Pat recently decided to run for city council again, and we’re in the middle of elections right now. (Vote Sullenger Nov. 5th!)
A few weeks ago, each candidate turned in a biography to the local paper. Shortly after Pat turned his in, he received a phone call from one of the paper’s employees. Their conversation went a little like this:
The employee said, “I think you made a mistake in your bio, you stated you have four kids, but only mentioned three.”
Pat thought back over his article, and replied, “Are you sure? I’m pretty sure I mentioned four.”
Without hesitation, the employee responded, “Yes, you mentioned Preslee, and then Ledger, Cannon, and Cruiz.
Now Pat was really confused, he sat there in silence for a moment, when he suddenly understood. He kindly responded, “We’ve had four kids, and just because we lost our daughter, doesn’t mean we don’t continue to count her as a member of our family.”
The employee’s response was a little awkward, and Pat felt like the employee thought he was crazy for counting Preslee as a member of the family. Their conversation quickly came to an end.
Though this experience was mild, we, along with friends, have dealt with much more at times. We’ve come to realize many people feel the same way about death. In their eyes, it’s a taboo topic, and there’s never a reason to discuss it. They tend to act as if the person who died never existed, and feel very uncomfortable when reminded of them. Most often, it seems these people have had very little experience with death.
Our view couldn’t be more different. Yes, Preslee died, but Pat and I both know she continues to exist. Though she isn’t physically with us anymore, her spirit continues to live, and reside elsewhere. Therefore, everything about her wasn’t buried in that tiny pink and white casket we placed into the ground three short years ago.
We know her life meant something, and she influenced many, and she continues to do so with this blog. I carried and delivered her like any other child who’s lived in this world. She made us parents, and we were fortunate enough to spend 18 months with her. She taught us many irreplaceable lessons. We cannot, and will not pretend she never existed. Pat and I have never heard anyone who lost a parent state they never had a mom or a dad, but many people don’t understand why we continue to count our child.
Some of you might feel our beliefs are a little off, and that’s okay. But please don’t feel the need to constantly tell us. I’ve had people ask, “Do you really believe in life after death? How can you be so sure?” I’m going to be a little bold, and state, we don’t only believe it, we know it. Life after death is no longer a topic of faith, it’s now become knowledge – due to the many personal and sacred experiences we’ve been blessed with. Experiences which are far too sacred to share over the internet, but we testify those who pass away continue to live.
These experiences have changed us down to our very core. Because when you understand this world isn’t the end, it changes everything about you. It becomes life changing. That’s why in last weeks post, I explained how I desperately hope my boys will have experiences with their older sister, and they will be able to remember it. I strongly feel it will put them on a different path in life, just like it did their parents.
So I beg you, even if you don’t believe the way we do, please don’t make us feel awkward for remembering our child. Just because she’s out of sight, does not mean she doesn’t continue to exist. She has more involvement with our family than you probably realize.
(March 2009)
And because of those reasons, I’ll continue onward as a proud mom, who loves and remembers her daughter, just as much as her three boys. Because Preslee continues to influence me in ways her brothers never will.
Death is Nothing at All
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away to the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
That, we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effect.
Without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolute unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you.
For an interval.
Somewhere. Very near.
Just around the corner.
All is well.
Henry Scott Holland
You have such a wonderful way of saying things and I long for the knowledge of a life after we leave and cling to the idea of faith. I can't imagine losing a child but I did have my Mother pass away in my early 20's and know how awkward people get when they find out I'm so young and my Mother is gone. It has made a number of what should have been wonderful experiences once where I leave crying and in pain. I think it's beautiful how much you share about Preslee and how apart of your daily lives she is.
ReplyDeleteOne of my dearest friends has 7 children and says she is blessed to care for 6 of them in this life. She ordered address labels with all her family, including her son who would be 9 this year. When I talk about her kids, I talk about her having 7 because she HAS 7! That's such a "DUH!" moment for me.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your beautiful testimony in this post. Thank you for your blog. I love reading it. When my life gets crazy, I think of you with 2 month old twins and a preschooler and I send prayerful thoughts your way. I know I am not the only one.
Have a great Halloween day with ALL your 4 kids. <3 :)
Thank you for testifying so boldly. We share the same beliefs, and they bring so much peace to me when I think of the anxiety filled topic that death is for a lot of people. I have not had a child die, so I don't understand fully, but I do know the peace I have been blessed with when family members who I love have died. Thank you for allowing me to start my day off feeling the spirit so powerfully with this blog post.
ReplyDeletexoxoxo
ReplyDeleteLOVE this post. I am sooooo sorry some people can be so naive or rude or whatever they are. People should be sensitive to thos that have lost loved ones, regardless of age but some people forget and especially if they've never experienced it. My Dad died last year unexpectedly and I was 31. I know that is no where near your experience but people do tip toe to even ask about him and if I say something about my Dad I see a difference in their demeanor. So before him dying I could only read and empathize with your posts but now I see if for myself, in a very different but same way. You are completely right though. I also know there IS life after death and she is your child, always will be!!!! I cannot comprehend how others would think otherwise....even if they're beliefs weren't the same...she is a person. But regardless. I am glad you posted this. I don't have a blog and I read blogs but sometimes feel so bad for bloggers when people post negative things. I appreciate you having an open blog to teach us all and for us/public to remember what we have and be grateful. I will always appreciate the lessons you've taught and always have sadness knowing I found you through Preslee. I hope Pat does well. Your family is adorable! thank you again.
ReplyDeleteSarah
You could not be more right! My parents first daughter died at the age of 13 months, before the rest of us were born. My parents have 4 children. Three of us are living on earth presently. My sister is living in another realm, but she IS living. I WILL meet her someday, and share all that sisters share. She has been an influence in my life, even though we didn't spend time on earth together. My mother died 2 months ago, and is now living with her daughter. I had a mother on earth, and now I have a mother in "heaven". I had a sister on earth, and now I have a sister in "heaven". I will see them again, and we will be a family forever. It's so simple and logical. I am sad for people who can't grasp the beauty of the plan.
ReplyDeleteThe reporter was so off base. Even have almost 27 years, my husbands family still talks about his brother as part of the family. When people ask about how many siblings he has he says he has 1 brother and 1 sister. How anyone could expect a family to not "count" a child after they have passed on is beyond me. Very well written post.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this beautiful post. I feel like it gives those of us who haven't really dealt with someone who has passed away-a perspective from someone who has. It helps (at least me) know how to respond, what to do-or not to do, and gives me advice on how to reach out to others--and even prepare a little for what is to come. Thank you for sharing. <3
ReplyDeleteSuch a beautiful post Ashley & so true. You wouldn't say your didn't have parents or grandparents just because they passed on they are always with us I've seen it, felt it & actually heard it. Preslee will always be your little girl.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful, raw, and honest. I love it. Thank you for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThis is totally different, but I lost my Mom last year, and I know that she is still with me.
xoxo
Thank you. I strongly feel this way. I keep telling myself that "death doesn't matter" our relationship has most definitely not changed, and I am believing it more and more. We continually to talk to our daughter about her little brother, and are always reinforcing that she is the best big sister. To her this is life, and even though her brother isn't here, she knows that he exists, her faith is so simple, but yet so pure. Thank you for sharing this Ashley, I know so many people can make things awkward, but I've been trying to focus on the fact that I am a proud mother of two, no matter what others may think or say. I have been blessed with 2 children and only those ignorant would ever argue otherwise
ReplyDeleteThat was amazing.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely beautiful.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry people can be so insensitive. Of course Preslee still counts!!! She is the big sister, first born, and she continues to pave the way for all of you. She is to be celebrated all the days of your lives and it sounds to me like you are doing everything right for your boys, yourselves and everyone who comes in contact with you either through the blog or in person to help them understand your experience and honor your beliefs. Comparing it to losing a parent was the perfect analogy, no one says they don't have a mom or dad if they pass away! The same should be true for children or any loved one.
ReplyDeleteToday is my twins due date. They should be two. I can relate to post. Sometimes I mention them when asked about my kids. Typically I say, "I have one living child. "
ReplyDeletePerfectly said. Great post. loves
ReplyDeletelove reading your posts! Beautiful.
ReplyDeleteAbsolutely beautiful. There is little else as powerful as bearing a solemn witness of truth. I add my voice to yours: life does not end with death! And how wonderful a truth!
ReplyDeleteEven if I did not believe of a life after death, which I do, I don't know how someone would not count a child because of their passing from this earthly life onto the next. Like you said, you carried her and gave birth to her just like every child that enters into this world. I have not lost a child or close family member except elderly grandparents, but I too have had experiences that are too personal to share, but testify that this life is not the end. What a comfort to KNOW that those whom we love never leave us and never stop caring for us or staying by our side. I think that Pat handled that situation with the reporter so very well.
ReplyDeleteThis was so very beautifully written!!!
ReplyDeletexoxo Jocelyn @ pretty lucky mama
Love this post, Ashley. It absolutely shocks me that people have the nerve to even question your beliefs and actions. BUT, those are a select few. Remember, 99% of us are rooting for you and your family and think you guys are amazing. Thanks for posting! :)
ReplyDeleteAshley - thank you for this post. People just don't mention Max and think we will be upset by the mention of his name when, as you know, nothing could be further from the truth. Maybe one day you would be willing to share your sacred experiences with another bereaved mother who longs to know this truth. Until I know - I have tremendous faith that I will be with my sweet boy again. In fact, that is what keeps me going each and every day. xoxo
ReplyDeleteAll that can be said is AMEN!! We strive to teach our children from the beginning to speak up for what is right and for truth...we never said don't share the truth if it might make someone else uncomfortable. Thank you for sharing and helping us grow! Through growing pains we become stronger and more complete. Bless you and your sweet family!
ReplyDeleteYes, beautiful honest post. It is hard when we lose a loved one but a child....well, that is why there is no label for that. When a child has no parents, they are orphans. When we lose a spouse, like I did, I became a widow (I hate it!!). But with a child....there are no words. My mother joined the LDS church when she was 67 years old. Me and my 5 sisters were so fortunate to be sealed to our mother and my father (who had already passed away). My mom and I went to an LDS funeral where one of the speakers talked of the life hereafter and what death means. Being rather new to the church, she asked a very innocent question: Is there really life after death and do we see our loved ones again? It brings tears to my eyes because I lost her only 7 months after my husband. I told my beloved mother, yes, we will see our loved ones again. She said, good. You see, she was just a little girl and it was 1936. Her own mother died giving birth to her 12 baby. So my mom was excited and believed me when I said it was true. She said as soon as she got on the other side, she would find her mother. I can only imagine the amazing wonderful reunion she had with her mother, my dad, my step-dad, her brothers and sisters, and my sweet adorable husband. It's TRUE!! I've said this before on your blog....Preslee is still Preslee....she's watching over you, she is still prefect and sweet....and Yes, you will see her again and yes, she is part of your family forever. I believe it!! I know it!! I'm so thankful for it!!!
ReplyDeleteshe is and always will be counted as a member of your family. i cannot imagine it any other way! i love how you write and explain things so perfectly. preslee is so special and my heart aches when i think of your loss. i know you will be together again just as i will see my precious dad again...
ReplyDeleteSo true. I am the oldest of six children, five of whom are still on this earth. One of my brothers, Andy, died at the age of 3 from accidental drowning. That was in 1976. Yeah, it's been a lot of years, but we still think of him and talk about all the crazy, silly things he did (like sliding down the stair case head-first on his stomach). Like Preslee, he still exists and he is still a part of our family. I will always be his older sister. I wouldn't have it any other way.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. Thanks for your courage in writing it!
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. Thank you for your courage in writing it!
ReplyDeleteI needed this today. People look at me really weird when I saw that I too have twins. Just because only one of my sons made it home from the hospital does not disregard the fact that he has an identical twin brother that waits in heaven. Both boys are our children and our son feels very connected to his anchor in heaven.
ReplyDeleteI know I'm a stranger but I will ALWAYS remember your precious Preslee and I will never think of your family without thinking of her. I always read your posts and think of your boys as "Preslee's little brothers" who she is watching over from heaven each and every day. She will always be your daughter, your first born - no one can take that away. The boys will always think about their sister every day. My dad lost his three year old brother many, many years ago. I think of my uncle all the time. I cannot wait to meet him one day. Thinking about your and your family.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written!
ReplyDeleteWell said, Ashley. Thank you for your bold and beautiful testimony.
ReplyDeleteWOW!!! So beautifully written!!!!
ReplyDeleteNo one can ever really understand death until they truly experience it! Unfortunately we all have our experiences with it at different times in our lifes. I lost my Mom when I was 12; it took me a long time to understand and comes to terms with it. When my husband and I started our family I was so sad that my children would never know my mother. Through out the last year my 4 year old daughter has shared with me how much she loves her Grandma and that she misses her. Totally confirmation that our spirits live on and that my sweet little girl was able to confirm to me that my mother does indeed know my children!
ReplyDeleteI loved this post. Thanks for sharing. And amen!
ReplyDeleteWe ALWAYS count Nate! When someone asks us how many kids we have we ALWAYS say "6...five here and one in Heaven". Our kids do too!
ReplyDeleteHe will always count!!!! I hate that some don't count him (my own mom). Maybe someday people will understand.
HUgs,
Trisha
Thank you for sharing your beliefs and knowledge so boldly! Wonderful post and I love reading your blog and especially any post about Preslee!
ReplyDeleteWe lost our daughter at age 23 very unexpectedly. She touched so many lives in her brief time on earth, and now she is our angel girl in heaven. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her physical presence, but I know that she is with us every day. I will forever carry Whitney in my heart, and I want to thank you for your beautiful posting.
ReplyDeleteWe lost our 23 year old daughter unexpectedly three years ago. I know that her spirit is with us every day, and that our angel girl watches over us from heaven. Whitney will always be my daughter, even though she is no longer a physical presence here on Earth. Thank you for your beautiful posting.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post and hope Patrick gets elected the city council.
ReplyDeleteSimply beautiful. I am so glad you count her because she is and always will be yours. Weather here or in the other life they are still part of us. That is a no brainer! Some people are so insensitive and it amazes me how little tact they have, especially when it comes to death and losing a loved one. I'm so sorry you have to go through those experiences and encounters. I can't imagine the hurt and pain it brings. Thank you for sharing your sweet testimony and standing up for your beliefs and your beautiful daughter. My darling niece passed away almost 6 years ago when she was only 7 months. We always include her when someone asks how many children my sister in law has-10 all under the age of 12....I know she is amazing!
ReplyDeleteI LOVE this post! Our loved ones we've lost are still with us in every way, even if we can't "see" them. I love the poem, too.
ReplyDeleteWell written - my nephew Darryl went to heaven 24 years ago on November 11th due to an accident when he was 11 years old. He is still my nephew and very much a part of our family and we know that my sister has 2 children. We look forward t the day we will be reunited with him. My young grandchildren talk to him and they never knew him here but I know they still connect by some of the things they say. Blessings to you and those you love. Becky PS - good luck to Pat
ReplyDeleteI have 3 brothers. Fifteen years ago my older brother died from brain cancer. When people ask me how many siblings I have, I tell them I have 3 brothers. When that person (that was so insensitive to your husband) loses a family member, no matter what they believe, they'll understand how some of us feel.
ReplyDeleteOh, mama, I'm in tears. What a beautiful post!
ReplyDeleteGood luck to Patrick today!
I cannot imagine how anyone could be so insensitive. They must have never had children AND certainly have never lost a loved on. Of course Preslee is still yours and of course she should be remembered, cherished, and included. So sorry this happened to you and good on you for posting this. Hopefully others who may not understand will learn.
ReplyDeletePS Hope it goes well today!
I love this post. I love how you share your testimony in such a way that it makes it hard not to feel the spirit. Not only does Preslee continue to make an impression on others, i think a lot of people are grateful for your knowledge of the gospel, and that you don't have any fear of sharing it. :)
ReplyDeleteJust gonna say a BIG FAT AMEN!!! Love you. Stephanie
ReplyDeleteWe lost our son to SIDS 7 months ago. When people ask me how many kids we have I say "we have 3 But lost our youngest to sids" i have to mention sids because i used to say we lost ourbyoungest and people thought we lost him in a store or something. The biggest reaction i get is awkward silence they think because he was only 3 weeks old his life does not count, i feel life is messured in more than years. I hate making people feel bad but i am not going to act like he was never here just so people feel comfortable.
ReplyDeleteI recently discovered your blog and just wanted to tell you what a lovely family you are. Thank you for being brave enough to share your stories and testimonies. Thank you for having such faith and sharing it with the world. As a mother, I can't begin to imagine the heartache of losing a child, but thank you, THANK YOU, for walking through this trial of fire with such dignity and trust in God and helping others to understand or remember that we can all "DO HARD THINGS!" Thank you for sharing that beautiful poem--I have tears streaming down my face after reading it. It so perfectly captures how I, too, feel about death. I am so happy to know that your family has felt the very real presence of your precious daughter, watching over and loving you from the other side. May God continue to bless your family and help you feel His love and peace. Your little girl must be so, so proud.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter just introduced me to your blog. Death is something people have a wide variety of opinions on. I am the ninth of ten children, 7 boys 3 girls. All born in 14 years. When I was 10, my father died suddenly. When I was 15 my 3 oldest brothers were lost at sea in a boating accident. That was 40 years ago. 5 years ago another brother died of liver failure. I still have 2 parents and 9 siblings. I have learned in my life that people say things to distance themselves from tragedies. It is an effort to comfort themselves from the possibility that calamity could hit their family. I don't believe that it comes from a desire to inflict pain, just to attempt to convince themselves that it couldn't happen to them. I often have sacred experiences that let me know that those who are physically gone from here are with us often, if not always. Your precious daughter is never far from you. I grieve for your enormous loss, and salute your courage. My daughter read your letter to grief to me, and I loved your insight, grief lasts forever and is like a stealth bomber. You never really see it coming until it hits like an anvil. I send prayers for your beautiful family and wish you a lifetime of joy. Our families have learned a bitter, but powerful lesson. To cherish those we love every minute of every day, because we know that life can be cruel and you don't always get the opportunity to say I love you later. My husband , children, and now grandchildren have been told they are loved every time we speak. I encourage every person who reads this blog to ensure that if calamity ever strikes their family, their last words to loved ones were that they are loved.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your sweet comment, and sharing such sweet words. Its obvious you've experienced a great amount of grief. Lots of love to you.
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