How to Support a Grieving Dad

Sometimes I feel guilty. I have received so much support over the years after losing Preslee, but sometimes it hurts because Patrick isn't always included. I have received so many gifts, and Patrick - only a few. People will talk to me about Preslee, and many times won't acknowledge Patrick in the same conversation. 

I've learned this isn't uncommon.

So we wanted to share what Pat found helpful to him in this short video.

Happy Father's Day to all the great men out there!

We want you to know we see you, love you, and think about you!

Happiness

Three months after Preslee died, a deep dark hole seemed to engulf me. The darkness was consuming and terrifying. My head was suddenly filled with doubts, and I truly thought I could never be happy living without my daughter. My husband grieved so differently that I felt completely alone. The comments I had heard a million times over, "Oh, but she's in a better place," began taking a toll on my mind. I began thinking if she needed to go to a better place, I had most definitely failed as her mother... Once I let just a little doubt creep in, it consumed me and that deep dark hole seemed to grow deeper every single day.

Over time, and with a lot of hard work, I'm grateful that I eventually found my way out of that hole. It was a long and slow process and I give all credit to my Savior, who carried most of the load. The lessons I learned during that time changed my view on life, and more importantly, changed my relationship with our Savior, Jesus Christ.

I love this video for so many different reasons. What I wouldn't have given to hear this back then, nearly six years ago. I wanted to share for anyone experiencing the same thing as I did, my hope is to let  you know you don't have to do it alone.

“I suppose everybody will have some kind of an experience where they say, ‘I’m never going to be happy again....Well, we are going to be happy again. That is also a part of the plan. It’s the very nature of it. Hang on and hope. Never lose faith in your Father in heaven, who loves you more than you can comprehend. Never, ever doubt his love for you. Hold fast to the Atonement. Believe in miracles. When you’ve done all you can do, endure to the end. And remember, hope is never lost.”

-Elder Holland

Our first broken bone... I'm sure the first of many.

What a week!

As I was creating this post, I realized I had a whole lot of pictures and videos I wanted to include, so I pulled out my rusty skills on windows movie maker to create a short video. For those of you who want to read the entire story, it's posted below.

Cruiz's Broken Leg

A little over a week ago, I took the boys to meet up with friends at a trampoline park for toddler time. All was great until I looked over and saw Cruiz grabbing his little leg and screaming. (I had my back turned to him while I was helping Ledger) My friend beat me to him and picked him up for me. A lady was standing right next to him, just staring at him. I was later told she had been jumping really high with a bunch of toddlers around. When I got to Cruiz, I asked the lady if she saw what had happened, she responded with a few mumbled words, and never really answered the question.

I sat down with Cruiz and struggled to calm him down. After about 15 minutes, I decided it as probably best we leave, so I grabbed Cannon and Ledger, and carried Cruiz down the stairs to gather our belongings. After putting Cruiz's shoes on his feet and placing him on the ground, he immediately fell flat on his face. It was so sad. I picked him up and examined his leg, which looked fine, but when I put him back down, his little leg immediately gave out again.

We came home and iced his leg a couple of times and by bedtime it wasn't bruised or swollen, so we hoped he would be feeling better in the morning. Cruiz had a rough night, and kept crying out, "Leg hurt!" The next morning we rushed to get out the door to make it to the Provo City Temple Open House on time. Pat and I took turns carrying him for over two hours, (It was busy!) He's a heavy little thing, by the end, my arms were literally shaking and Pat did most of the work. Cruiz still refused to walk and would flinch and cry out if anyone bumped into him. That's when we realized his leg was probably broken.

The only person Cruiz wanted was me, so once we got home, I took him straight to insta-care (It was a Saturday). After an x-ray was taken, the doctor told me he didn't see a break, but felt there probably was one that couldn't be seen on the x-ray. So he decided to put Cruiz in a splint and told us to keep him off his leg until we checked back in with a pediatrician four days later. Around 9:00 PM, we received a phone call from insta-care and were told the radiologist looked at the x-ray and said there was a definite fracture. We were given the number for orthopedics and told to make an appointment as soon as possible.

After carrying Cruiz around for nearly a week, I was thrilled to visit ortho! We were told the break wasn't severe, and since Cruiz hadn't walked on it for the first week, he only has to be in a cast for 3 more weeks. Yay! The doctor handed Cruiz a key ring with about 20 different colors swatches, and Cruiz picked the green and said, "Turtles!" A week later he's still incredibly proud that his cast is green just like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

By the end of the night he was scooting around on his tummy, and by the next day he was walking really well. He was thrilled that he no longer had to be left out when his brothers' played. Cruiz has been the happiest little boy since his cast was put on, I'm not quite sure why, but he has been so sweet!

Cruiz you're definitely a champ and we love you! Here's to what I'm sure is the first of many broken bones in our household.

Light ‘Em Up!

We are still trying to recover from a week long vacation in ID for Thanksgiving!

Tonight we kicked off the Christmas season by decorating our angel tree, and ended the night by reading a new Christmas book. I recently discovered this video, and over the next few weeks plan on implementing its amazing message. The mom in the video nailed it, and is helping me accomplish what I want to this Christmas season with my own kids. Here’s to hoping my neighbors will jump on board with us :)

Yellow Gerber Daisies

Here in UT, we live close to a beautiful cemetery. In front, there is a fountain that regularly catches Ledger’s eye as we drive by. Earlier this month, he repeatedly asked me if we could take a walk there. Day after day of him asking me, I finally said, “Okay buddy, lets go.”

Ledge jumped on his scooter, and I pushed Cannon and Cruiz and we took a walk on a busy road to get there. We stopped and let the boys appreciate the fountain up close, and then Ledger turned and and said,” Mom, let’s go see Preslee now.” I then understood why he wanted to visit. I knelt down to his level and explained that Preslee was buried in Idaho, and there are a lot of different cemeteries. (Death is such a confusing concept for kids) He was immediately heartbroken. I promised him we would visit soon.

The week of Preslee’s Angelversary, I suddenly became extremely homesick. And with Ledger still asking to visit his sister, Pat encouraged me to take the boys and visit. Pat stayed behind for work and I promised to be home on her actual Angelversary. My parents kept us busy, which I appreciate, but the highlight of our trip was definitely visiting the cemetery. If you live close to the cemetery, don’t take it for granted! I miss it.

We stopped at a local craft store to buy new flowers fro Preslee. Ledger, who is obsessed with the color yellow right now, (Bumblebee, the transformer is yellow) immediately picked out a yellow Gerber Daisy and asked me if he could buy it for his sister. I know his request might seem small, but it was huge for me. He truly loves her. His connection with her blows me away sometimes. I could go on and on about all that he says about her, but I’ll save that for another time :)

 

After our visit, (and no pictures of the twins, they were banished to the car after repeatedly stealing the trinkets off surrounding headstones :) we thought we would give a kid friendly hike a try that my Grandma used to take me on when I was a kid. It’s super close to the cemetery, but to our surprise half of the hike was paved now (seriously?) but the boys were in sandals so it turned out okay.

Ledger in the lead, Cruiz, and Cannon in the rear.
 
Left – Cruiz, Right- Cannon

We didn’t make it to the top after Cannon sat down and refused to walk, when I bent down to pick him up, my camera whacked him in the nose and it instantly started bleeding. So I packed him down to the parking lot, and while I was cleaning him up, you can clearly see he was still pretty upset with me. Haha
Afterward, we enjoyed a picnic outside.

My dad was great sport and started a fire for a hot dog roast. The boys were thrilled!! When it was time to roast hot dogs, we found Cruiz in the corner with a cold hot dog in each hand, eating them as fast as he could! The one thing I miss about Idaho the most is the big back yards.

 

The next day, my parents had previously planned to take my uncle and his family boating, so we tagged along.

 
My uncle Greg was the man. He played with my kids, and even jumped in after Cannon when he fell/jumped into the lake by himself. Ledger kept jumping in, and would panic when he hit the cold water. Greg would crouch down and say, “Own the water, don’t let it own you. Be the Boss. When you are calm, the water is calm.” To my surprise it worked! Ledger still says it when he swims :) Towards the end of the night, Ledger jumped off the boat when nobody was looking, we all panicked for a minute, but he swam over to the dock all by himself. (Don’t worry, all the boys had a life jacket on the entire time)
Ledger waterskiing

The Wightman gang.
 
Ledger riding “Fancy.”

Cannon was obsessed with the flag.

Cruiz & Grandma 

We drove home on Thursday and made it home before Pat got off work.
And to my surprise, my sweet neighbor, who I’ve only known for two months, had a gift waiting for me. She handed me the most amazing vase with a poem and a picture of Preslee etched into it. Inside, there were yellow gerber daisies…Too perfect. The poem was written like it was from Preslee, and immediately had me in tears. For only knowing me about two months, I couldn’t believe the effort my neighbor put into it.
Thank you Kayli, we absolutely love it.
 
Thank you Patrick for encouraging us to go home, and thanks mom and dad for letting us visit.

Cannon and Cruiz Turn 2!

It’s hard to believe that these two little boys are officially two years old!
The first year drug on due to an insane amount of crying, but this past year flew by.

Cannon and Cruiz,

You are wild little things, who keep us on our toes both day and night, but I can’t imagine life without either of you. I love your similarities, but love watching your differences even more. I have so much to say/document but I’ll save it for another post, because I only have about an hour (nap time) to bake a cake :)

Happy Birthday boys, we love you!

If this is blurry, watch it {here}

Six

Dear Preslee,

Every year I expect this to be easier, but it never is. I was doing great until I started writing this post, and now… I honestly don’t know what to say.

Six. It was six years ago that you were placed in my arms. I had no idea the future that awaited us, but I’m so glad I didn’t. Looking back, life with you was incredibly happy. There was no grief, little pain, and just new mom type of worries.

Not long ago I was talking to your dad about a friend’s little six year old girl. I told Pat, “I can’t believe she has one that old.” Then it hit me, I should too.

Yesterday, while walking down the toy isle in Target, I heard a voice ask, “Are you Ashley?” A sweet lady then  introduced herself and explained she was the first EMT responder to arrive after the Calls pulled you out of canal. And ironically, just yesterday, she clicked on a link while on FB that took her to our blog to read about the blanket we had made. We had a sweet conversation, and I’m still amazed the impact you’ve had on so many after all these years.

 
(Decorating 12/11/14)

Though today hurts, we choose to celebrate. We choose to celebrate all that you are, and I hope there’s a way to teach your brothers who you truly are. And even though the last four and a half years have been down right hard, I’d choose it over and over again. The short 18 months we had together was worth it in every way.

We love you Monkey, Happy Birthday. We’re officially four Birthdays closer to seeing you again!

Love,
       Mom

P.S. The real reason the tears began to fall last night was because I watched this slideshow. I haven’t watched it in a couple of years. The song gets me every time. Thank you Alisha and Molly!

Colic: Remedies for Desperate Parents

 

We were lucky. Extremely lucky. Our first two babies were easy, and have I mentioned amazing sleepers? Then, SURPRISE! Our third pregnancy blessed us with two babies – identical twin boys, who weren’t so easy :) Not only were we outnumbered, but just after being released from the NICU, crying rocked our world. There was SO.MUCH.CRYING! When one boy fell asleep, the other started up. We even heard crying in our heads when they weren’t crying, and I was convinced I had gone crazy, along with our two year old - who after about two months literally snapped, especially in confined spaces…

Out of desperation I began researching colic remedies and had a difficult time finding one place that gave me more than one suggestion. After hours of research, reading the different suggestions many of you gave us, and spending 7 months with two colicky babies, I’ve finally compiled what we learned. 

UPDATE: We've now added one more baby to our family, and I recently discovered a product that helps keep on top of gas issues. It's posted as #11 below, but isn't shown on the image. 

1. HEATING PAD - Cruiz never reacted to the heating pad, but it did help Cannon calm down a little. Put it around their tummy, and then swaddle them up. This is the heating pad we use.
2. GRIPE WATER – I know gripe water is the first thing people recommended, and is pretty inexpensive, so I’d start here. There are many different kinds, and we tried them all, but we noticed the gripe water with peppermint helped the most, but still didn’t do much for our twin boys.
3. COLIC TABLETS - We started off with these colic tablets. These worked great with Ledger, our second child, but didn’t have the strength we needed with our twins. I was later told to dissolve them in gripe water, and the mix of the two does the trick.
4. GAS RELIEF DROPS – Our babies were gassy. It’s true. I bought these gas relief drops and after I gave them a dose, they would start burping and passing gas, which always makes for a happy baby.
5. ESSENTIAL OILS – So many people suggested oils! Lavender is known for calming, and peppermint helps with pain, I know many people who have benefited from essential oils, but it didn’t seem to help our boys. I was told to drop a couple drops of peppermint in a bottle and it would help soothe their stomachs. But I love the idea of a natural remedy to help with my babies.
6.COLIC CALM – Oh baby, this stuff is AMAZING! It’s pricey, but it’s a small price to pay for sanity. Don’t let the black color turn you off, with a little spray and wash, it came out of everything. We called it black magic in our house. It didn’t solve our problem, but it would help sooth them almost instantly. Until we worked with a doctor this was by the most helpful product. Find it at Walgreens or Amazon.
7. BABY ZANTAC OF PREVACID – Our babies spit up everything all hours of the day, and then would scream terribly. It seemed like their spit up was burning their throats. It took us about three months to figure this one out, but both babies had acid reflux. Our pediatrician prescribed baby zantac, and the boys were given two small doses a day and it’s made the biggest difference! (Quite common in preemie twins)
8. CHIROPRACTOR – I had a friend refer me to Madison Ridge Chiropractic in Rexburg, ID because they work on children up to a year for free. I thought if it didn’t cost me anything, it wouldn’t hurt to try. To be honest I was skeptic, but after Dr. Roderick explained the process, and showed me what the babies would feel I said lets give it a try. The first couple of weeks I went 2-3 times each week, and then about once a week until they were 8 months. And it seriously makes the BIGGEST difference! Every time we went, within 4-6 hours both boys will poop at the exact same time, (I kid you not) and most often a blowout, and would instantly smile, and fall asleep for hours. The chiropractor explained colic is related to stomach problems, and when their little bodies are aligned, everything inside runs better and more effectively. Both boys had issues filling a diaper regularly, and our visits to the chiropractor fixed that problem. We were also grateful because we learned Cruiz had torticollis, where his neck was kinked and he always looked to the right, (common for twins, because its such a tight fit in the womb). Dr. Roderick fixed his little neck, and I grew to love the man. After a couple of months the boys both boys started acting a little better for awhile, and I took a few weeks off thinking I didn’t need to go anymore, but slowly they returned to their old ways. Once I returned, the crying lessened. I’m a full - fledged believer of this one!
9. PROBIOTICS – I had a surprising amount of comments left about this item, so I gave it a try. Healthline.com says, “Researchers at an Italian university reported that giving infants a probiotic during their first three months of life can help prevent stomach problems like colic from developing.” To my amazement, it helped. When I added this along with the zantac, we almost had normal babies…almost. It may seem pricey, but a little goes a long ways. This is the brand we used.
10. NUTRAMIGEN – Seven months later, I finally hit my breaking point, and ended up at my pediatrician’s office on a Saturday morning in tears. After discussing the boys’ history, our pediatrician wanted to switch their formula. We first tried Enfamil Gentlease, and later switched to Nutramigen (formula to help with a cows milk allergy) It’s crazy expensive, but learned from many of our readers that WIC will help with it, and if you have twins, contact your pediatrician, and even Enfamil, they help twin moms out. But within 3 days, (It takes 3 days for formula to get out of a baby’s system) our boys stopped crying, and even began sleeping at night. It was the first time we saw our boys actually function. This formula completely changed our lives, learn more about it {here}. 

11. Windi - If your child is gassy or constipated, do yourself a favor and order this right away! When I first read about it, I was little weirded out, but I promise it works! I felt like it enabled me to stay ahead of the gassy and fussy issues, and kept my baby super happy. My suggestion is to rub your baby's tummy for a few minutes, and then insert the windi. I always let it sit for a little longer than recommended, and every single time my baby was able to fill her diaper. Just remember to keep the diaper around the opposite end or it will make a gross mess! 

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Here’s to hoping something on the list helps. If not, give me a call, I’ll be more than happy to come babysit so you can drive to the nearest frozen yogurt shop, eat your emotions away, and sit in silence, all the while giving yourself a pep talk, that you really can get through the next day… which I did a little too often :)

And now that I’m on the other end, I can say it was totally worth it.