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Home Ashley grief July…

July…

July always brings raw emotions to the surface for our little family. The 4th tends to pass by all too quickly, and the only other date that stays on our minds is the day we lost Preslee. This year, the 16th marks three years. Today I realized it I’ve been pregnant for half of that time.

photo (3)

(Kicking off our 4th of July Celebration at Huntsman Springs in Driggs, ID)

This pregnancy has been rough. I have been incredibly moody and emotional, it’s been much more intense than my other two. Any grief that I experience sets me over edge and I can’t seem to function, it tends to consume me. Last December and January, during the days leading up to and following Preslee’s Birthday, I became extremely angry and bitter. It took me off guard, and I didn’t know how to handle it. Patrick helped me realize it was probably due to the fact I was pregnant, and that’s when I began avoiding grief all together.

Six months later I’m still avoiding it.

I often feel my grief right below the surface, knocking and begging me to open the door to let it in. I find myself keeping that door shut, trying to stuff the grief down deeper, hoping it won’t break through. I’ve learned just because I don’t let it in, doesn’t mean it goes away, rather, I feel it building up, becoming stronger, and I know eventually it will overpower me and find a way through.

And when that time comes I know I’ll break down, but in a strange way it will be healing. But until that time comes I’ll continue to avoid the things that tend to bring those strong grieving emotions back. For example, looking at pictures, reading other angel blogs, or writing people back about death. I can’t tell you how many drafts are sitting in my e-mail account waiting to be finished and sent to other parents who have lost children. Some date back to December. I’m sorry to those still waiting a response, I promise I’ll get to them sometime when I can handle it.

Like I said, it’s been three years, and though I would have never dreamed I would be avoiding my grief due to a hormonal twin pregnancy, I’ve come to understand nobody ever knows what to expect with grief. My hope is these twins decide to arrive in July, giving us another positive event to look forward to.

Keeping my finger’s’ crossed.

// Labels: Ashley, grief
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12 comments:

  1. LaurenJuly 2, 2013 at 5:39 PM

    I hope these sweet baby boys come on 7/16. What a blessing that would be to have them share something special with Preslee and also give you a reason to smile that day. I hope everything goes smoothly! Prayers and positive baby energy going your way!! :) Love from FLORIDA!

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  2. Miss CrysJuly 2, 2013 at 6:35 PM

    Oh dear Ashley...I'm praying they come for you in July too. Be patient with yourself. Grief is tricky. It can be beautiful and ugly the following day...6 years out, I still feel the exact same things. I still weep like my child was taken when I read about another's taken. It is so hard. There must be a glorious recompense made. Love you beautiful mama!

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  3. LisaJuly 2, 2013 at 7:29 PM

    Dear Ashley, my grief came for different reasons. But for whatever reason, I too experienced the constant undercurrent of grief heavily laced with bitterness years after the fact. This too at a time when I was experiencing a very emotional pregnancy. I spoke to a friend who had an especially difficult pregnancy as well--a very sad time. Of my four pregnancies and this friends seven we came to realize that of all of our children, the ones we were the saddest to carry came to us as the very happiest of spirits--and remain so. I hope that as time passes and you welcome these boys into your heart and home you will find much sadness swallowed up by the joy of the very personalities these little bundles of heaven bring--an added measure of happiness and joy. Thank you for being real. And keep fighting those feelings of hopelessness. For surely if there is no hope we have nothing. Satan would have it that way. For me he tried to win me over through my grief and bitterness. Hope on. Pray on. Trust in the Lord and together you will come off conqueror--of that I have no doubt.

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  4. AnonymousJuly 2, 2013 at 8:17 PM

    I always put your name in the prayer roll whenever I go to the temple. I don't know you, have never met you and probably never will, but you really inspire me with your strength. Sometimes you might feel weak, but you're amazing. You can do hard things. I hope your babies come in July too, and I wish you all the happiness in the world. :)

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  5. ZoeyJuly 2, 2013 at 9:06 PM

    Hugs! One day at a time...

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  6. TracieJuly 2, 2013 at 10:38 PM

    Bless your heart. So proud that you take it day by day and keep on pushing though. May you be blessed with the strength you need and the peace you deserve. You go, girl!

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  7. AnonymousJuly 3, 2013 at 12:16 AM

    Sorry that you feel that way and that we cannot help. The little boys will push the grief aside.
    You are in my thoughts and prayers.
    V. (Paris, France)

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  8. Tyandra PerezJuly 3, 2013 at 10:42 AM

    I've never commented but I have loved reading your blog. I have cried with sadness and joy reading your thoughts and experiences. I have 2 little ones of my own and even the thought of losing them is devastating. I think you are so strong and courageous for sharing all your inner feelings and thoughts. It helps us to know that being human is ok and it's ok to be angry, or sad or whatever we're feeling. thanks for being real. I hope this July can bring a little more peace to your heart and also 2 bundles of Joy. :) So happy for your growing family.

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  9. AlishaJuly 3, 2013 at 2:12 PM

    I hope those babes come in July also. You guys need a happy July day to balance the month.

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  10. glendaJuly 3, 2013 at 3:50 PM

    I'll pray and keep my fingers crossed your boys come in July as well!

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  11. Auntie EMJuly 3, 2013 at 6:23 PM

    That "day" in July will always be hard. I hope you things that day that will bring comfort and peace to you. Your Preslee is still your daughter...FOREVER....yours. I too hope the babies make their debut in July. How about July 31st, my birthday!! LOL!! Take care Ashley. You have come a long way. Those of us who only know you through your blog can attest that you've made a difference for us. Have a wonderful happy 4th of July!!

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  12. AnonymousJuly 4, 2013 at 4:02 AM

    Your are almost there. I am pregnant with my fourth and I have come to realize that with each pregnancy the hormones are worse! Be patient with yourself! I have also come to realize that the time it takes for my hormones to balance back out after having a baby gets longer with pregnancy. So keep in mind that you are going to need to be patient with yourself after the babies get here! I hope that you have lots of help and are able to rest as much as possible with 2 babies and a toddler:) I know for me that rest can make all the difference in the world! Keeping my fingers crossed that those boys come before you know it and you have a happy occassion to celebrate!

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Hi, we're the Sullengers! Life turned upside down for us in 2010 when we lost our daughter in an accidental drowning. Since then, we've documented our highs (life with all five of our kids) and our lows (struggles with grief) but amongst everthing we've experienced, we know as long as we hold on to one another we can get through anything that comes our way. Read More. . .

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