If I have one regret it is that I didn't write enough about every day life with Preslee. Therefore, I've been pretty good writing about Ledger. I keep a separate journal just for him next to my bed. That's why I'm such a fan of blogging. Most of everything I had written down about Preslee was on our blog and there are pictures to go with it.
Today I opened my journal and read about my daughter. I laughed and cried at the same time. Boy, she was a silent spitfire. I read entries about experiences that I had somehow forgotten. I immediately began to panic, because I've put off writing memories about Preslee for the last 10 months; it just became too painful. About a year ago, I began carrying a little notebook in my purse, and when I remember something about Preslee, I write down keywords to help me remember the story for the future. As time passes, it is amazing how quickly I'm starting to forget things. I'm forgetting the small little details that I loved so much. I know I need to write soon, but to be honest, I still don't think I'm ready yet. I find myself praying that I'll be able to hold on to those details just a little longer. But as I read through Preslee's journal, here are a few entries that stuck out to me today.
June 2, 2009
Many times I can’t believe that God trusts us enough to give us our own beautiful children. Preslee is teaching me so much. I can’t describe the love I have for her. I don’t know what I would do if I lost her.
January 8, 2010
Tonight you woke up crying. I went in to console you, the only thing you wanted was to be held. I sat down and rocked you to sleep. This is so rare, you haven't let me rock you for a very long time. As I sat there rocking you, I realized this is what life is all about-family. I love being your mom. It's the most difficult thing I've ever experienced, but definitely the most rewarding.
December 12, 2009
Last night was a tough one. I felt so sick and you wouldn't stop screaming and crying if I put you down. I got so frustrated and lost my temper and handed you to your dad. I felt bad about it all night. This morning when I got you up out of the crib you took my face in your little hands and looked me right in the eyes and said, "Mama." It was so sweet. It was officially your first word. I love you with all my heart. Thank you for being patient with me.
Love,
Mom
You are one strong women. I pray that God will give you the peace of mind, in knowing that you will always remember.
ReplyDeleteAshley - YOU ARE AN AMAZING PERSON and MOM! I check your blog EVERYDAY and some days I smile with pure happiness for you, other days I cry as I can feel your pain in your posts and other times I cry because you gently remind me to enjoy every minute with my girls at just the right moment, when I probably let yesterday fly by without truly cherishing EVERY MOMENT. HUGE hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteThose 3 little snippets just made me tear up a little. I'm so glad you have written down memories of her :D From what I have read on here she was a gorgeous, special little girl :D
ReplyDeleteAmazing-You and her! Miss you!
ReplyDeleteGood reminder of what I need to be writing down about my kids. Thanks. And I love those pictures of you and Pres. I don't know that I've ever seen them!? So sweet.
ReplyDeleteTHis was the perfect reminder for me. I need to be better about writing down all the things that my kids do and ways in which they teach me and help me grow. Thank you for this. I loved reading those bits about Preslee.
ReplyDeleteSuch precious, sweet memories. I read your blog everyday. It's such a good reminder for me. You have helped me and others more than you will ever know. xo
ReplyDeleteWhat beautiful memories hon! I do the same for my children. I keep a journal for each of them. It is daunting and tedious at times, but I am grateful I do! How sweet that you have such precious memories of your children, especially since they grow so fast! Love ya tons!
ReplyDeleteAshley you are an amazing person i look forward to you next blog post every time i get on i check to see what is new with your family! i have followed your blog since the accident and have learned so much from you and your family as i have a daughter a couple months younger than Preslee. i wish your family nothing but happiness in the years to come! thank you for being the strong wonderful mom that you are!
ReplyDeleteVery sweet...I blog for the same reason...a journal for my kids. I print it every year and they can look through and read it as time goes by and see exactly how they helped me, taught me and how much I love each one individually.
ReplyDeleteYou are such a good mom and so inspiring. I need to do better and keeping a journal. Thanks for the reminder.
ReplyDeleteAs hard as it is, you will always find those times/those places/those pictures/those memories/that song/that smell that will bring her to your rememberance. Keep in mind, Ashley, that she was planted "first" in your heart - before you knew her, before you could feel her, before you saw her, before you held her.....she was yours forever. And forever she will stay in your heart, your memories, and your forever. I am amazed and in awe of you, Kendra W., and others who have had to go through this type of trial and heartache. May God continue to bless you with peace, happiness, and love and that He will help bring back those wonderful memories of your Preslee. Mary in SLc
ReplyDeleteAshley, like many others I also check your blog every day and I am so happy when you post new things because each day that you do, you and Presley teach me something new, I never would have thought to keep a journal by my bed and just write a little each day about my kids. If I did, I never would have thought it was important but you have once again "TAUGHT" me and shown me better and for that, I am truly greatful. Your family is always in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteMy mom did little journal entries for us when we were younger. I started doing it for my little girlies too. But there was one particular post a while back that you wrote about journaling things, I have started to be much better! Thanks for you spirit and example ash! Love ya!
ReplyDeleteTears are streaming down my face- I can only imagine how you feel. You and Preslee are beautiful, and I hope that these memories, and every other memory stay with you forever. You and your husband have so much strength and faith, and I admire it more then I could say!
ReplyDeleteOh Ashley, I wish I could take the pain away from you and Patrick. As Ivy gets older, I realize more and more how much you must miss your little girl. Hold on to those memories. What tender journal entries. We love you guys so much.
ReplyDeletehey ashley, you don't know me, but like SO many others i feel like i know you. if i saw you walking down the street i might attack you and give you a big ole hug :) my heart has ached with you over the last year as i have followed your blog and rejoiced with you as you have brought your new little one into the world. you have inspired and touched my heart like you have so so so many others. and this journal entry post has completely inspired me to write down the small things that i so quickly forget! so thank you.
ReplyDeletep.s. i'm from idaho falls, but now live in california and we live by and are great friends with pete hawkins and his wife, pete said he lived down the street from pat. we love the hawkins!
I need to be better about journaling - I wrote a lot when Hudson was young and hitting lots of milestones, but it's been months since I've written in it and haven't written anything about Roxie - time to pull it out! Thanks for the reminder and for the sweet pics of Pres!
ReplyDeleteI have followed your story, kind of sporadically, however your sweet Preslee has somehow often been in my thoughts. You dear Ashley and your husband have as well. I have struggled with following it because, I want so badly for my family to be connected, for them to love and cherish one another and my heart aches. Reading your blog tonight hit me harder than it ever has! The spirit is so strong and your testimony of prayer has strengthened mine. After spending hours reading and crying and hearing God's messages through you, I can do hard things. I will be a better mom and I will be a better wife. I will love more and laugh more and try, try so hard to hold on to precious moments and never take for granted all the good I do have. Thank you for the blessing you are, thank you for the strength you and your sweet family show, thank you for helping me! I hope this is not strange, but I love you and will continue to hold you and your family in my heart and prayers. May God be with you and may today be one your heart will feel peace.
ReplyDeleteHey Ashley,
ReplyDeleteThanks for helping me to keep my priorities straight. I get to stay at home with my 4 children and be there for them when they fall, come home form school, have a good or bad day, laugh with, cuddle with and you help me everyday remember this. Time is so precious. That is why we got rid of our T.V. provider and are trying to spend more time together. Learning and teaching about the gospel and important things that they can take with them throughout the eternities. Thanks for being open and honest and Real with who you are and what you are feeling and experiencing. I came across a LDS family form California that just lost their little 7 month old Little girl from liver failure. i don't know them but here is their blog http://aniandmatttaylor.blogspot.com
Thanks Ashley for doing hard things. WE pray for you always and think of you, Pat and Ledger.
Love
From Canada:)
i'm a new follower!
ReplyDeletethis just broke my heart, but at the same time made me smile because the love you have for her still is so inspiring!
Speaking of laughing and crying, I'm doing the same after reading your post and seeing the cute pictures. Hopefully those memories of Preslee will eventually be associated more with peace and less with pain for both of you. I was thinking about you and Pat on the day of the class reunion, all the things you two have been through together and how Heavenly Father must love you two so much, and all the good you have accomplished and will accomplish in the future.
ReplyDeleteYou have changed my perspective on motherhood and I think of your blog posts frequently when my patience runs thin. Especially your post about feeling that these beautiful babies are "adult spirits in little bodies". I think you're right.
Thank you for your example and courage in facing all that life has given you. You are wonderful!
You are such a wonderful mother. I pray for you all the time. I will continue to pray that Heavenly Father keeps those memories in your mind. I can't imagine what you go through everyday. I can only continue to tell you I'm sorry for your pain. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
ReplyDeleteYou're amazing:) I love that you write in a notebook about the little moments. I do the same with my kids. It brings me comfort to read these little treasures, especially when times are difficult. I am praying for you!
ReplyDeleteAshley- I just want you to know that I have been following your blog for just over a year now. I first heard about your blog through another friend's blog and when i started to read little Preslee's story- I was hooked. It amazed me how much strength you and your husband have and how young you both are. It is amazing that you can blog and share with us how you both feel and that you do have the strength to carry on. It is also amazing that you have a new son, he was a gift from Preslee. You are so lucky that you now have an official guardian angel. Goodluck to both of you in everything you both do, your AMAZING people.
ReplyDeleteNearly 20 years after my daughter's death, I've started a blog about her... there was no such thing as blogging back then, and I wish so badly that I had journaled my experience. It was hard when I was going through it... just surviving day to day... I couldn't even think about writing it down. But she needs to be remembered.
ReplyDeletelesleyleger.blogspot.com