How to Support a Grieving Dad

Sometimes I feel guilty. I have received so much support over the years after losing Preslee, but sometimes it hurts because Patrick isn't always included. I have received so many gifts, and Patrick - only a few. People will talk to me about Preslee, and many times won't acknowledge Patrick in the same conversation. 

I've learned this isn't uncommon.

So we wanted to share what Pat found helpful to him in this short video.

Happy Father's Day to all the great men out there!

We want you to know we see you, love you, and think about you!

WE CAN DO HARD THINGS-(MICHELLE NEWMAN)

“A woman asked me, ‘Why do bad things happen to good people?’

Without hesitation the answer came to me,

‘So that great things happen to the world.’

Just about every good cause and every charity is rooted in some form of tragedy or trial.

I truly believe experiences can make you bitter or better. 

For many years my son’s death made me bitter. I was suicidal, depressed, anxious, angry and trauma had become my worst demon. I hated who grief made me, what James’ death did ‘to me’ and how I hated my existence and where my life was headed. I was a victim in every sense of the word.”

Michelle Newman’s sweet Baby James passed away on April 20th, 2006. In the 13 years of discovering what happiness truly means to her, she has found the most effective strategy in creating joy within oneself is to elicit happiness in someone else. She has found for the days of struggle, the best way to keep breathing is to assign purpose to the pain. When there is purpose behind your experience, your pain becomes meaningful. The loss of a child does not go away, but when pain is re-purposed it gives you a reason to keep living. When your pain makes the world a better place, it turns your loss into a blessing rather than a curse.

Twelve hours before sweet Baby James was in the accident that took his life, Michelle started my photography business. For many years photo shoots were the only thing she would get out of bed for. She lived off the joy of others as her broken heart healed. Michelle is now starting a non-profit, “Permission to Remember,” where families are given freedom to remember their angel, however, wherever and whenever they need. Her clients sponsor families who have lost a child, where they then photograph families at their child’s final resting place or wherever would be most symbolic or meaningful. They also hold quarterly creative healing retreats and provide a safe healing place for bereaved mothers.

Michelle is the epitome of “We Can Do Hard Things.” She explains that there are two main stages of grief: survival grief and transformational grief. Transformational grief is the day when someone chooses they are going to do something with their grief rather than allowing grief to do them. It is when they want to learn from their pain, suffering, experience. It is when they are ready to assign purpose and passion. Survival grief is when someone is simply getting through each day. It is when they are angry, bitter, in denial and depression and wading through the heavy waters of pain. We asked Michelle to tell us a little about what was helpful for her when she was in the survival stage of grief after losing her son.

What are some things that can be said to someone who has lost a child that may be helpful to them?

When you do not know what to say and you are afraid of saying the wrong thing, I will break it down for you into the most simple and basic sentence, “I am so sorry you have to go through this. If you need to talk or cry or yell or scream or remember or complain, I am here to listen.” And then you literally shut up and just listen.

Offer no words of comfort, do not try to relate even if you have lost a child. This is about them, not about you. The most comforting thing you can offer is your love and your listening ear, and maybe some back tickles and soup.

Are there any other things you would suggest avoiding saying?

There are things people say and do that are hurtful, not helpful. I have learned over the years, as someone grieving, I have to be quick to forgive. Most people do not intentionally hurt someone already hurting. It simply comes from ignorance not intention. 

There is a sweet spot of not saying too much and not saying too little. Silence is among the loudest offenses to one who is grieving. For someone grieving, silence comes across as a lack of concern, love, compassion and recognition. I believe most friends and family are silent because they do not know what to say and don’t want to make it worse.  Understand though, the message from a lack of words comes across as, “I don’t care what you are going through.”

On the flip side there are those who ramble their faces off comparing you to every person under the sun who ‘has it worse’. Let us please discontinue the comparison game in grief. Comparison is the thief of all comfort.

Are there any acts of service that you would suggest to give to someone who has lost a child? How can our readers “show up” for a loved one who is going through such a tragedy?

The most helpful thing anyone can do for someone grieving is to love unconditionally and withhold judgement. Grief and tragic loss are so wildly misunderstood. So few understand what it means to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those who stand in need of comfort. Grief is an isolating and lonely space. I believe everyone is doing the best they know, sadly grief is something the majority of people don’t understand.

Because child loss is such a huge loss it is easy for people to feel like there is nothing they can do to make it better. The reality is the outcome obviously can't be changed, but there are things you can do to help. The small things really add up to make a big difference. In times of serious tragedy it truly is the thought that counts. If it is too difficult to see someone in enormous amount of pain, drop them dinner or hire a maid to come and clean their home. Simple daily tasks are dragons to face when you are facing grief. The most important thing to remember is to serve without strings attached. Don't expect thank you's or recognition. I remember feeling guilty for not being able to respond to calls and emails but I always appreciated them. We designed our Good Grief Photo Shoot as something you can give when you don't know what else to do. Family portraits are a dragon after your child passes away. We give you the ability to connect with the angel during the special session so it's not just portraits, but a special connection to heaven.

Presentlee sends a huge thank you to Michelle for sharing her insights on how to help someone who has lost a child. For more information about her Non-Profit and how to sponsor a family visit her at www.pinkrosephotography.com and permissiontoremember.org or on Instagram at @pink_rose_photography and @permission_to_remember. If you need a safe place to grieve and remember and celebrate your loved one, Michelle invites you to join her Facebook group, Permission To Remember (https://www.facebook.com/groups/764165987290563/)

Gift ideas:

• Preslee Pendant

• Handprint or Footprint Necklace

• "Those We Love" Sign

• Cleaning Services

We Can Do Hard Things– (Angie Guymon)

Meet Angie. She’s married to her husband Neal and a mom to three kids - Her angel son Jayden, her angel daughter Maci, and her son Grayson, who was adopted from the most amazing and selfless birth mother.

Angie has experienced a great deal of heartache over the past decade. After two years of infertility, Angie was diagnosed with PCOS. She was finally able to get pregnant on clomid, but lost her son Jayden shortly after delivering him at 22 weeks. They continued to struggle with infertility and miscarriages and later decided to adopt their son Grayson. She then proceeded to use IVF to conceive, and miscarried the first round, and got pregnant with twins on her second round, but sadly lost them both due to a miscarriage. On her fourth transfer she got pregnant, but lost her sweet Maci shortly after delivering her at 21 weeks.

Artist: Lisa Bartholomew. 

Q:  How can others help someone going through infertility and loss?

“I think just being more aware of those around you who may be struggling with infertility and trying to not constantly talking about your pregnancies and children.  I don't mind hearing about it here and there but hour long conversations about it when I would literally have nothing to say or add to the conversation was very depressing.  I also recommend telling your close friends and family who are struggling with getting pregnant in private before announcing it to everyone else so they aren't caught off guard. It has been very helpful and I've appreciated when others have done that with me.”

Q. What were the most helpful acts of service you have received?

“We were able to save money by having other women donate their unused medicine for our second retrieval which saved us $3,000. If you are doing IVF ask your clinic if they know of anyone who might want to sell their medicine at a discount or donate it.

I have been blessed with many gifts from friends over the years but I’m so thankful when others have thought of my husband Neal.  He received a keychain with Jayden and Maci’s names on it and he treasures it. He grieves in a different way than me, but he still deserves to be thought of.

Simple texts, cards, and messages are always uplifting.

My friend sent me a bracelet set - one for me with a heart on it and one to bury with Maci with a key on it to remember her.

My favorite act of service was when my friends hosted a “friendship shower” after losing my son.  I was able to share my thoughts and story with them and they showered me with thoughtful gifts. It was the best gift I ever got - being able to just talk about my son and my experience and be able to celebrate his short life.”

Q.  Good intentions don’t always come across as helpful.  Has anyone’s actions ever hurt you?

”After our son passed away, we wanted the graveside to only be our closest immediate family members and we told our families our wishes.  We didn’t know they had been inviting extended family and friends. After having to tell them we just wanted it to be immediate family, some were hurt.  We were trying to deal with our own grief and it was hard to then deal with hurt feelings of others. We ended up having a luncheon after to appease everyone, but it’s not necessarily what we wanted.  I know it was all out of love for us and we appreciated it so much, but we needed to grieve the way we knew how and well meaning intentions aren’t always what is most helpful.”

Q. I know people mean well, but they don’t always say the most helpful things.  Is there anything people said to you that hurt? 

A lot of times with infertility, people think they have answers for you based on what worked for them.  I remember people telling me if I ate more red meat I wouldn’t miscarry. I would refrain from offering advice unless you phrase it like “I know this may not help, but have you thought of this….” 

When talking to others about my story, a lot of times they try to tell me a story of someone they’ve heard of to try and relate to my story. Sometimes I just want someone to listen.  You don’t have to relate to be a good friend.

Website: Angie has kept a detailed blog about her journey with infertility and loss. To learn more or to connect with Angie, visit her blog here.

Gift Ideas:

• Friendship Shower
• Keychain for spouse (here or here)
• Watercolor Portrait
• Bracelet Set (here and here)

How to help someone grieving during the holidays

The Holidays are quickly approaching, and though it’s a magical time for most, those who have experienced a recent loss tend to struggle. Family gatherings and celebrations are often a painful reminder of what is missing in their life. As I think back over the past seven years following my daughter’s death, I realize there were many people who made a conscious effort to help us get through the Holidays.  I wanted to compile different ways to help someone experiencing grief survive this time of year. 

1. Acknowledge the loss. It’s okay to acknowledge the loss. Often times people say, “I don’t want to make them sad,” but I can assure you they’ve already thought about their situation. Please realize that by saying, “I’m sorry,” at any time after someone has passed away is never inappropriate or too late.
   
   

2. Don’t be afraid to ask. We experienced Christmas just a few months after we lost our daughter. I realize it was difficult for family to know or understand the best way to help us, but I was so grateful when one side of the family asked how they could make it easier for us. I was thankful they asked, because though I loved my nephews and nieces, I didn’t want to watch them open presents. I just couldn’t. I felt guilty for feeling this way, but couldn't help it. When a family member asked how they could help, I was grateful to be given the opportunity to quietly share my feelings. After conversing, we decided that my husband and I would take off a little early on Christmas Eve before they opened presents. In contrast, when we visited the other side on Christmas day, I didn’t dare speak up and they carried on with tradition like usual. After watching the kids open presents, I went downstairs and cried. It made for a difficult day.
   
   
   

3. Think about all family members. I’ll be the first to admit that it’s a million times easier finding a grief related gift for women than it is men and boys, but one thing I’ve observed is that males need to know they have support too. Try to acknowledge everyone in the family, including children. One year I dropped off a gift for a neighbor who had recently lost his brother. His wife later told me that was the first time he had been given a gift, everyone else had only thought about his parents. Since then I’ve made a conscious effort to focus on more than just the female(s) in the family.  Here are a couple gift suggestions for men -here and here, and children - here.
   
   
   

4. Take Action. While grieving, it’s not uncommon to find it difficult to celebrate. A great way to help someone grieving is by incorporating their loved one into the holiday. Christmas ornaments, decor, jewelry, or even decorating headstones can be a great way to help remind them their loved one won’t be forgotten. When my husband and I struggled to decorate that first year, my dad showed up on our doorstep a few days before Christmas with a tree and angel ornaments in hand. (Read more about it here) I bawled while decorating the tree and was grateful for his unwavering support. I could tell he was nervous, but I’m so grateful he decided to act. To this day, we still decorate our angel tree with the same ornaments he bought us and use it as a way to incorporate Preslee during the Holidays.

5. Lighten their load. The holidays can be a stressful time of year for many different reasons, but when grief gets mixed in, it become just plain hard. One way to help relieve the stress of those grieving is by lightening their load. Whether it be dropping off paper products to help with dishes, making/buying dinner, or shoveling their walk way, your act of kindness won’t go unnoticed.
   
   
   

6. Read. If you aren’t familiar with the grieving process, take a few minutes and look into it. One of the best ways to support someone is learning more about their situation. This will help you understand what they need and will hopefully help you be a little more sympathetic to their situation. My aunt sent some information on grief to my parents right before the Holidays and my mom later shared with me how grateful she was for it. Understanding the grieving process will go a long ways and might just give you a little glimpse of why they are reacting or feeling the way that they are.

I know we’re not alone in this, because so many of you have shared similar experiences. Was there something that someone specifically did that helped you during the Holidays that I missed? If so, let us know, below.

Oaklee’s Blessing

On February 5th we blessed Oaklee Grace. It was such a special day celebrating our little girl.

I decided to use the same blessing dress that my Grandma Wightman made for my blessing, (29 years ago) and the same dress we blessed Preslee in, (Eight years ago, you can see it here). Using the same dress for both of our girls made for a sweet experience.

Though I love the similarities between both of our girls, I wanted to make the day her own, so I ordered a different bow, and some cute accessories, to change it up a little bit. The blanket below was knitted by my Grandma Siddoway, and has been used for all of my kids on their blessing days.

We blessed Oaklee in Sacrament meeting, and her dad, Grandpa Sullenger, Grandpa Siddoway, Uncle Jamie, Uncle Dustin, Uncle Rhett, and Bishop Gunnerson stood in the circle.The twins were a little loud during the blessing, they were confused why everyone had walked up to the front, and were jabbering on about it. But I tried my best to quiet them down and listen to what Pat was saying. It was a little bit of a struggle to hear, but I did notice the words joy and happiness were repeated throughout the blessing, which I thought was fitting because that is exactly what she has brought to our family. After the meeting, both my dad and father-in-law mentioned that Oaklee thought Pat was talking right to her, so she stared and grinned at Pat through the entire time.

We came back to our place and had small brunch that consisted of yogurt parfaits, sausage, donut holes, muffins, fruit, and juice. It’s always fun to have both sides of our families together.

I’m so grateful for the gospel, a loving husband who has the priesthood, and for a supportive family who all drove over three hours to celebrate our sweet Oaklee. Once again, each stage is bittersweet when it’s your last, and I’m holding on to every moment with her.

A big thanks to my SIL, Alisha for taking the pictures below. It’s fun to be in the pictures every once in awhile.

We love you Oaklee.

North Pole Express

Oh my goodness, December was a crazy month. We had some riled up hyper boys! A few months ago, I booked tickets on the Heber City, North Pole Express. It’s a train that takes people to the North Pole. I bought tickets for December 21st, Ledger’s last day of school before break began, and we kept it a secret from the boys.The night before, I gave the kids our annual Christmas book, this year it was, The Polar Express. We read it, and traced the kids hands in the front cover and wrote their ages, (This is a fun tradition if you are looking for one). It was a hit with the boys.

The next night, we put the boys in pj’s and told them to jump in the car because we had a surprise for them. Ledger kept trying to guess where we were headed the entire drive, and when we finally arrived, and explained what we were about to do, the boys were ecstatic! Celebrating holidays with kids is literally one of the best things in life.

We climbed on board the train, where there were elves and a hot cocoa chef waiting for us. We sang songs and answered riddles with everyone on the train car. We were served hot cocoa and cookies from Mrs. Clause. When the train pulled up to the North Pole, and the boys saw Santa waving at them, they literally started screaming! Oh, it was magical! Santa came on board and gave everyone a bell, (Just like the book) and the boys were star struck.

 

It was the perfect way to kickoff Christmas break! The boys are still talking about.

6th Angelversary

After we lost Preslee, I was surprised at how much she  consumed my mind. I would try so hard to focus on something else, but even if I would succeed, it seemed like minutes later something would trigger a thought back to her, and the sick feeling in my stomach would come rushing back. Though others told me it was normal, it was extremely overwhelming.

I remember thinking I had reached my breaking point, and I asked Patrick’s step brother, who had lost his dad years before, when those thoughts quit consuming him. He thought it over for about a minute and then replied, “About six years. I’d say it took about six years before I was able to wake up in the morning and my thoughts weren’t immediately focused on my dad.”

I remember thinking, “Six years? I’ve only been married for three. I haven’t even been out of high school for five!” Six years seemed unreachable at that point.

Today marks six years since I held my little girl in my arms and felt her take her last breath. As I was reflecting back over our journey, I realized Pat’s step brother was right. I’m not sure when it happened, but sometime over this past year, Preslee is no longer the first thing my mind turns to each morning. And I’m grateful I don't feel any guilt over it.

This past year was one of the most healing. I’m not sure if it has to do with our trip to Kauaii, the fact that we moved out of state, or it's simply due to enough time has passed, but I feel like Pat and I have taken some big steps forward. For any of you who find yourself on this same journey, I hope this gives you a little bit of hope.

Thinking back to when we realized Preslee wasn’t going to make it, I honestly didn’t know how I was going to walk out of the hospital empty handed. Reverting back to being childless was one of the most painful moments of my life. As I look back on those memories, I realize this blog has been an incredible source of strength for us. Thank you for taking the time to check in our little family, and for those who take the time to leave words of encouragement. They haven't gone unnoticed.

A sweet reader sent me the quote above, and for the past six years I’ve clung to it. There have been many dark days, even one this past week, but I’m grateful I’ve had these words to lean on, and I'm even more grateful that I'm beginning to see glimpses of this quote come true. With Pat, 3.5 kids by my side, and an angel watching over us from heaven, life has turned out so much better than I imagined it would.

Though heavy emotions always come flooding back, today there's gratitude mixed in with sorrow. I'm grateful we don't have to experience dark moments forever, and for a loving savior who took on the pain that he did, so healing and happiness can take place in all of our lives. I'm thankful that even though six years seemed out of reach, that we've been able to make it this far. Which gives me hope that we can make it until the end.

Here’s to being six years closer to holding you sweet girl.

Love you Monkey.

 

Miss Audrey Sue has done it again.
This is by far my favorite printable she has created.
Use the box below to download the free printable.
I hope you enjoy as much as I do :)

We Can Do Hard Things: Josh Terry–Death of a Child

Meet Josh and his beautiful daughter, Kycie.

The last day Josh and and his wife, Jamie, spoke to their daughter, Kycie, was January 30th, 2015. On that day, Kycie was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and was in a severe state called Diabetic Ketoacidosis (DKA). Kycie was Life Flighted from Dixie Regional Hospital in St. George, Utah to Primary Children's Hospital, in SLC, Utah. Fifteen minutes before arriving to Primary Children's, Kycie suffered consecutive seizures due to her high blood sugars and resulted in a severe traumatic brain injury. The Terry family was told to prepare for the worst, as Kycie's injuries were significant and her chance of survival was low. However, Kycie beat the odds and was able to be moved to the neuro and trauma unit for rehab. Kycie would not respond to commands at first, but with time, she relearned how to move her arms, touch her nose and roll over. Kycie spent a total of 111 consecutive days in the hospital before being released to come home. She was home only 6 weeks before catching a respiratory illness, which led Kycie to pass away on July 11th, 2015.

Q: What words have you found helpful and encouraging after the loss of your sweet daughter? 
A: "We have received so much support from all over the world. However, there are two things that people have said over and over that have helped me and my wife cope."  

1. "We have received more stories than we can count, about parents who recognized the signs and symptoms of type 1 diabetes from Kycie's story and were able to get their child treated before they developed DKA. Understanding just how deadly a late diagnosis of T1D can be, words like "You saved my little girl/boy" or "If it wasn't for Kycie, we may have been in the same situation," mean the world to our family."
2. "The other thing that has brought a lot of comfort and peace are the stories shared about spiritual growth. People with no connection to T1D, but those who felt our Heavenly Father's love after watching one of his small children suffer. I loved to hear parents tell me about their children praying. Not just praying, but they would remind their parents to pray. It helped to hear people bare their testimony of love and how they were able to find peace to their own trials by following Kycie's story."

Q: Were there any acts of service performed that made an impact on you and your family?

A: "We were so blessed through this whole ordeal and continue to be so. We received  so many gifts and fundraisers that it's difficult to mention them all. One thing that meant the world to my wife, was an act of kindness toward our boys. Jamie was in the hospital with Kycie almost every single day for 4 months straight. She would only come home for 1 1/2 days, every other week. She felt guilty for leaving our five boys at home with Jamie’s mom or my mom. Kycie's story started to get a lot of attention from news outlets, school fundraisers, local news paper, etc. With both of us gone so much and Kycie getting a lot of attention, we were worried the boys would feel neglected and possibly even develop some resentment towards Kycie. We felt helpless in caring for the boys. Every single night, for 111 straight nights, someone named "The Mystery Chicks" left something on our door step for the boys. You can imagine that they had to get creative after 111 nights in a row on what they brought. I kept thinking that eventually they would stop bringing stuff, because that is a huge commitment to plan and find something to bring and then drop something off every single night. The boys were so excited. The older boys secretly hoped it was older girls and the younger boys beamed with excitement each time they found something with their name on it. I felt it turned the spotlight on them for just a short time. Strangers were sending gifts to Kycie every day. And there was a family of girls that brought our boys a personal gift every single day for 111 days!"

Website: http://www.kissesforkycie.com

Gift Ideas:

• Think about the children who are left at home. Often times, helping the couple's children can be the most meaningful. Though 111 nights is absolutely amazing, even dropping off something off for the children once will make an impact on the family.
• It might not seem like much, but share with the family how much their story and example have influenced you. I promise, it will mean more than you know.

  
  
  
  

Wondering what this post is all about? Click {here} to learn more about our We Can Do Hard Things series.