Easter

I can't help but write today. As holidays approach I always wonder how I'll feel and react. Yes, I've already cried today. Yes, it was hard to see everyone at Walmart yesterday busy buying candy and toys for their kid's Easter Baskets. It was hard to hear of the Easter egg hunts and see the girls in their Easter dresses today at church. But today I feel overwhelmed with gratitude. I'm grateful for the knowledge Pat and I have that Christ is our Savior and that He lived! Because of Him, Pat and I, along with Preslee and the little boy I'm carrying, will live again as a family. I think of that reunion often.

It's amazing to think back to last year, I was busy filling Preslee's basket with candy, toys, new sandals, and not quite understanding the impact or importance of the resurrection. Now I have such a strong appreciation for it. I know next year I'll get to refill that same Easter basket in the picture below for our little boy, but I realize our emphasis will be forever on the Savior and the resurrection. I think it will be a wonderful day to teach our little boy about his older sister and the Savior's role in the plan of salvation.

Pres finding her Easter Basket

Dad giving Pres cotton candy for the first time.

Though a year ago I would have never imagined today I'd be writing a post like this, or missing a little girl like this, I realize today is a day filled with hope.

Happy Easter.

30 Weeks

Thirty weeks sounds so much closer than anything with a 2 in front of it! I'm starting to feel really big. I pop straight out so I look huge, but when they measure me I'm always average. Looking back at pictures I'm not much bigger than my first pregnancy.

I'm beginning to hear comments like, "Oh wow, you must be counting days now, when are you due?" Pat gets a kick out of the shocked look on their face when I say I'm still counting months. (I now just say I'm due in June, rather than telling them the very end of June)

I'm carrying him a little lower than I carried Preslee. My hip bones are taking a beating rather than my ribs. So I can't complain. :)

He kicks less than Preslee did, but much harder.

This is the first week my favorite skinny jeans won't button up all the way. So I dug out my belly band.

I've passed 5 kidney stones. Hopefully with very few left to come. (I'm not getting my hopes up)

My cravings for tomato based foods have lessened, and now I can't seem to get enough ice cream. After fearing I'll gain too much weight (DQ's mini blizzards are the perfect size...and the only thing in our little town) I realized I'm craving the texture rather than the actual ice cream. So I've switched over to healthy smoothies.

Overall, we've been so very blessed and are counting down the days until he arrives.

It's planted

Remember this post here about our Christmas angel tree? Well, my dad planted it in his backyard and we can't wait to see it grow over the years. If you want, you can read my dad's very sweet post about it by clicking here.

Thanks again mom and dad for thinking of us. We love you.

Dear BYU-IDAHO,

It's been a long road. Five years to be exact. I can't help but smile when I think back to the girl who first stepped on campus - so very young and naive. Though I've complained, complained, and complained some more, today I realized you've been the consistent thing in my life for the past five years. I could always count on you to be the same. I knew the rules, what you expected of me, and looking back I realize I'm grateful for the consistency you brought.

You were there to watch me live with other girls for the very first time. At times you were there to watch the drama unfold, but more importantly you witnessed me make life long friends.

Nauvoo House


Colonial House

You watched me meet, date, and fall for Patrick and attempt to balance dating and schoolwork at the same time.



You were there when Pat and I decided we were ready to say "I DO."





You watched me live life as a newlywed, and become an absolute crazy person on birth control. :)



You watched me walk on campus pregnant and sick, but thrilled with the thought of the adventures that lay ahead of me with becoming a mom. You watched me pass 9 kidney stones, shed a lot of tears, and spend a night in the ER, all in one semester. Four days later giving birth to Preslee Jo.



You watched me juggle the responsibilities of being a wife, mother, and student. Though I was so very stressed, I lived some of my happiest moments during this phase of my life.





You watched me return for my last two semesters pregnant and with a heavy heart as I had just buried my only child. I hid in your bathroom stalls many times in hopes to hide my uncontrollable tears. I achieved more in these last two semesters than I ever thought possible with a lot of help from family, teachers, friends and a caring Heavenly Father.



So as I say goodbye, I want to thank you. I think its safe to say there may be a few aspects that I will miss, but for the most part I'm ready to move on! (Especially the crazy things like calling me into the Dean's office because I received a parking ticket and telling me I was a dishonest person...I honestly thought my parking pass expired after winter semester and not fall) My religion classes changed me as a person and gave me a strong foundation to stand upon. I grew as a person and even more as a teacher as I learned from some amazing professors.

I know many of you thought this day would never come, frankly, for a long time I wasn't sure it would either :) I love that I don't have anymore homework and am able to wear flip flops all year long! Thank you Patrick and Mom for listening to all my dramatic complaints and stories. You both always assured me I could do it. And guess what... I DID! I GRADUATED!

Love,
Ashley

28 weeks along. The gown hides a lot!
Walking across the stage to receive my diploma cover.
Melissa French, Me, Lindsey Bush

Dorsie and Terry
My brother Dustin and sister-in-law Alisha

Mom and Dad

Thank you to all who supported me on my big day, it really meant a lot that you would come cheer me on.

P.S. Many of you have asked whats next? Pat and I have decided that I'm not going to work next fall, I'm going to be lucky enough to stay home with a baby and get to be a mom again :)

Learning

I've been surprised how little I knew about grieving. I think grieving is something most people don't understand or want to study until they are forced to experience it for themselves. Therefore, many assumptions are made and society tells those grieving how to deal or cope with their loss. But what I've come to understand is society is often far off and those grieving tend to stay quiet. Why is this? Why are we so scared to say anything? I find myself doing the same thing-staying quiet. (Unless you are Patrick, my parents, or my friend Candee, you hear almost everything I'm thinking) It seems almost everyone I've talked to who has experienced a major loss feels the same way, but the rest of the world would never know it with how quiet most of us stay.

I'm embarrassed to admit this, but in the past I remember thinking to myself, "When are they going to move on? They have to get over it!" (One of the many misconceptions I once had) Now I realize I'll never just move on or get over it. I've learned it's a process. Its a process of learning how to cope with the many different situations I find myself in.

I'm learning how to hold tears back while in public. I'm learning how to not panic when it hits me that my daughter is gone and there is nothing I can do to bring her back. I'm learning how to react better to comments that hurt/offend me. I'm learning how to respond to moms who complain about their kids and don't understand how blessed they really are to have their children. I'm learning how to handle the pain. I'm learning what Pat needs from his wife to help him through his most difficult days.

But most of all I'm learning what my daughter sacrificed to teach me. I'm learning she has put me on a different path in life, and with the help of our Savior I have the potential to become a better person. I'm learning to seek out the truth, I've learned there are so many unknown and available principles ready to be found, we just have to put a little effort into finding them. I'm learning how much our Heavenly Father and Savior really do care for each of us. I'm learning prayers are most often answered through anyone who will listen and then act upon the promptings.

And this is what I've learned from another mom who also lost her child, she shared it from the Ensign-

"When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren't healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is a faith-perfecting experience."

Here it is again, it seems like everything I study continues to point to the same thing I learned from finding a binky in a closet in the binky post. Whether I like it or not it's time to grow. I think in the end I'll understand. Hopefully I'll be proud when I look back and see the growth. In the mean time I just have to remember that I can do hard things and be grateful for all that I have- an eternal family.

Philadelphia 2009

YAY!

I'm finished! Walking out of the elementary school for the last time on Friday was incredible! No more homework. I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do with all of my free time now, but I'm very excited about it.

I was sad to leave my first graders. It's crazy how fast you can attach to 20 six and seven year olds. I went out in style dressed as a Hawaiian, (Teachers dressed up in Hawaiian shirts and flip flops) The principal made some killer pulled pork for lunch, and at the end of the day, 40 first graders had a "Just Dance" Party. We hooked the Wii up to the smart board and danced! It was the cutest thing to watch. Some of those kids can move.





Last Thursday I picked up my cap and gown. I have a full week off until I walk at graduation on April 9th. I'm happy to leave the incredibly tight fitting dress pants in the closet and trade them for sweat pants. Hopefully now I'll have time to get to everything I've put off for awhile, like making dinner, spring cleaning, crafts, and a list of good books to read!