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It seems like the topic of death is continually being brought up in my life. People tend to share stories of families they know who have lost someone. I’ve been surprised how often comments are made regarding any family who has left pictures or personal items up of their loved one after they passed away—their tone implying they think it just isn’t right, (I’m not meaning a shrine, just a picture or two). Over the past few years, I’ve learned many people feel after someone dies, they are gone, therefore, there’s no need to mention that person again, or keep anything related to them. The thought of anything tied to death seems to scare the people I’m talking to. And I should mention each person I’ve had this similar conversation with has never lost anyone close to them.

grief blog

As I’ve tried to relate to this way of thinking, I remember being invited to Sunday dinner at my FHE brother’s home while attending college at BYU-I. While waiting for dinner, I remember they had a wall decorated with a picture of each of their kids in their family room. I walked over to look at he pictures, as I glanced over each picture, my eyes rested on one of their teenage daughter. Something was different about it... I realized all the pictures were up to date, except for this one. Before I could think too much into it, my FHE brother quietly stated she had passed away years ago. Death was something I wasn’t used to back then, and I remember freezing, not really sure what I should say back to him. But the thing that caught me off guard was how nervous he looked as he waited for me to respond.

Fast forward just a few years later, and suddenly I’m placed in his shoes. Countless people have entered our home and when their eyes rest on a picture of Preslee, many act uncomfortable or even nervous. It used to make me feel uncomfortable, and many times made me feel like I was doing something wrong by keeping Preslee’s picture up in my own home. I now understand my FHE brother’s nervous response.

But the truth is, I have multiple pictures of our daughter displayed in our home. I also have little subtle reminders that strangers wouldn’t realize have any meaning. And if you think I’m crazy for doing so, here’s a little glimpse inside my head as to why I love each picture or reminder.

Picture 039

It’s been four years since I lost my daughter, and there hasn’t been one single day that she hasn’t crossed my mind. As time continues onward, I realize just like every other mother who continues to care or think about her child when they are out of sight, I do too. I think about Preslee, just as I do about my boys. Death didn’t strip away Preslee’s relation to me. She is still my daughter and I still love he fiercely. When grief consumed me, I honestly tried not to think about her at times, but I couldn’t do it. I found it’s innate, it’s part of being a mother, and as painful as it is at times, I now find it a blessing. Even though people might see our situation as our daughter is dead, we view our situation as our daughter is in a different place. Though we’re forced to be separated during the remainder of our lives, I know for a fact Preslee continues to exist—just somewhere else.

So it only seems natural to keep up a few reminders of our daughter, we didn’t disown her because of her death. And trust me, the separation is painful, horrific at times. I leave pictures up to remind me—remind me that it isn’t the end.

death

Preslee’s pictures mingled in with the rest of the family pictures reminds us that our family can be together forever, and teaches her brothers they have a sister.

grief blog

The shadow box in my room filled with Preslee’s sandals make me smile each time my eyes fall on it. I’m reminded of the chubby toddler feet I squeezed in there on a daily basis—that I am still her mother.

death of a child

The drawing of Preslee in Christ’s arms reminds Pat and myself that we don’t have to fear, that she is being taken care of. It also reminds us there are things we need to do in order to be reunited with her.

I know I’m not alone in this way of thinking. I remember a friend telling me that her brother died many years ago while in high school. She smiled when she shared that to this day, you can see smudged kiss marks on her brother picture. Her mom still walks by and from time to time gives it a kiss.

Even if you still don’t understand, and the topic of death still seems…well, scary. Please go easy on momma’s like me. While you get to enjoy thousands of moments with your children, we’re left with two things—memories and heartache.

death

And if a picture sparks a good memory, I’ll take that over heartache every day.

// Labels: friends, grief, honesty, Preslee
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14 comments:

  1. CharityOctober 27, 2014 at 12:50 PM

    One year for Christmas my SIL drew us all pictures of my grandpa, from pictures she had seen. (he passed away before she met my brother) I absolutely love them! my favorite is the one at my parents house, it's an up close of his face and shoulders and my Mom has it by our dining room table. the same table we shared so many meals with him. It's perfect because I can look up from my food and see him on the wall and it makes me feel like he is there with us.

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  2. Cade and KelsieOctober 27, 2014 at 12:54 PM

    I couldn't have said this better myself! Thank you for sharing!

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  3. UnknownOctober 27, 2014 at 1:10 PM

    Incredibly beautiful...thank you!

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  4. HillaryOctober 27, 2014 at 1:51 PM

    What a wonderful blog post! I struggle with this same issue. My daughter was born very preterm (and subsequently passed). As you can imagine she didn't look like what babies are "supposed to look like". The picture of her that I have a simply precious to me but offend almost everyone else. I've taken to keeping her photo in my bathroom closet so I can look at her whenever I want to but at the same time shielding her and myself from negative comments. I wish that birth and death (and their photographs) at any age could be more understood. xoxox

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  5. AllisonOctober 27, 2014 at 1:55 PM

    As we're nearing the end of my Grandmother's life, I've been struck by how much more important it's become to me to get pictures on the walls of her, especially the ones of her and my children. This post was a perfect reminder to me of where that yearning comes from, it's the Spirit of Elijah in all of us, isn't it? Yearning for the connection to our loved ones isn't some random occurrence, there is great comfort in surrounding ourselves with pictures of them. Though gone from our sight, they truly aren't far away from us.

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  6. farrah kayeOctober 27, 2014 at 4:47 PM

    You touched my heart:) Thanks Ashley! And thanks for sharing about my mother kissing the picture of my brother. A parents love is eternal.
    I testify that those who have gone on before us watch over and protect us.
    Beautiful post! xo

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  7. glendaOctober 27, 2014 at 4:55 PM

    Beautiful! My mom always kissed my dads pic good morning & good night from the day he passed until she passed 28 yrs later. That was normal to us. She never remarried. I have both my parents pic in my home office.

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  8. Trisha LarsonOctober 28, 2014 at 12:23 PM

    With 5 other kids, I am constantly meeting new people that ask about how many kids we have. I always say 5 here and 1 in Heaven. It's very matter of fact now. It's my reality. Most people get uncomfortable, offer a quick apology and change the subject. Also...my reality. It's just normal now. But I NEVER EVER exclude him. He is STILL our son and he STILL counts! I think that the more that we talk about our kids in Heaven the more that our society will learn how to handle it. It won't be that taboo thing anymore. I want to talk about my son just like everyone else wants to talk about their kids. But because mine lives in Heaven instead of here on Earth...it's considered uncomfortable. I think we should all be uncomfortable more often. Isn't that how we grow?

    And...we have 1 pic of Nate downstairs (and a special cabinet with all his stuff upstairs). When my kids have friends over, I notice that they always make sure that they show them their brothers picture and tell them about him. It's very sweet. I love that they still consider him part of the family too.

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  9. rcbe1October 28, 2014 at 5:24 PM

    I think you should absolutley have pictures and memories of Preslee in your home! She is and always will be a member of your family. I enjoy your great outlook on life. Sending love from Utah, Charlene

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  10. Linsey JacksonOctober 28, 2014 at 5:44 PM

    Some of my favorite posts of yours include pictures of Preslee. I love getting to know your angel girl through pictures. You can definitely see how full of life she was!

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  11. Simply ShannonOctober 28, 2014 at 8:11 PM

    Honoring any family member who has died is so personal. Whether one picture, a wall of them, or a shrine is kept in someone's home, it is the correct thing to do. (For that person, at that moment.) A young lady I know wore her grandfather's fedora for months following his death. It helped her remember him and gave her many opportunities to say his name when asked about the hat. You are making the right decisions for yourself! It's great that you are educating people about this topic. Thank you.

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  12. Karin WebbOctober 28, 2014 at 10:47 PM

    I have at least one picture of Whitney in every room in my house. Wherever I am I want to see her beautiful face. Her picture is the wallpaper on my phone and the screen saver on my computer. Extreme? I hope not! Those of us who have been there know how important it is to keep their memory alive in our homes. Please don't ever stop posting pictures or stories of Preslee. I will never tire of seeing her sweet face.

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  13. BeckyOctober 31, 2014 at 11:26 AM

    Always have pictures out as Preslee will always be your daughter. My nephew is forever 11 since 1987 and we have lots of pictures and even cousins who have been born since he passed and they all know about Darryl. It is the people who are uncomfortable when you tell them your child has died or if they already know about it they don't want to say anything because they are afraid it will make you cry & it might but that is ok. love your posts

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  14. Auntie EMNovember 3, 2014 at 8:54 AM

    You post is beautiful....I think it is interesting that when we lose someone, we find comfort and hope in seeing their pictures. For me, I don't need a picture of my darling husband to remember how wonderful he was. But the pictures remind me and my kids how precious life is and that he's still who he was on earth....just in a different place until we are reunited on that perfect day. Preslee matters, she counts, she is your girl, she is her brother's sister, she is yours and Pat's daughter today and forever. The pictures you have in your home will remind her brothers what a beautiful girl she was and is and they will know her when they see her someday. I love reading about Preslee and reading the words of a mama who loves her little girl so much. Say her name....say it outloud....don't let anyone try to stiffle her lovely name...she is more than just a memory. She is PRESLEE!!

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Hi, we're the Sullengers! Life turned upside down for us in 2010 when we lost our daughter in an accidental drowning. Since then, we've documented our highs (life with all five of our kids) and our lows (struggles with grief) but amongst everthing we've experienced, we know as long as we hold on to one another we can get through anything that comes our way. Read More. . .

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