Give Presentlee Bags

For Preslee’s 2nd Birthday, just a few months after she passed away, we put together the Pay It Forward Project where we assembled tote bags filled with items to give to parents who suddenly found themselves in the hospital without warning. (Read more about it here) It was incredible. We assembled 350 bags and items were sent to us from all over the world.




When a child is involved in an accident, many times the parents are rushed to the hospital alongside their child with the only possession they have being what they are wearing. If they are lucky, they arrive with their wallet or purse. When sent to a hospital like Primary Children’s Hospital where Preslee was, many parents don’t live close, in fact, many live out of state, so help isn’t always an option. We lived over three hours away and it was difficult not being able to go home to grab the things we needed.

Just last month when our family visited the cemetery, Ledger was filled with so many questions not only about the accident, but what it was like at the hospital. It got me thinking and I realized I really wanted to make some more bags for families, and have my boys help. I finally received approval from the hospital so we’re excited to rock n’ roll, but would love your help!

One of the main reasons we created Presentlee was to create a way to fund the Give Presentlee Foundation, which helps families affected by tragedy. This is where my heart truly is, and over the years I’ve wanted to be in a position to financially do more for others, and I’m hoping Presentlee will continue to grow and help fund our foundation. The Give Presentlee Foundation will be donating funds to compile these totes, (I am thrilled! Thank you to all who made this possible by purchasing from Presentlee!) but we would like to extend an invitation to anyone wishing to join our efforts! The more items we can purchase, the more parents we can help, especially those who find themselves in the hospital during the Holidays.

We hope by giving parents these totes, it allows them to stay next to their child and not have to worry about going to the store to buy basic things that they need. (Some don’t even have cars if they were air lifted with their child) Here’s a look of what will be going into each bag.

ITEMS THAT NEED TO BE PURCHASED

• Tote Bags
• Gold fish crackers
• Granola bars
• Trail mix
• Small Notebook or Journal
• Pens
• Ponytail holders
• Small Lotion
• Contact cases
• Contact Solution
• Toothbrushes
• Toothpaste
• Gum/mints
• Blankets
• Socks with grippers

We will be delivering bags on Preslee’s 9th Birthday, which is December 17th. I know it doesn’t leave much time, but if you are interested in donating to the cause, I’ve listed a few ways to help below.

GIVE PRESENTLEE BAGS

• You can donate directly to the Give Presentlee Foundation. All proceeds will stay within the foundation.

  

• Head over to our Amazon registry and purchase any of the items listed on it. They will be sent directly to our home. Each night I will update the amounts of what is needed as different things are purchased. I’m starting small and will add more options as we go.
• If you live locally, (SLC, UT area) we will happily meet up to take any donations you would like to give. Last time, many families shared what a wonderful experience it was being able to include their children, so if you would like to tangibly participate, we’ll happily accept your donations just e-mail me so we can set up a place to meet up.

As Presentlee’s tag line states, “We can spread hope together.” Thank you for your help and support!

Four

One week from today, this little girl should be turning 4.

Every Birthday, I try to imagine what she would be like today. What would her interests be? What would she ask for? How long would her hair would be? What would it be like to hear her talk? And then I force those those thoughts out of my mind, because I simply can't imagine her as a 4 year old.

One of the many lessons I've learned from losing Preslee is how powerful motherhood truly is.

Even though Preslee isn't physically with us anymore, I still think about her, worry about her, pray for her, hope she is happy and finding success in whatever she might be doing. I realize I'm still her mom, and all of the motherly feelings and emotions I have for Ledger, still exist for Preslee. None of those feelings were buried along with her, which surprised me at first. I was so scared I wouldn't feel like her mom anymore.

December 17th will always be her Birthday, and each year, I find that I still want to make it 'her' day. I want to give her something she really does want. After 3 years, it seems like I'm always led to the same thing...service.

For Preslee's 2nd Birthday we held the Pay It Forward Project, where hundreds of you got involved, and I loved it with all my heart. PCMC didn't have room to store the boxes of bags, so each time my parents drove to UT they filled their SUV with boxes and dropped them off at the front desk. Just last month, the last of the bags were delivered. As desperately as I wish we could repeat this, Pat and I just don't have the space to store the boxes, and a vehicle to transport them. My parents were amazing, and pretty much took over, but I don't want the task to be placed on anyone but us. (It's a big task) I'm hoping we will be able to repeat the project in the future.

Over the past two years, I've received e-mails, asking if we plan on repeating the Pay It Forward project again, expressing it was a wonderful opportunity to serve, and a great way to teach children the importance of service. After the question kept repeating itself, my mind began racing. If others are wanting to get involved, I'd be crazy to turn them down. After a lot of thought and prayer, I decided to take it in a little different direction.

Have you heard of RAK?

Random Acts of Kindness?

(If not, read about it here, minus the Christmas part)

I thought what else could be better?

Anyone can get involved, wherever they live, spend what they can afford, all the while making the world a better place.

I don't think there's much more Preslee would want for her Birthday.

So this is what our little family will be doing next Monday, along with a trip to the cemetery.

If you wish to get involved, click here to print the image below. If you have problems, feel free to e-mail me ashleysullenger(at)gmail(dot)com and I'll e-mail you the page.

I hope these kinds of things become traditions in our home, because I feel it's the perfect way to teach Ledger about his sister, and all that she accomplished in a short 18 months.

Eskimo Kisses

Changing my blog has been quite a process. I added another sidebar, so that means most of my pictures from the past are all too big. (Sorry to those looking at older posts) I've been changing every single post...I've added more labels, made the font bigger, etc. 

It's been a little overwhelming going back and reading posts. It's amazing to see how far I've come in less than two years. The main problems we faced back then, are not the main ones we face today.

If I could go back and give myself one piece of advice it would be to allow myself to be angry. I didn't understand that anger really is just another piece of the grieving process. I thought if I was angry, it meant I was failing. My anger kicked in after our first angelversary, and has come and gone. I've been angry about different things, and sometimes the littlest thing will set me off. Its been overwhelming to learn how to handle these emotions that often seem uncontrollable. I now know the anger won't last forever, and it often feels good to release the bottled up emotions that I've held in for so long. 

People prepped me for what the first two years brought. And they were right on. Some told me the second year is just as hard, or even harder than the first. And they were right. It's been hard for many different reasons, and Pat and I have struggled to always be on the same page. It's definitely put stress on our marriage, but we're doing better, and have learned from all of it.

To parents out there who understand, what does the third year entail? Nobody really speaks about it. I'm hoping that means it gets easier, but I'm not naive to think it all disappears.

To end on a happier note,  

I'm grateful for...

This blog, where I have been able to sort through many different emotions. It is a place that I can talk about Preslee all I want, and never feel criticized for it.

I'm grateful for all of you who donated to the Pay It Forward Project (those are the posts I just went back and fixed tonight) We are still delivering boxes. We couldn't have done it without you.

And I'm grateful for these two, and a little girl in heaven.They mean the world to me. 

Ledger has learned to give Eskimo kisses. He giggles the entire time.


I'm grateful all three of them are incredibly patient with me, I'm still learning and working hard. Nothing can prepare you for any of this. 

Not sure what to title this post

This week my mom and I drove to Utah. We took 5 large boxes filled with bags we made on Preslee's Birthday for the Pay It Forward Project. It was the first time I've returned to PCMC (Primary Children's Medical Center) since Preslee passed away. My parents have been amazing and have taken all the other loads down themselves. When we arrived, I chose not to go into the hospital. A lot of memories and emotions resurfaced. I'm still not quite sure what to think about it. Honestly, if I never had to go back in there I'd be an incredibly happy person, but who knows what lays ahead.

While my mom took the cart piled with boxes inside to the front desk, I sat in the car and watched the people coming and going. That hospital is sooo busy. I saw kids with physical disabilities, others I wasn't sure why they were visiting. I saw parents with the same familiar sick expression we wore on our face while we were there. I was happy for the parents who were able to walk out of that hospital with their children, even if they were still sick. I still remember the gruesome feeling in my stomach as we drove out of the parking lot without Preslee. All I could think about the next time I would see her would be in a funeral home. Ah, inside that hospital it is like a whole different world. My heart goes out to all those who are there right now.

I was also able to meet Kendra Webster for lunch, (my friend I wrote about two posts below) I was really excited to meet her. We text or e-mail quite often but we had never actually met in person. (Strange how many of you I only know because of the blog)We met at Kneaders and talked for about 3 1/2 hours, I couldn't believe how fast time flew by. We mostly talked about Preslee and Makenzie, and other things we don't usually share on our blogs. It was incredibly helpful to be able to talk to someone my age who really does understand what I'm experiencing. Kendra helped me realize I'm not losing it when I have crazy off the wall thoughts enter into my head. I actually had the thought while we were there, that if anyone heard what we were so casually talking about, it would sound strange. But it was just a 23 and a 24 year old talking about their lives. I left feeling much better than I had in a long time. I hope she's up to meeting again in the future :)

To be honest I've been struggling lately. In the past I told myself, "Just make it to July. By then you'll have a baby in your arms and you'll have made it through the first year. After that, you'll know you can make it through every single day from here on out. It will get so much easier." Well, it didn't. I think I was on a high from having Ledger and then I plummeted again. For the very first time since losing Preslee I feel bitter. I've been mad. And I haven't had a clue how to handle these feelings. Then at the same time I'm completely happy and feel so blessed to have Ledger. Have you ever rocked your baby and just cried tears of happiness and complete bitterness at the same time? I have, I've actually experienced it a lot lately. It's been difficult to handle such opposite emotions. Talking to Kendra helped me realize that it's okay. I don't have to feel guilty for feeling mad or bitter. It's part of the grieving process.

Today I did something I've been putting off. I went and talked to a counselor. It was only one visit, but he already helped me see some issues more clearly. He helped me see a pattern to my grief... guilt. I feel guilty about so many different things. He gave me some great analogies to help me better understand grief. I'm actually quite excited to keep seeing him. I think it will continue to be a positive experience for me.

Even though I've been feeling confused lately, I still try to count my blessings each night. This week I am grateful that my two nieces had a cousin to play with again. I am grateful parents sitting next to their child in a hospital bed will receive a Pay It Forward bag because of all of your donations. I'm grateful that I was able to meet Kendra. I'm grateful I have the knowledge I do of eternal families. And most of all, I'm grateful for a healthy husband and this little guy who is growing up too fast :)

Time

The struggles we face today are different than the ones we faced after the funeral. It was much easier back then. We were numb. The grieving process hadn't kicked in. Now, the physical heart wrenching pain of missing her is overwhelming. Six months or half of a year, is a long time to go without seeing anyone, let alone your only daughter. We're exhausted from crying. It's even more exhausting watching your spouse hurt. We miss being parents and hate the silence in our home. There are so many sounds I miss. The sound of both Preslee's and Pat's contagious laughs coming from our bedroom as they wrestled on our bed each morning is something I pray will never fade from my memory. I miss her noisy toys, the sound of her drinking from her sippy cup, and her jumping in her crib at night when she knew she should be asleep. Oh there is so much to miss.

I've learned new situations can be difficult. I started student teaching on Monday. I've been placed in a great school, with a great teacher, with 21 lively 1st graders. The best part is the school is only two blocks away from my house. I'm going to be able to learn so much and grow as a teacher. One week down, and only 12 more to go. But I've been surprised how many of the girls remind me of the memories I have of Preslee, or how difficult recess duty was. It took me completely off guard to walk on the playground I use to take Preslee to during the summer when the park was too crowded. That's when it seems to be the hardest, when you don't have time to prepare for those memories to hit you like a ton of bricks. But I've learned overtime, those hard moments will lessen at school, just like they did last semester.

But most of all I wanted to thank so many of you for your continual support. School became so hectic in November/December that I devoted every spare minute to school, my church calling, or the Pay it Forward Project. We received so many e-mails over the past few months I was desperately trying to keep up to speed with that as well, but became overwhelmed. I'm sorry. I know this is so impersonal, but please understand your letters and acts of kindness have meant the world to us. I've been shocked as those of you have shared your personal stories with the most perfect timing, and taught me what I needed to know. So many of your experiences and prayers have kept us going. Thank You. I know I say this a lot, but it's been life changing to see how wonderful people really are. I can't help but be so very grateful that we're put here on this earth surrounded by people to help us with our trials. To do this on our own would be impossible.

And yet as time continues onward, we can't help but feel grateful for this little bump that appeared this week. (16 weeks)

The nausea has lessened and the cravings for Jack in the Box tacos have diminished. (Yes the deep fried mushy tacos, I couldn't get enough of the salsa on them) I've craved tomato based foods the entire time. So if you have any good recipes please send them our way. I think Pat would appreciate something new :)

Pay it Forward

Pat and I pulled up to MMS at 2:00 PM. We checked in to the office, said hi to my 5th graders, and before we knew it we found ourselves in the middle of a group hug! ha Pat was a little overwhelmed with 32 fifth graders hugging him, but I know deep down he loved it as much as I did! :)

The kids (64 of them) Mrs. T and Mrs. L, Chel, and a lot of family worked so hard! The trailer was unloaded in less than an hour, the supplies was sorted on four rows of tables and the kids had enough time to grab a cookie on the way out! It was chaos, but I loved every minute of it! Thank you to the fifth graders, Mrs. Thomason, and Mrs. Lauritsen, we couldn't have done it without you!

Don't worry, they made sure to have a little fun :)

Some of us stayed and organized the rest of the items. It was an awesome sight to see all the donations set on the tables! Truly amazing.

At 7:00 PM about a hundred people showed up to help. It went SO FAST! I couldn't believe it! In 25 minutes we had assembled 350 bags, placed them in boxes and had them all taped up ready to be loaded in the trailer. I took a step back and saw, family, friends, and strangers all mingled together. It was a awesome sight to see. Thank you to everyone who was involved in any little way. We couldn't have done it without you.

My dad welcoming everyone.

Three of the the four lines.

All loaded into the trailer, we have so many boxes!

Looking back, I really thought we were stretching it to aim for 44 bags. :) The final result...350! Truly amazing. Thank you for being so willing to pitch in, these really are going to help so many parents stay by their child's bedside, which will hopefully bring a little peace to each child fighting for their life. I really don't think we could have given anything better for Preslee's Birthday. We feel so blessed to have been able to do such an amazing service project. Thank you again for your donations through mail, PayPal,and those dropped off at the Beckstrands in Rexburg. You are all the greatest!

Thank you Brittany at Too Sweet Cakes for this little surprise! It was perfect.

We Love You Monkey

I haven't really been able to sleep, I've been doing a lot of thinking. It's been a rough week, I've had finals, Pat's worked quite a bit. I've been more emotional than I thought I would. There's been a few times up on campus when I couldn't stop the tears... We love you monkey, and though we'll be spending your 2nd Birthday differently than I would have ever expected, I can't wait for tonight. I can't help but think of 300 parents receiving those bags in such a difficult time in their lives. I know how much they'll be appreciated.

My sis-in-law surprised us with this video, she updated it for tonight, but I thought I'd share the shorter version! (Click the link below) Thanks Alisha, it means the world to us!

Preslee Jo Sullenger

This Friday

Just a reminder, Pay it Forward is this Friday at 7 PM at Madison Middle School! The supplies are piling up and it's amazing!!!! Can't wait to see you there.