her that everything was okay. Eventually her stone cold face turned into a smile, and she learned to embrace the breeze blowing her wispy blonde hair.

Today as I walked by a shelf in our home, a little pink image caught my eye.
As I stopped and stared at this framed picture, a connection was made.

Five years ago, I was forced onto my own carousel. When Preslee was found in the canal, my world began spinning. Up and down, round and round, and sometimes my grief, just like the loud music Preslee heard, takes over and makes it difficult for me to function or hear what I need to. In the beginning I was frightened, not sure what to expect. I grasped onto the reigns, begging for my circumstance—my worst nightmare, to come to an end—but it didn’t. And just when I felt all was lost, I looked ahead and spotted a loving Heavenly Father standing ahead of me with a smile on His face, cheering me on, coaxing me to let go, hoping someday I’ll understand the point of ride.

As I sit here and type this, I’m honestly in disbelief that today marks five years since our crazy ride began. Five years, 1,825 days, 43,764 hours, or 157 550 400 seconds without my daughter often seems like eternity. Though I’ve been consumed by intense heartache, pain, and tears, something changed this past year. I think part of it stems from keeping a daily gratitude journal, but I’m beginning to see the beauty of the ride. Though I will never stop missing her, I realize the growth that has taken place in both Pat and I. I’m beginning to see what a blessing it is to have an older sister in heaven for 3 little boys – who now have their own guardian angel. Sacred experiences have been life-changing, which has caused my testimony to grow in leaps and bounds.     

 Today I’m grateful that I’m the one who gets to be her mom, along with three crazy boys running around with strong little heartbeats.
Today Ledger was the one who wiped away my tear and said,
“Mom, I miss her too. So much.”

Sometimes the cost of a carousel ride which enables one to feel the breeze, is worth the ups and downs that comes along with it.
I just have to keep on reminding myself that on days like today.

We’re five years closer to seeing you again, sweetie.
We love you.

Ohana Oasis (Part 2)

Read Part 1 {Here}

May 5th
In the morning, we made a quick trip Tunnels to snorkel, it’s where Bethany Hamilton lost her arm to a shark bite…but it’s a must see while staying on the island!

 

Later that afternoon, we went Horseback riding on Bette Midler’s land. Billy Rae and I became fast friends, he would stand next to me and nuzzle right into my shoulder. It took me back to my childhood and I asked Pat for a horse. :) But the highlight of the experience was definitely watching Pat on a horse. I’m not sure why it was cracking me up, but it sure did.

May 6th
We loved Hanalei! (And a few others spots shown below) We stopped in Hanalei to eat lunch nearly every day. Bubbas, Puka Dogs, and JoJo’s were our favorites, (Let’s talk about their macadamia nut ice cream…amazing!) I thought it was incredibly sweet of the owners of Bubba’s called Heidi to see how the week was going, and asked if there was anything else they could do to help. I couldn’t believe the support we received from the people on the island. 

   

Ryan Fox, from Northshore Cooks, volunteered to cook our final dinner. Ryan is a French trained, 4 star chef, and I can’t even begin to describe the food! We were served a 5 course meal, which was divine. The courses just kept coming, and I didn’t want them to stop. Ryan created a fun atmosphere for dinner, and Heidi planned insightful questions for a great conversation. It was a perfect last group dinner. 

We gathered after dinner and Heidi gave us each a large autograph leaf and a nail. She told us to etch a message we would like to send to our child into the leaf, and in the morning the writing would turn brown and we would be able to read it. We spent the night reminiscing about our experience in Kauai, quite sad it was coming to an end.

Photo Credit: Nancy Williams - www.postcardmoments.com

May 7thIt was our last day in Kauai, and we flew out later that night on a red-eye. We woke up, ate breakfast and then were out the door by 9:30 with our autograph leaves in hand. We caravanned behind Heidi and pulled into a driveway and this is what we saw.

Heidi is a member of a paddling team and a few of her teammates volunteered to let us experience paddling in double hull outrigger canoe. Devin, who’s family owns the canoe’s, his dad was the one who decorated the canoes early that morning. Once again, I could not get over how generous the people are on the island of Kauai.

Heidi, Scott, Quinn, Kristi, Pat, Ashley, Matt, Cindy

Devin strategically placed each one of us in the canoe, demonstrated the correct way to paddle, and we were off. We paddled down a river that empties into the Hanalei Bay. Once we were out a ways, we came to a stop. Heidi told us to grab our leaves and release our message to our children. Her teammates/friends handed us beautiful Hawaiian flowers to throw in after the leaves. As soon as we did, Devin, who happens to be a member of one of the oldest families on the island, and speaks fluent Hawaiian, began singing an ancient Hawaiian burial song. It was unreal.

  (All pictures taken by: Nancy Williams - www.postcardmoments.com)

 

  
The Sea Turtle.
  

I can’t even begin to describe our experience or the feeling present through the computer to all of you. All I can say is this was one of the most spiritual experiences of my life. It seemed like everything came together perfectly. There we were sitting in the middle of the ocean, in one of the most beautiful places on earth, surrounded by our leaves and flowers, Devin was singing, and suddenly a sea turtle swam up to the middle of our canoe. It seemed as if our children sent the turtle…Immediately, the tears began to fall and I couldn’t get them to stop. I’d gain my composure and then look over at Kristi, and would start all over again. Neither of us could seem to stop :)
After the canoe trip, Heidi took us out to pizza and we were forced to say goodbye. She is incredible and both Pat and I feel so blessed to call her a friend. We had the rest of the day to explore the island, and met back up with the other couples around 9:30 at the airport. We were sad to say goodbye to the island.
May 8thWe flew through the night and landed in SLC late afternoon. We were anxious to get home to see our kids. We had arranged plenty of face time sessions and phone calls, but 8 days is a long time to leave your kids. Thanks again to my parents for watching them the entire time, Cannon and Cruiz learned how to climb out of their pack n plays while we were gone and this text from my dad gives you a little taste of what they went through :)

Everyone I’ve talked to about our trip tends to be curious about the other couples. I’ll admit we were nervous, but honestly, there couldn’t have been a better group! Each couple brought something unique to the table and we all learned from one another. We’ve actually heard from one another quite often, and I think we’ll be life-long friends.

   Heidi Low –  the founder of Ohana Oasis lost her five year old daughter, Alison, to a brain tumor ten years ago. You can read more about her story {here}.

  Matt and Cindy – are also fellow Idahoans, but live across the state from where we used to. They lost their 12 year old son, Anthony, just last June to cancer. Next week is their first year Angelversary. We’ll definitely be thinking of your sweet family next week! You can read more about their story {here}.

Quinn and Kristi – Are from Utah, and now we live just one exit away from one another :) We actually did quite a bit on the island together, and they were kind enough to bring us dinner the night we moved to UT. They lost their sweet four year old daughter, Lila, just over a year ago to a rare syndrome called vici syndrome. You can read about their story {here}.

It Was More Than Just A Vacation.

Patrick 

I’m pretty much an open book when it comes to grief. But Pat on the other hand, rarely talks about any of it. I can usually tell he’s upset, but have no idea how to help or what he needs. It can be hard on a marriage at times when you have no idea how to help your spouse.
So you can imagine how I shocked I was when Pat opened up for the first time after losing Preslee. He talked about his feelings, experiences, and emotions, and suddenly so many things made sense. I think due to the fact the accident happened at his family’s house, he not only avoids discussing it with his family, but me as well. I don’t think he wants me to be angry with any of them, which in the end, leaves him with nobody to talk to. At the end of the week, Pat not only acted different, but there was a noticeable difference in his appearance. I can’t thank Heidi enough, this retreat not only helped my husband, but our marriage. I never dreamed our trip would help as much as it did.

Ashley 

For me, it was a little different. Heidi kept asking throughout the week what we wanted to gain from our stay in Kauai. As a couple, I knew my goal was to strengthen our communication skills, but personally, I had no idea. It really bothered me that I couldn’t come up with an answer. But on the last day, sitting in the middle of the ocean, staring at my leaf floating away in the water, both Pat and I felt Preslee next to us. That’s why I couldn’t stop the tears…While Devin was singing, the thought entered my mind:
“You’re stressed! This trip has taught you how to relax and how to let the stress go… it really is okay to be happy again.”
I’ll admit it startled me. I wasn’t expecting such an emotional/tender experience. Until that moment I hadn’t even realized how stressed and uptight I’ve been since we’ve lost Preslee. I realized our week stay in Kauai had been the first time I had let my guard down in years. It was one of the first safe environments I had been in since losing Preslee.  I’ve come back home aware of my stress levels, and when I feel it rise, I work on getting it back down. I’m happier, I feel lighter and free, and it’s been an extremely long time since I’ve felt like this…nearly five years to be exact.
Thank you to everyone who made our stay in Kauai possible. We are grateful for every single person involved in making the retreat happen. It turned out a million times better than we dreamed it would, and strengthened my desire to help others.

Photo Credit: Nancy Williams - www.postcardmoments.com

DonationsOhana Oasis depends solely on fundraising in order to operate and I felt Heidi said it best.
“The death of a child is every parent’s worst nightmare. Ohana Oasis offers a week of healing while providing an environment for parents to connect with other parents who have lost a child.
Creating this resource is costly, so instead of relying on a handful of generous donors, what if 150,000 people were inspired to show their support for this cause by creating an Ohana of 150,000 donors strong willing to give just $10? Not only would Ohana Oasis be able to serve hundreds of parents, but they would feel the love and support of the larger Ohana (family).”
If you’d like to donate and bless other parents who are struggling to adjust to a new life, you can do so {here}.