After we lost Preslee, I was surprised at how much she consumed my mind. I would try so hard to focus on something else, but even if I would succeed, it seemed like minutes later something would trigger a thought back to her, and the sick feeling in my stomach would come rushing back. Though others told me it was normal, it was extremely overwhelming.
I remember thinking I had reached my breaking point, and I asked Patrick’s step brother, who had lost his dad years before, when those thoughts quit consuming him. He thought it over for about a minute and then replied, “About six years. I’d say it took about six years before I was able to wake up in the morning and my thoughts weren’t immediately focused on my dad.”
I remember thinking, “Six years? I’ve only been married for three. I haven’t even been out of high school for five!” Six years seemed unreachable at that point.
Today marks six years since I held my little girl in my arms and felt her take her last breath. As I was reflecting back over our journey, I realized Pat’s step brother was right. I’m not sure when it happened, but sometime over this past year, Preslee is no longer the first thing my mind turns to each morning. And I’m grateful I don't feel any guilt over it.
This past year was one of the most healing. I’m not sure if it has to do with our trip to Kauaii, the fact that we moved out of state, or it's simply due to enough time has passed, but I feel like Pat and I have taken some big steps forward. For any of you who find yourself on this same journey, I hope this gives you a little bit of hope.
Thinking back to when we realized Preslee wasn’t going to make it, I honestly didn’t know how I was going to walk out of the hospital empty handed. Reverting back to being childless was one of the most painful moments of my life. As I look back on those memories, I realize this blog has been an incredible source of strength for us. Thank you for taking the time to check in our little family, and for those who take the time to leave words of encouragement. They haven't gone unnoticed.
A sweet reader sent me the quote above, and for the past six years I’ve clung to it. There have been many dark days, even one this past week, but I’m grateful I’ve had these words to lean on, and I'm even more grateful that I'm beginning to see glimpses of this quote come true. With Pat, 3.5 kids by my side, and an angel watching over us from heaven, life has turned out so much better than I imagined it would.
Though heavy emotions always come flooding back, today there's gratitude mixed in with sorrow. I'm grateful we don't have to experience dark moments forever, and for a loving savior who took on the pain that he did, so healing and happiness can take place in all of our lives. I'm thankful that even though six years seemed out of reach, that we've been able to make it this far. Which gives me hope that we can make it until the end.
Here’s to being six years closer to holding you sweet girl.
Love you Monkey.
Miss Audrey Sue has done it again.
This is by far my favorite printable she has created.
Use the box below to download the free printable.
I hope you enjoy as much as I do :)