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Home Ashley grief Ledger Patrick Preslee The accident Dear Preslee,

Dear Preslee,


I am so glad this second year has come to an end. It's been hard, plain and simple.

I didn't write much about one of our trials, which was how losing you affected our marriage. Your dad and I both grieve so differently, and became different people as we tried to cope with sleepless nights, exhaustion, depression, and a new baby. We were patient with each other for the first year, but our patience grew thin during the second.
  It's hard to watch your spouse hurt for so long and not be able to help.

But as hard as this past year was, you keep on teaching me...

That I love your dad more than anything, and realize I couldn't do this alone.

That you have a deep love for your little brother.

While heavily grieving, its nearly impossible to feel you close by. But as we both are beginning to leave the depression behind, we've come to to realize you've never been far away.

And finally, I've learned this blog is so much bigger than me. It's actually not about me at all, it's about you. I'm constantly in awe as I see the affect you have on so many different people around the world. You are still teaching me and others, and I am beyond grateful.

So here's to a new year.
 I pray that it will be an easier one. If not, I hope your Dad and I will learn what we are supposed to, hopefully while keeping the eternal perspective in mind.
I can't help but smile when realizing we are officially two years closer to being reunited.
Love you Monkey.

Love,
Mama
// Labels: Ashley, grief, Ledger, Patrick, Preslee, The accident
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34 comments:

  1. Laurin ClackumJuly 16, 2012 at 7:34 AM

    Thinking about you and your little family today. I hope this week passed by quickly, and I pray that only sweet joyful memories of Preslee are brought to your mind today.

    Thanks for sharing your heart...especially the stuff that most keep locked deep inside. I think that helps dull the pain as much as anything could.

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  2. UnknownJuly 16, 2012 at 7:37 AM

    so beautiful. i'm so sorry for your pain and heartache. my heart breaks for you.

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  3. UnknownJuly 16, 2012 at 8:03 AM

    Ashely, I have learned so much from you and Preslee Jo. I have learned to enjoy the little things and to be more patient. Just yesterday it rained here and as I was carrying my daughter and running through the rain, we were both laughing and giggling. She even had her hands out enjoying the fact that she was getting wet. It's a day I will never forget. I just want to say thank you for sharing your story.

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  4. Goody FamilyJuly 16, 2012 at 8:06 AM

    Love to you and your family!

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  5. LaceyJuly 16, 2012 at 8:47 AM

    I just recently started reading your blog...your family is beautiful! I can't say I understand what you must feel- but thank you for sharing your story! It makes me stronger and a better mama to my little! Sending hugs your way!

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  6. Seeing Each DayJuly 16, 2012 at 9:28 AM

    You and your Preslee are both teachers - hand in hand. Teaching us how you are managing with this grief that affects every single aspect of your life.

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  7. Trisha LarsonJuly 16, 2012 at 9:35 AM

    Isn't it weird how Heaven was just a place before. It's so much more real to those of us that have children that live there.

    Hugs to you during these difficult days.

    Trisha

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  8. Jacob and Kimberly PalmerJuly 16, 2012 at 9:52 AM

    I've been thinking about your sweet little family a lot lately. I know I don't know you in real life, but I appreciate you sharing your story with us. Prayers for your family, always but especially today.

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  9. Ashley Gilbert July 16, 2012 at 9:59 AM

    Another awe inspiring post! I can't imagine how hard it would be on a marriage to go through something like this together. I say if you have made it through a trial of this magnitude, you can probably conquer the world! She was such a beautiful little baby!

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  10. Heather and SpencerJuly 16, 2012 at 10:21 AM

    Thinking of your family today and keeping you in my prayers!

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  11. SerenaJuly 16, 2012 at 10:30 AM

    Praying for you on this difficult day. I hope peace and comfort and Preslee's love surround you and you know how much she loves you and is looking forward to seeing you guys again. I hate that anyone has to endure the pain of losing a child, it is the worst trial in life and yet you continue to show such grace and faithfulness. You are very courageous and an inspiration to many.
    In God's love,

    Serena

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  12. Auntie EMJuly 16, 2012 at 11:31 AM

    So sweet....so profound. I think she must have been one amazing little person. She sure is a cutie. She must be so proud of her mama, daddy, and brother. She is perfect, such a beautiful little angel. I get the feeling, like you, that she was never far away in the beginning and will never be too far away now. My thoughts and prayers are with you today as you reflect on your little beautiful daughter with amazing, cherished love.

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  13. Mrs. MundJuly 16, 2012 at 11:33 AM

    You don't know me personally, I found you through the blog world. I am also a BYU-Idaho graduate (Dec 2007) and the mother of a beautiful little girl.

    You've mentioned in the past that you don't know why you have to go through this trial and that you wish you didn't have to. I totally understand that and have been in your shoes with regards to those feelings. It has taken me some time to realize that the Lord has so much more of a hand in my life that I might be able to recognize. What is hard and difficult, makes me cry and want to scream isn't about testing and trying me to a point of exhaustion but about a much bigger and greater plan than you or I will ever realize.
    I don't know if I've learned the lesson that I've had coming from the trials given to me or if the lesson is still yet to come. I just try and remember that I'm not alone in all of this, there are so many people that I can turn to, espcially united by beliefs.
    Most importantly...I remember the Lord has given me, what is mine. I am the one that must take it beyond....
    Thank you for writing this blog. I'm so sorry for your loss and you are in my prayers.
    Amoryn

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  14. AlishaJuly 16, 2012 at 11:34 AM

    We sure miss her. And I love that pic of Ledge with her headstone, it's really sweet.

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  15. UnknownJuly 16, 2012 at 12:25 PM

    Love you guys!!!

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  16. AmandaJuly 16, 2012 at 2:27 PM

    Thinking of you and your family... {{big hugs}}

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  17. Tamatha BanksJuly 16, 2012 at 2:38 PM

    I have wondered many times how your marriage was doing through all of this - you seemed to be so happy and yet I knew that it would be near impossible not to have some cracks form in all relationships when something this huge happens. I admire you for your strength and even more for your honesty! Many prayers for a better year this year.

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  18. Tamatha BanksJuly 16, 2012 at 2:38 PM

    I have wondered many times how your marriage was doing through all of this - you seemed to be so happy and yet I knew that it would be near impossible not to have some cracks form in all relationships when something this huge happens. I admire you for your strength and even more for your honesty! Many prayers for a better year this year.

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  19. The MorrowsJuly 16, 2012 at 3:02 PM

    This is a precious and heartbreaking post. Thank you for sharing your story.

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  20. Mary Ann JenkinsJuly 16, 2012 at 3:34 PM

    2 years ago we were on vacation our way from Yellowstone, back home to California. We stopped in Rexburg at a place called Bear World. I was in the gift shop with my 2 year old daughter waiting to buy a souvenir.
    I noticed a lady standing off to the side with her head down and crying. After I finished paying, for some reason, I walked over and and asked if she was ok. She told me the story of a friends daughter that had fallen into a canal just a few days before, was in the hospital and wasn't sure if she would survive. She said seeing my daughter reminded her of that little girl. As we were talking, her friend that was visiting from out of town, and the reason for their trip to Bear World came up and said she was finished shopping. I told her I would pray for the little girl and we all quickly said goodbye. The next few days on our way back to California, I kept thinking about the lady and the little girl, and wishing I had asked a name.

    Fast forward about 3 months later. I was looking at a friends scrapbooking blog, and followed a link for something, that somehow in a round about way lead me to your blog. Imagine the shock when I realized your sweet girl was the one I had prayed for so many times over those past few months.

    I've been reading your blog since that day, and just never knew quite what to say. Today seems like the day though ;) My daughter was born November 13, 2008, the month before Preslee. I love her like I never could have imagined, and over these past 2 years I have so often wondered how you have survived. You have been such an inspiration to me.
    Thank you for sharing your heart.

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  21. Kennedy KlanJuly 16, 2012 at 5:44 PM

    My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your special family today. I am so sorry that this is what has happen, but you sure have been a very strong person through all this and I know Preslee is so thankful she is your daughter.

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  22. karaJuly 16, 2012 at 5:56 PM

    i've read in several places that the death of a child is the hardest thing for a married couple to go through, but each time i read it i thought of you and your husband: from our perspective through your blog, you are thriving in a way that is quite frankly unexpected, especially by people that have no hope! that is one thing about Christ that is so wonderful, he gives us hope for the future in hard times like this. you and your husband are an inspiration to married couples everywhere, in every circumstance. sending warm and happy thoughts to you from texas!

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  23. Cassidee GarnerJuly 16, 2012 at 9:27 PM

    Thank-you Ashley for sharing ur story! I think about u guys all the time! Hope all is well! Cassidee

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  24. KassieJuly 16, 2012 at 11:13 PM

    The picture of Ledger touching Preslee's headstone is so sweet. We love you guys and are thinking of you often! Hugs, Kassie and Shad

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  25. TifaniJuly 16, 2012 at 11:21 PM

    I hate the "reminder" days as I call them, it brings back all the emotion and flood of anxiety and horrible loss you feel in your heart!!! Even though its been 14 years it is hard when that month of may comes around for us!! and subconsciously we remember why that month is hard!!! i love ya and continue to pray for your sweet family!!! as for you and Pat just remember what doesnt kill you only makes you stronger and I totally believe that! You will have the hard times but they can also turn out to be the thing that brings you closer than you ever realized!!! Dont get me wrong we still have our trials and hard times but after loosing someone and getting through it, you almost know you can get through the "other" trials because you survived something that you thought was going to end the very breath that you breathe!!! Hang in there luv u
    hugs and kisses
    Tifani Cluff

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  26. AnonymousJuly 17, 2012 at 2:36 PM

    That picture is absolutely beautiful...there are not words to describe the spirit that is felt when I view it. I pray that you and Patrick continue to get stronger and the hard days become easier as you embrace Preslee's memory.

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  27. JeNnAJuly 17, 2012 at 6:17 PM

    Love ya Ash!

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  28. AshleighJuly 17, 2012 at 10:16 PM

    This post breaks my heart. I am sorry you've had to go through this. Praying for you and your husband. Keep the eternal persepective... Life on earth is just a short part of the eternal scheme of things. You'll all be together before you know it. Sending hugs your way!

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  29. The SullengersJuly 17, 2012 at 10:26 PM

    We were thinking of you guys all week! Especially Monday! We love you!

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  30. AnonymousJuly 18, 2012 at 3:56 PM

    I started following a week after she passed. Your blog is constantly on my mind as I watch my 2 year old grow.

    I had a horrible dream last night that I found her at the bottom of a pool. I woke up, and went in her room, and sat by her bed and cried while she was sound asleep. I cried because I was just so thankful that it was a dream, and I was thinking of you. You are in my prayers all the time, and will continue to be. Thank you for reminding me of how grateful we should be for each moment, and to hug our kids a little closer.

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  31. Lindsey HallJuly 18, 2012 at 6:48 PM

    This is a wonderful post. A friend of mine sent me a link to your blog because I just lost my 12 year old son in a four wheeler accident on june 8, so it's hasn't even been a month in a half yet, I have looked at a couple of your post and they have given me lots of incite and help. more because of your positive outlook on life still. I have really crappy days as you know and really good ones. ( as good as you know they go) I am worried for myself everyday that I am never going to be as happy as I once was.
    I just want you to know you are wonderful and even though this club of dumbness(the mom's who loose kids club). you are doing your part everyday to touch someones life in a sad but touching way just like your little angle would want you to. thanks again for this post. :) keep on doing service and as my little angle boy would say... LOVE,LOVE,LOVE

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  32. UnknownJuly 22, 2012 at 8:57 PM

    Oh Ashley,
    I totally understand how hard grief is on a marriage. It is so hard to talk about too! But always in the end you know there is no way that you could live without them! Tanks for sharing your honest heart with us. You are an amazing mother and woman and I look up to you so much!!
    Love,
    Tessie

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  33. UnknownJuly 26, 2012 at 5:01 PM

    My name is Summer and I lost my daughter, Kadynce, 3 weeks before her second birthday. She passed away two weeks after undergoing open heart surgery and we went through many of the same things in the hospital that your family had to endure with Preslee. It will be one year since her death on September 23, 2012. This has been, by far, the hardest year of our lives. She was our only child and after her death I prayed that the Lord bless us with another. He did indeed bless us again and I am due with our second daughter on October 19. Kadynce's birthday was October 13, very close together. I still have so many mixed emotions about this baby and my Heavenly daughter. I know we will get through this together but I'm just so scared now. I never knew such pain until we lost our baby girl.

    A friend showed me your blog shortly after Kadynce passed away. I have often come to your page on the days I feel I can't take another second and it always inspires me. It lets me know that there is still hope and love to be had. It also lets me know that I'm not alone in this journey and families do survive the worst. Thank you for sharing your most intimate feelings and never holding back. As we approach our daughter's first year of passing, I find myself coming to your page more and more. I think mostly to let myself know that it will be ok and I will love this baby just as much as my other. So, thank you again for letting the world know your pain and helping other mothers like myself.

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  34. TeneciaAugust 16, 2012 at 8:22 PM

    Just found your blog via TOFW's link to your post on their blog. I can't stop reading, and yet I can barely read through the tears streaming down my cheeks. I have an 18 month old (and a 4 y/o and 6 y/o) and I can't imagine the pain of losing her--the pain you feel. Yet your faith and strength shine through your posts even more than your grief. I admire you that. Chin up. You're doing great. You're right that P is in Heaven, snuggling with her (and our) big Brother, watching over your little family, cheering you on. <3

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Hi, we're the Sullengers! Life turned upside down for us in 2010 when we lost our daughter in an accidental drowning. Since then, we've documented our highs (life with all five of our kids) and our lows (struggles with grief) but amongst everthing we've experienced, we know as long as we hold on to one another we can get through anything that comes our way. Read More. . .

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