The Sullengers

Showing posts with label The accident. Show all posts

Gone Too Soon

It was a warm summer evening and I was counting down the minutes until my husband and I could leave for our date. It had been ages since we had been able to get away on our own. My in-laws had agreed to watch our 18-month-old daughter, Preslee, while we attended a movie. As soon as we walked through the door, Preslee took off running to join her older cousins. As I said goodbye and attempted to sneak in a quick little hug before we left, she quickly ran past me and never looked back. I smiled as I watched her play and thought to myself, ‘It will only be a couple of hours.’

My husband quickly explained that an old acquaintance, who was now a policeman, had heard our names mentioned on his work radio and immediately called Patrick’s cell phone. He told us to rush to the hospital because someone was being airlifted there. We both instantly knew it could only be one person, our daughter Preslee.

The doctor quickly left the room and we sat there in disbelief. How did this happen? Shortly after, we were notified that Preslee had arrived. As I entered the hospital room, all I could see was a big group of doctors and nurses frantically working around a gurney. A sweet nurse noticed me and asked, ‘Are you mom?’ I nodded my head and replied, ‘yes.’ She gently grabbed me by the arm and pulled me through the group of people doing their best to save my daughter’s life and placed me right next to Preslee. At the first glance of her little face, I instantly began to cry. That’s when reality hit. She was so pale. There was no coloring left in her skin. The team of doctors worked frantically to warm her perfect little body that didn’t have a scratch on it. The nurses encouraged me to talk to her, so that’s what I did. Minutes later they detected a heartbeat.

It took years to collect all the little details of what actually happened that night, but I eventually did.

With 10 adults and five kids present, anyone would assume our daughter would have been safe. But after unexpected guests rang the doorbell, a bag of popcorn started on fire, and multiple little kids ran around outside, it seems like it only took seconds for Preslee to slip past everyone and into the canal. Her absence was quickly noticed. Shortly after, adults were checking closets, window wells, and every possible hiding place. Family members were searching the neighborhood and soon after, the neighbors joined in on the search. My brother-in-law who was quickly aware of the canal in the backyard that separated the yard from the golf course began to follow it downstream. He ran alongside it for a mile and a half when he came upon a farmer who was pulling Preslee out of the water. Our sweet little girl had bumped into this farmer’s leg while he was working on the head gate in the canal. He instantly pulled her out of the water and began CPR while his brother called 911. We’ll be forever grateful to these men because not far downstream, the canal empties into a larger river. We were told there’s a good chance her body would have never been found.

Though my husband and I weren’t there, I’ll spend my life sharing her story because I’ve learned it only takes seconds for a drowning to occur. Did you know that among unintentional injuries, drowning is the second leading cause of death for children under the age of five? I had no clue. Every summer hundreds of drownings happen in pools and open water across the country. It’s heartbreaking to learn about each situation. All it takes is a turn of the head, a glance at a phone, or your attention to be held elsewhere and it can be too late.

As summer approaches and the canals and pools begin to fill with water, please learn from our experience. The number one thing we’ve changed in our home concerning water safety is that we never assume somebody else is watching our child. If I need to run inside, I vocally tell my husband he’s now in charge of watching our children, even if I plan on being away for only a minute. Our goal isn’t to scare you away from the water, but rather empower you and your family through water safety.

If you’re interested in learning more about some precautions and good rules you and your family can abide by, below is a document I helped create with a group of moms who have all had a child drown. Our hope is to educate others because most children slip silently into the water. There usually isn’t a loud noise or any splashing. It really does only take a few seconds.

Click here to download the Water Safety Printable.

Primary Children’s Radiothon

For the past couple of years my dad (who owns 3 Wendy’s restaurants) has donated money to the annual Primary Children’s Radiothon in our area. This year, he invited me to take donations over the phone with him, while my mom watched the boys.

It didn’t take long for my dad to tell the lady in charge that I had experienced Primary’s for myself, and before I knew it, I was telling our story on four different radio stations. (I only cried during 3 of the interviews). We love Primary Children’s, and everyone who worked with us there. It was neat to go with my dad, for one hour, he matched any donation that came in. It was crazy to see 10 people answering ringing phones and see the increase of donations given after I shared my story on each station. There were also other families sharing their experiences at Primary’s. It was a neat experience, and talking to so many who had a connection to the hospital themselves. I asked to come back next year :)

You can watch one of the interviews {here}.The radio station recorded it.

Thank you to all who donated, and there is still time donate!
(Today is the last day) Call (208)529-1057.

Or visit https://primarychildrens.thankyou4caring.org/richbroadcasting/radiothon

What to Say (and Not Say) to Someone at a Viewing

A couple of weeks ago, a sweet elderly lady in our ward unexpectedly lost her husband. Patrick stayed home with the kids, and I attended the viewing. As I walked up to this sweet sister, without thinking, the first words out of my mouth were, “How are you doing?” Seriously? I wanted to kick myself. I was mortified. I seriously asked her, “How are you doing?” It just slipped out of my mouth before I realized I was saying it. Just following Preslee’s death, I dreaded running into people I knew, because it seemed like the first thing they always asked was, “How are you doing?” It felt wrong faking a smile, and saying, “Good,” when I really wanted to scream, “Horrible! My daughter died. I’m lost, depressed, and not functioning. I’m not doing well.” But I didn’t think that was appropriate answer while standing in the middle of the grocery store. So of course I was embarrassed when I heard myself ask the same question I tried avoiding for so long. When I got home, I discussed how the viewing went with Pat, which led to a conversation about what we appreciated and what we disliked hearing during Preslee’s viewing.

Note: This isn’t being written to hurt anyone’s feelings. We appreciated every single person who attended Preslee’s viewing. Before losing Preslee I had no idea what to say to someone at a viewing, and clearly, from my experience up above still don’t have it perfected. But this is a common question Pat and I both constantly receive, so I thought I’d share what we’ve learned.

What to Say (and Not Say) to Someone at a Viewing

Don’t be embarrassed if you cry.
It really is okay to cry. I was surprised when the entire night wasn’t a tear fest. Yes, I still cried, but I remember multiple people telling Pat and I that we looked different, we looked so strong. I remember thinking, “Really? My daughter just died.” But looking back, I strongly believe it was due to the prayers beings said in our behalf. We were being buoyed up. People were constantly apologizing for their tears, but we understood. Don’t feel embarrassed if you cry and they don’t.

Make sure you know the facts before speaking.
Sometimes it isn’t common knowledge about how the person passed away. If this is the case, please don’t assume anything. When some people spoke to us, it was clear they didn’t know anything other than Preslee had drowned, and assumed different things. It created awkward moments, and we didn’t want to embarrass them. If we kindly corrected them, it usually led to questions, which made it difficult to keep the line moving, and also leads to my next suggestion.

Don’t bombard the person with questions.It was difficult speaking with people who bombarded us with questions. Their questions usually referred to how Preslee had drowned, but at that time, Pat and I still didn’t know all the facts. Russell Friedman of The Grief Recovery Institute explains, “After that initial numbness wears off, the most common physiological reaction is a reduced ability to concentrate.” Therefore, being asked a lot of questions was not only difficult to respond to, it also just wasn’t the right time to be put on the spot.

Don’t be offended if they forget your name. I recently heard someone upset that their name was forgotten at a viewing. Please don’t take it personally. Pat and I were surprised how many people showed their support by attending the viewing. The night before the funeral, the line lasted for nearly four hours. By the end of the night, we weren’t thinking straight and were emotionally and physically drained. Sometimes a person’s name slipped from our minds.

Every situation is different.
Because every situation is different, it really is hard to know what to say. But one reoccurring comment we received throughout the viewing was, “You are way too young to have to experience this!” It was true, I was 22, Pat 25, and less than three years earlier the same people who were walking through Preslee’s viewing line, had attended our wedding reception. But after hearing this comment over and over again, by the end of the night we didn’t know how to respond, and surprisingly it started to bother us. I remember thinking, “What does it matter our age? It still happened didn’t it? Clearly I’m not too young to experience this.” In the end it made me a little more bitter because if everyone thought I was too young, why did it happen?

Don’t tell them you know how they feel.
I think it’s a natural human reaction to want to sympathize and relate to another person during a conversation. I remember a man telling us he understood what we were going through because he had lost his Grandma. That statement really bothered me, I remember thinking, “But losing a Grandma isn’t losing a child. Your grandma didn’t live with you, you didn’t give birth to her, I love my Grandma differently than my child. it just isn’t the same.” We’ve heard it all, people telling us they understand because they’ve lost a grandparent, cousin, neighbor, or their dog… and please just know that sending an LDS missionary out for two years isn’t the same as losing a child.

What We Appreciated:

Just attending the viewing shows that you care.
I remember becoming emotional when seeing family, close friends, people I hadn’t been extremely close to in high school, and I saw what it meant to Pat when people from his childhood ward came to show their support. It showed us we weren’t alone and we really had a huge support group rallying behind us. When in doubt about attending the viewing, go. Your presence won’t go unnoticed.

Compliments go a long way.
At the viewing, I was first in line. I stood in-between Preslee’s casket, and Patrick. When people complimented anything about Preslee, my heart swelled with pride. Though she had passed away, she was still my little girl, who I still fiercely loved. I appreciated compliments about her hair, her dress, how good she looked, or even her casket. Looking back it made our conversation positive rather than doom and gloom.

Those that acknowledged they didn’t know our pain.
Pat said the comment that meant the most to him was, “Though I don’t understand what you are feeling, please know we’re here for you.” After losing Preslee we learned it’s impossible to understand grief until you’ve experienced it for yourself. Their acknowledgment went a long way in our book.

What I tend to say:
Obviously each viewing is different, so my personal comments change, but in summary, I tend to say something similar to this. I usually begin with a compliment, such as letting them know how great the pictures turned out, how nice the casket is, or even how great the person who has passed away looks. Then I usually say something similar to, “I know there isn’t really anything that I can say to lessen your pain, we want you to know how much we’ve been thinking about you. You’ve been in our prayers. If there is anything you ever need, please don’t hesitate to ask. We’ve learned this trial is too difficult to take on by yourself. Just know we love you and think about you all the time.”

Have you experienced a viewing for yourself? What comments did you find most helpful or hurtful?

Enpowering Kids through Water Safety

I remember being notified Pat’s family had arrived. I left the hospital room in Idaho Falls, and made my way towards the waiting room. I had about a million questions, and wanted answers. I still didn’t know how my daughter ended up in the canal with 10 adults present, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t angry. I opened the door and came to an abrupt stop. There in front of me were my in-laws standing in a tight group. They were filthy, covered in mud and dirt. Some were wet, and their clothes seemed stiff and ragged. Bruises and scratches were noticeable. They looked exhausted, and from first glance I could tell they truly had been to hell and back. Right then and there, my heart softened.

When children drown it’s horrific. But when children drown in bodies of fresh water (lakes, rivers, canals, pond, etc.) the water isn’t clear and contained. Most times, family/friends have to literally search (wade, swim, feel) for the child in the water. Most times while searching, people aren’t even sure if they are in the water. If found, there’s a good chance they aren’t close to a hospital, which creates another challenge. Pat and I weren’t there, but family members were wading/swimming in the canal searching for her. I was told they split sections up so they wouldn’t miss anything. One brother-in-law ran a mile and half following the canal hoping to find her, until he came across Mike and Jeff Call performing CPR on Preslee. Pat’s stepmom once told me about searching in the canal, praying they would find Preslee on land somewhere, when she heard the life support helicopter, and saw it land in a field across town. Family members still have a tough time talking about it.
May is known as water safety month, and three other bloggers and myself hope to bring a little more awareness to this topic. Kate Jones, from Our Best Bites, created this incredible printable, sharing water safety tips that were compiled with a swim instructor.

Click here for the .pdf printable file.

Our hope is this printable will circulate and that we can get this into the hands of as many parents as possible as the summer months quickly approach. Hoping that it may even save a life.

There were 10 adults there that night with Preslee, and from what I’ve been told, it took a couple coincidences to turn a few heads, and seconds later Preslee was gone. People usually talk about water safety at pools, but I rarely hear people talk about water safety around open water. I’m here to remind you to be extremely cautious this summer, it really does only take a couple seconds. Out of all the tips listed above in the printable, I want to focus on one:

There should be a designated “child watcher” who is in charge of given child or children (Never more than three).

After losing Preslee, this is something Pat and I ALWAYS do now. We never assume someone else is watching our child. My in-laws still live in the same house, with the same canal in the backyard, and during the summer months it seems like everyone tends to gravitate outside. Pat and I always specify who is in charge of Ledger, and if one of us goes inside, we let the other know they need to watch Ledger. I’m not sure how we’ll handle three boys running around in the future, it gives me anxiety just thinking about it, but hopefully when the time comes we’ll be able to figure something out.

(Ledger 2012)

As bloggers, who have been affected by drowning, we hope to educate instead of frighten parents about water. It seems like some people expect our family to fear water for the rest of my life, and instill the same fear into my children. Instead, Patrick and I hope to teach our boys all that we can about water safety. We want them to understand the potential danger that surrounds water, which will hopefully teach them to be cautious, but we never want them to fear it.

If any of you are hoping to help your toddler feel more comfortable in the water, here is a video put together by the instructor who taught a mommy and me swim class Ledger and I attended. Simple activities are shown that will help toddlers learn to swim. The second part of the class will be added this summer after she films during the summer.

If you wish to read the other blogger’s stories with drowning, listed below are their blogs. Kate wrote a post about water safety last week, and Tiffany and Andrae will follow in the weeks to come.

Kate Jones (son Clark drowned in a pool, but luckily survived) Tiffany Hebb (son Ollie drowned in the washing machine) Andrae Kelly (son Miles drowned in a pool)

Good Timber + Free Printable

The room felt chilly, and looked different with the early morning sunlight streaming through the window. It now seemed bright, small, and bare. The cold dark floors were anything but inviting, and the constant beeping gave me anxiety. But I was only focused on one thing in that room, and it was my daughter, laying in a hospital bed.

The sweet nurse quietly but quickly pulled up a chair which allowed me to sit next to Preslee. As I held her hand, I replayed yesterdays events in my mind, still trying to make sense of how we ended up here. Twenty-two hours ago, Preslee and I were picking Patrick up because his car broke down on the highway. Nineteen hours before, the three of us were driving to Sam’s Club. Seventeen hours before, Preslee climbed out of her crib for the very first time. Fifteen hours before, Pat and I were walking out of the movie theatre when we received the devastating phone call which told us to rush to the hospital, where we would learn our daughter had drowned in a canal. From that point on, everything was a complete blur, filled with images of doctors, tears, family, prayers, sending Preslee off on the life flight plane, flying in a stranger’s private plane to SLC, UT, spending hours in the waiting room, and now finally being allowed to be with my daughter. As I sat and stared at my little girl, I knew whatever the outcome might be, life was going to be different.

Suddenly my thoughts were interrupted as my mom walked in, and took a seat on the other side of the hospital bed. I filled her in on Preslee’s status, and then broke down. With tears running down my face, I asked her,“Why us? Why Preslee? What did we do to deserve this? We’ve done everything that has been asked of us. What were we being punished for?”

(Preslee and my mom)

Three and a half years later, I’ve heard others ask the same question, “Why us?” as they too, experienced difficult trials. The more I study, and the more I watch good people struggle, the more I understand this phrase to be true-

(“Good Timber”, by Douglas Malloch)

It seems when people learn we lost our daughter, many of them tend to share the trials they’ve been forced to endure. Its been humbling and eye opening. I’ve listened and been amazed as they share how they drove their roots deep down into the earth, and they stood tall, and in the end, became stronger trees. I’ve learned that trials often make the most beautiful kind of people, they develop talents and qualities this world often tends to lack.

James E. Faust taught:

“The thorns that prick, that stick in the flesh, that hurt, often change lives which seem robbed of significance and hope. This change comes about through a refining process which often seems cruel and hard. In this way the soul can become like soft clay in the hands of the Master in building lives of faith, usefulness, beauty, and strength.”

That cruel, hard, pain which Elder Faust speaks about has been present in my life, especially thinking back to that cold hospital room, to the moment we realized we were going to have to say goodbye, when we watched our only child take her last breath, battling depression, and even now, during those moments my heart literally aches to have a five year old little girl helping me with her brothers, I too know this pain. But with time, I’ve learned how to answer the question I asked my mom three years ago,

“Why us?”

Because the Lord had plans, and saw something I didn’t. (And still does when I doubt) Like President Faust taught, my prideful self needed to be softened, reshaped, and be given the opportunity to become something stronger. I may only be a small tree, who withstood the first storm, but I’ve learned from others to thrust my own roots down deep, anchor them in soil.

And when my roots were anchored, I found:
Hope – which helped me put one foot in front of the other, and eventually brought happiness back into my life.

Love - grief taught me to love much more deeply, with that comes compassion.
Faith – in the gospel of Jesus Christ, that this life isn’t the end.

But the number one thing losing Preslee taught me, is I don’t have to withstand the storm alone. When grief becomes consuming and detrimental, and it feels like I can’t withstand the wind anymore, I’ve learned I don’t have to fight the high speed winds by myself, I can trust in my savior, Jesus Christ to be the one next to me, shielding the wind at my most desperate times.

I just have to be the one who seeks Him out.

Whether you are battling the biggest trial of your life, or it is yet to come, remember good timber does not grow with ease. When you want to scream, “Why me?” Remember, God knows your potential, and he’s pushing you to become something beautiful, and usually something to bless someone else’s life. I know I couldn’t have gotten through the past three and a half years without those who already survived their storms.

If I could give one piece of advice to someone who is struggling, or those who have yet to face significant trials in their own lives, it would be to dig deep, and anchor your roots in the gospel of Jesus Christ and His teachings. If I've learned one thing during this storm, it’s that you never know when the wind is going to blow, or how hard it will hit.

Free Printable created by: Miss Audrey Sue

LDS Ensign Article

I’m so excited to finally share this post!

About a year ago, I received a call from an unknown number. After I answered, the person on the other line asked if he was talking to “Preslee’s mom?” I immediately froze, being called “Preslee’s mom” isn’t something I hear very often, so it startled me. I was so shocked, I instantly started crying. The caller introduced himself as Elder Bradley Foster, and explained he was writing an article for the LDS Ensign, (The Ensign magazine of the LDS church contains first presidency messages, visiting teaching messages, and other spiritual articles.) I grew up reading the magazine my entire life. Elder Foster explained he was hoping to write his article about Preslee and our family. While fighting tears, I of course said yes. He said he would be in touch soon, and as I hung up, I sat and cried, thinking about how our little girl definitely is determined to share her message with the world!

I worked with Elder Foster, and a few people from the magazine until it was finished, and then we sat waiting for it to be published for months!

Elder Foster is a wonderful person. He was amazing to work with and always very thoughtful. As a thank you, he gave us tickets to last year’s April General Conference, where we were able to meet him! I posted about our trip {here}.

As Pat and I sat reading the article tonight, we discussed how a common fear for parents who lose children is that they will be forgotten. So, for more people to read about Preslee’s life and story is truly an honor. Another tender mercy really. We still desperately miss our daughter, but its been amazing to be taught so much by her over the past few years. We couldn’t be more proud. She has accomplished more than we could have ever hoped for in such a short time.

Thank you Elder Foster for sharing Preslee’s story. We’ll eternally be grateful. I simply cannot wait to pull this article out in the future, to help teach her three younger brothers who she truly is.

We love you Monkey!

Read the full article with pictures {here} pg. 64

Or the article {here}.

Death is Nothing at All

Pat recently decided to run for city council again, and we’re in the middle of elections right now. (Vote Sullenger Nov. 5th!)

A few weeks ago, each candidate turned in a biography to the local paper. Shortly after Pat turned his in, he received a phone call from one of the paper’s employees. Their conversation went a little like this:

The employee said, “I think you made a mistake in your bio, you stated you have four kids, but only mentioned three.”

Pat thought back over his article, and replied, “Are you sure? I’m pretty sure I mentioned four.”

Without hesitation, the employee responded, “Yes, you mentioned Preslee, and then Ledger, Cannon, and Cruiz.

Now Pat was really confused, he sat there in silence for a moment, when he suddenly understood. He kindly responded, “We’ve had four kids, and just because we lost our daughter, doesn’t mean we don’t continue to count her as a member of our family.”

The employee’s response was a little awkward, and Pat felt like the employee thought he was crazy for counting Preslee as a member of the family. Their conversation quickly came to an end.

Though this experience was mild, we, along with friends, have dealt with much more at times. We’ve come to realize many people feel the same way about death. In their eyes, it’s a taboo topic, and there’s never a reason to discuss it. They tend to act as if the person who died never existed, and feel very uncomfortable when reminded of them. Most often, it seems these people have had very little experience with death.

Our view couldn’t be more different. Yes, Preslee died, but Pat and I both know she continues to exist. Though she isn’t physically with us anymore, her spirit continues to live, and reside elsewhere. Therefore, everything about her wasn’t buried in that tiny pink and white casket we placed into the ground three short years ago.

We know her life meant something, and she influenced many, and she continues to do so with this blog. I carried and delivered her like any other child who’s lived in this world. She made us parents, and we were fortunate enough to spend 18 months with her. She taught us many irreplaceable lessons. We cannot, and will not pretend she never existed. Pat and I have never heard anyone who lost a parent state they never had a mom or a dad, but many people don’t understand why we continue to count our child.

Some of you might feel our beliefs are a little off, and that’s okay. But please don’t feel the need to constantly tell us. I’ve had people ask, “Do you really believe in life after death? How can you be so sure?” I’m going to be a little bold, and state, we don’t only believe it, we know it. Life after death is no longer a topic of faith, it’s now become knowledge – due to the many personal and sacred experiences we’ve been blessed with. Experiences which are far too sacred to share over the internet, but we testify those who pass away continue to live.

These experiences have changed us down to our very core. Because when you understand this world isn’t the end, it changes everything about you. It becomes life changing. That’s why in last weeks post, I explained how I desperately hope my boys will have experiences with their older sister, and they will be able to remember it. I strongly feel it will put them on a different path in life, just like it did their parents.

So I beg you, even if you don’t believe the way we do, please don’t make us feel awkward for remembering our child. Just because she’s out of sight, does not mean she doesn’t continue to exist. She has more involvement with our family than you probably realize.

(March 2009)

And because of those reasons, I’ll continue onward as a proud mom, who loves and remembers her daughter, just as much as her three boys. Because Preslee continues to influence me in ways her brothers never will.

Death is Nothing at All

Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.

Henry Scott Holland

Father’s Day 2013

Pat likes to stay in the background when it comes to the blog, he says it’s just not his thing, and that’s okay. Even though I secretly wish he’d write a few posts every now and then, but I understand. Sometimes I feel like the true husband and father I’m privileged to see each and every day is rarely portrayed to the rest of the world.

We recently learned someone did some pretty horrible things with our family name and pictures on the internet. While searching for the pictures that were stolen and used, I reread this post and felt it gives you a glimpse of who Pat really is. It’s a post that demonstrates his strength and love for his family, and something I’ll treasure forever.

Click here to read the post.

Happy Father’s Day to the many wonderful men in the world.

Alissa and Robbie Parker

Simply amazing.

Or view it here if isn't working.

My favorite part is when Alissa says, “It’s not my burden to bare.”

Forgiveness isn’t always easy, especially when it involves the death of your daughter. I didn’t always understand all the details leading up to Preslee’s death, and I’d be lying if I said I was never angry or confused. But it didn’t take long for my daughter to teach me, to help me move forward and understand the situation.

Even though our circumstances are very different, and Preslee's death was truly an accident, just like Alissa, I too had to learn it’s not my burden to bare.

You can visit the Parker's blog here.

New Adventures

Last week was a big week for Patrick and I in the parenting world.

Not only did we learn there are two little babies on the way, but Ledger officially passed his older sister in age.

After being parents for over 4 years, it’s our first time raising a 19 month old, which means new adventures are on the way. Those angry/bitter feelings I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks disappeared as I marveled at this little boy.

Oh what a blessing he is.