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Home Ashley grief Ledger Patrick Popular Posts Preslee Dear Ledger,

Dear Ledger,

Monday morning you woke up on the wrong side of the bed. You were a grouch, just like your parents. I was throwing myself a pity party, and wanted a minute to myself, to think and remember your sister. But you wouldn't have it. It was one of those days where nothing seemed to go right. 

You played in the toilet, and left the bathroom and yourself soaking wet. I put you in the tub, and suddenly I spotted a hobo spider on your head. Saying I freaked out is an understatement. About 5 minutes later, a little brown log was floating in the tub, and bath time came to an end. You clearly weren't ready to get out because you threw the world's biggest tantrum and I somehow managed to dress you through the constant back arching and flailing of arms. Then I set out to clean the dirty tub, and this is what I found you doing. I came out to a house covered in toilet paper. I'm not sure how you managed to shred it in every single room so quickly.

You ran to the door when you saw me... smart kid :)
Anyway, our day wasn't going so great.

We picked your dad up and took him to lunch, and then stopped at Walmart before going home. I sat you in the cart, and noticed the time, nearly 3:00 PM. Your sister passed away just minutes after, two short years ago. That all too familiar feeling in my stomach returned, and the tears started to fall as we walked through the store. The thought suddenly came to me, the reason I felt like I had been punched in the gut was probably because Preslee did just punch me, trying to get my attention, trying to remind me...

Yes, Preslee is gone, but sitting right in front of me was my child. The same child I prayed so desperately for after walking out of PCMC two years ago. I yearned to be a mom for 11 months, and there you sat right in front of me, and for whatever reason I had forgotten that day. I immediately picked you up, held you in my arms and started playing with you. My tears instantly dried as I tickled you, threw you up in the air, and twirled you around. Your giggling was contagious and before long, we were both laughing incredibly hard in the bedding section of Walmart. I couldn't help but say a quick silent prayer thanking Heavenly Father for you right then and there.

Ledge, your Dad and I are far from perfect, but we're trying. You were just being a normal curious toddler, but I let my grief get the better of me, and lost patience. I'm sorry. Thank you for being patient with me, it can't be easy being raised by grieving parents.

The rest of the night, we were both pretty happy campers, which seemed to rub off on your dad as well.

We had a good night, just the three of us, eating Angel Food Cake
in behalf of our Angel in Heaven.

We are extremely blessed to have you in our lives. We love you kiddo, your tantrums and all :)

And though I didn't laugh at the toilet paper strewn across the floor in the moment, I'm laughing while thinking about it now.


Love you Lovebug.
// Labels: Ashley, grief, Ledger, Patrick, Popular Posts, Preslee
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20 comments:

  1. Derrik and ClaireJuly 18, 2012 at 7:53 AM

    As I was reading the first part of your post I just knew, "she will turn this into a positive." You have a way of finding blessings in every situation. That can't be easy, because I know it's hard for me and I haven't gone through what you have. As an outsider looking in on you and your family, it is so easy to see the tremendous strength and growth over this last two years. I hope you can see that in yourself. Thank you for sharing your lives with us. I love that you had angel food cake to remember your sweet angel Preslee. I'll bet she was thinking of you all say as well:)

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  2. Derrik and ClaireJuly 18, 2012 at 7:56 AM

    As I was reading the first part of your post I just knew, "she will turn this into a positive." You have a way of finding blessings in every situation. That can't be easy, because I know it's hard for me and I haven't gone through what you have. As an outsider looking in on you and your family, it is so easy to see the tremendous strength and growth over this last two years. I hope you can see that in yourself. Thank you for sharing your lives with us. I love that you had angel food cake to remember your sweet angel Preslee. I'll bet she was thinking of you all say as well:)

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  3. Auntie EMJuly 18, 2012 at 8:17 AM

    It must be incredibly hard to put all the emotions and feelings in the right place all the time. All I know is that it sometimes can't be done. I'm so glad you got to a place where you could see what a wonderful miracle it is having little Ledger in your life. He did not replace your daughter of course but he made it possible for you to be a mama again, to take care and raise a child. It does not take "the missing" completely away - it never will - but I can see the joy he brings to your life. I see that same joy in my life with my little grandson. He saved me in a way and certainly gave me something to live for and a reason to be happy again. You are an inspiration to many of us blogger friends, even if you didn't intend to be. I am amazed at your strength, resilience, faith, and the way you put things into perspective. I hope you have a wonderful day with your son.

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  4. TiffanyJuly 18, 2012 at 8:17 AM

    Thanks Ashley. That was just what I needed to hear this morning. Hugs to you and your sweet little family.

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  5. Emily WeinzapfelJuly 18, 2012 at 8:27 AM

    Such a wonderful post... Praying for you all!

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  6. AnonymousJuly 18, 2012 at 9:08 AM

    We have never met, but you are such an inspiration to me! I have read your story so many times and can't even begin to imagine what you are going thru, but your Faith strengthens my own. God bless you and your beautiful family! I believe, with all of my heart, that Preslee is constantly watching over you and your family. Stay strong! ♥

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  7. Toshi's TidbitsJuly 18, 2012 at 10:11 AM

    This was perfect. Thank You. I have been struggling to take something in and comprehend it, but reading your post relaxed me. I can't thank you or Preslee or Ledger enough. You are SO Strong.

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  8. AnonymousJuly 18, 2012 at 10:45 AM

    you're the best mom. so proud of you and how you changd the situation perspective! way to go

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  9. karis stapleyJuly 18, 2012 at 11:26 AM

    Thank you for the reminder! I need it often, especially w/ twin toddlers. :)
    Its' so wonderful that we can turn around & make things right. Or at least change our attitude & view of our world. Especially with the help of the Savior.
    Thanks!

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  10. The CooksJuly 18, 2012 at 4:40 PM

    You truly are amazing!

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  11. ZoeyJuly 18, 2012 at 9:35 PM

    This post touched my heart. This must have been one of the hardest weeks ever, yet you continue to keep an eternal perspective. I'm guessing you took care of the spider okay. I would have screamed SO loud too!!!

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  12. the VirginsJuly 18, 2012 at 10:24 PM

    What a sweet post..Your kids are lucky to have such amazing parents! :) Thinking of you guys!

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  13. UnknownJuly 19, 2012 at 8:07 AM

    God bless you and your beautiful family!

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  14. JillJuly 19, 2012 at 10:55 AM

    I would like to thank you for all your post. Though I have not lost a child, I know someone who has, and your perspective has helped me understand and be more compassionate. When something doesn't go right and I get upset and then I think of you and all the other angel mothers and realize this isn't so bad. Thank you so much for your sweet and sincere post, you and your family are helping others, even if they are not in the same situation. Blessings to you and your dear family.
    Jill

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  15. AnonymousJuly 19, 2012 at 2:05 PM

    I have never met you before, but I have been following your blog since Preslee died. You have been such an inspiration in my life. When I get frusterated with my kids, I read your blogs and remember how lucky I am to be a mom. Reading this post brought me to tears, and I just wanted to thank you for your sweet spirit!
    Love,
    Meghan

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  16. CherriJuly 19, 2012 at 2:37 PM

    Ashley, looks like you will have to really watch out when Ledger is a teen - toilet papering already? Have a great day today!

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  17. UnknownJuly 20, 2012 at 3:42 PM

    I had a few moments to sit at the computer and decided to catch up on some blogs...

    As I read this post I felt the frustration you were feeling about having one thing go wrong after another, and I had to chuckle. I have not had to endure the heartache of losing a child, but I do have 3 little boys, they are 4,2 and 1. my last two are exactly 10 months apart to the day and my days are full of things like the poop in the tub, the toilet paper, and tantrums... Some days are crazier then others,we make it through with or without grace... but at least we make it.

    Thank you for sharing your heart with the world... because I know of you and your family I hold my boys a little longer, laugh a little more, kiss their sweet dirty or clean faces more, and Love deeper then I ever have. I keep you in my prayers always and know that Preslee smiles everyday because she knows that she will get to one day be held by you longer, laugh with you more, feel your kisses on her cheeks and that love will be deeper then before.

    Dont forget your an inspiration to so many. you are never alone! I hope your days will be good and full of happiness.

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  18. Kaeli & KyleJuly 25, 2012 at 1:46 PM

    Ashley you guys are amazing. Truly amazing. Thank you for helping to remind us all to stop and be grateful for our kids ALL the time. No matter what situation they might throw us into or how frustrating that day may be. Your blog is such a great example for us all. Glad the day ended a little better for you :)

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  19. SaraJuly 27, 2012 at 8:48 PM

    I am thinking of you and your family and your precious baby girl.

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  20. Miss CrysJuly 22, 2013 at 10:48 PM

    You are so amazing Ashley...I have those punches often. Love you so much.

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Hi, we're the Sullengers! Life turned upside down for us in 2010 when we lost our daughter in an accidental drowning. Since then, we've documented our highs (life with all five of our kids) and our lows (struggles with grief) but amongst everthing we've experienced, we know as long as we hold on to one another we can get through anything that comes our way. Read More. . .

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