Each year this day reminds me how cruel life can be and how painful living without you really is. December 17th stings my heart in so many ways, and makes me long for you even more.
Five short years ago you entered this world. Five. Five whole years. The age you reach to enter Kindergarten – a huge milestone we’ll never experience. Five. Which means this is our 4th Birthday celebrating without you. Four too many.
Your dad and I quickly realized our annual trip to SLC wouldn’t be happening this year, due to two little babies. I struggled thinking of a unique way to celebrate you, because I’ve learned service dulls the pain. But all my ideas came to an end realizing I couldn’t take it on with three small kids. To be honest, it was all making me very upset.
But one afternoon, as I sat holding the twins, and watching Ledger run around like madman, the thought quietly, but strongly, entered my mind, “This is enough, this is more than enough.” In that moment I realized the best present I could give you this year is to love the heck out of your brothers. I realize we have many more years ahead of us to complete service projects, and hopefully run another Pay It Forward Project, but this year, I get to enjoy it with your Dad and brothers.
So that’s what we’ll be doing, nothing extravagant, but remembering you in all that we do. Eating blueberry pancakes because you were obsessed with blueberries. Finger paint or color with Ledger, and eat saltines with peanut butter and honey. I plan to pull the photo books out, the slideshows that many kind people made us, and teach your brothers all about their big sister. I’m sure we’ll make a trip to the cemetery, release some Balloons to help Ledger grasp the concept. But I hope you realize how much we love and adore you. How much we ache to have you in our life.- though the longer we go, the more I realize you are with us, we just have to learn to recognize it. We are constantly trying to live a life to be worthy to stand next to you in the end.
(1st Birthday, 2009)
I pray whoever you spend the day with, gives you a hug, since I can’t be the one to do it.
Happy Birthday sweet girl. I sure am proud to be called your Momma.
Mom and Dad
P.S. Here is the RAK’D document we used from last year, many of you requested it. Feel free to use it