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Home Ashley grief Ledger Patrick Preslee Progress

Progress

I'm always amazed at how much this little guy helps us with our grief.


In the past I've struggled with responding to the question, "How many kids do you have?" After the accident, that question seemed to pop up everywhere I went. I was emotional and cried nearly every time somebody asked it. For a long time, I tried answering it in different ways, always hoping to find an easier way to explain. But I never did.

For example, I still remember being asked,

"When are you due?" 
Me: "June 30th."
 "Is this your first?"
 I was so sick and tired of this scenario and crying in public, that I mumbled a quick "yes," hoping the conversation would come to an end. I immediately felt so guilty for not mentioning Preslee that I started crying before I walked out the door. The tears continued to flow for the rest of the night. I knew from that moment on, I would never use that answer again.

One of the reasons I hated that question was because of the reactions I would get after explaining Preslee had passed away. Every single person would automatically get a horrified look on their face, and then respond one of two ways.

                                   1. Go completely silent, never saying another word to me.
                                   2. Begin asking all sorts of questions about Preslee and the accident.

Both responses were extremely awkward/difficult.
Before long, I avoided any type of conversation that I could. 

Then Ledger was born, and recently I noticed those awkward conversations rarely happen anymore. Now, when I'm asked, "Is he your first?" I don't hesitate to explain he's my second, and my oldest passed away. The horrific look on their face follows, and then they usually being talking a million mph about Ledger, and I rarely can get another word in.

  It happens almost every.single.time.

And yesterday when it happened, I couldn't help but smile, because while the lady was telling me how cute my kid was, and going on about this and that, (rambling a million mph) I was grateful Ledger was there to help make the situation easier.

And throughout the rest of the day, I couldn't help but think of the different little ways Ledger has helped us progress within in our grief.

Pat and I can once again talk about our child without people feeling awkward.


I no longer dread being home, because we have a constant sidekick again.



Instead of avoiding the baby section like the plague, we get to shop there again.
 Still hoping one day it will be easier to look at girls clothes.



I feel like a mom again doing basic every day chores that I once drastically missed.



And we love eating at the table again, because meal time is an adventure.


Aren't we blessed?
We are so grateful to have this little guy in our family.

Love you Ledger.
// Labels: Ashley, grief, Ledger, Patrick, Preslee
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21 comments:

  1. LaurenSeptember 19, 2012 at 11:42 AM

    I'm glad you posted this because I often feel this way. I'm pregnant with my 2nd after losing my little boy 11 months to the day. I never know how to answer because I do not want to leave my little boy out but I hate running into awkward situations. I'm hoping once I have this little girl that question won't come up as much but we will see.

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  2. HollySeptember 19, 2012 at 12:01 PM

    I was just talking about those two reactions with some people last night. It seems like my first husband always comes up and it is almost always awkward to talk about it after I mention he died. I think it got more difficult after I remarried! I'm glad it's easier for you now. Hopefully one day it will be less of an issue for me.

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  3. TiffanySeptember 19, 2012 at 1:14 PM

    I'm so happy for you to finally have a little relief. I know it's been a very long road for you. Sweet little Ledger is about as charming as can be. Love that boy...really! :-)

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  4. SarahSeptember 19, 2012 at 1:50 PM

    AMEN! People don't realize what a hard question they are asking. I answer based on my mood, and if I think I will ever see the person again. I even got creative when people would ask how many kids I had I would say, "Two boys." In my mind, of course thinking of their big sister as well. I can't get away with that answer now, though. We had another beautiful baby girl in May. Now people say, "Oh, you finally got your girl!" I usually smile and just think - if you only knew...

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  5. Our Fairy TaleSeptember 19, 2012 at 1:53 PM

    I have been following your blog since Preslee had her accident. I have cried reading so many or your entries and have been spiritually uplifted by you countless times. When I turn on my computer your website is the first to ckeck. I have really enjoyed reading about your outlook on life and have been greatly inspired. I think you are an amazing mother and preson. I wish you the best and just want to say thankyou for reminding me to appreciate all the little things in life.

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  6. The Robnett ZooSeptember 19, 2012 at 2:23 PM

    Thank you so much for being so honest. I lost my baby boy almost 19 years ago. And I lost my beautiful baby girl that we were in the process of adopting this summer. Even though she is still a live I feel as I buried another child. This time it is even almost more difficult. I know that Aaron is in the arms of the Lord while Saylor is in a very bad home situation. I wish I would of had blogs like your to help me then as it helps me now. I have a (almost 21 year old) natural daughter and am blessed with raising my hubs 7 year old son and we have two beautiful littles through adoption (3 1/2 and 21 months) But My other two are still in my heart and still very much my children. I still hate the question of how many children I have.

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  7. Auntie EMSeptember 19, 2012 at 2:59 PM

    Ledger came to you just when you needed him most. He didn't come to replace your daughter because each and every one of us is unique and so was Preslee. But Ledger helped heal you and helped you get where you are today. Me? I lost my husband and both parents within 7 months. My little grandson filled a void that helped me want to live again and want to be happy again. My grandson is such a joy as I'm sure your Ledger is for you. Ledger has such a rambuncious personality and is just so cute. To answer you question: Aren't we blessed? I say Yes, Yes, Yes. You were blessed to be the mother of a perfect angel and you are blessed to be the mother of your little sweet guy. The pictures of him today made me smile and your post reminds me that even in our loss, we can still find joy in this life and there is so much more to experience. Have a wonderful day!!!

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  8. UnknownSeptember 19, 2012 at 4:33 PM

    i just have to say how much i admire you and your husband. you are some of the strongest people i have ever gotten the pleasure of stumbling upon.

    thank you for being so open and honest with complete strangers.

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  9. Abby LevissSeptember 19, 2012 at 5:11 PM

    This has been weighing heavily on my mind since my rainbow baby was born. His big brother passed away at nine and a half months when he stopped breathing at daycare. Maxie passed away 14 months ago and his little brother is two months old. Everyone asks if Mo is my first. It makes me never want to leave my house. I am getting better at either being creative with my answers "There is a two year difference in my boys ages" and then changing the subject..for example. I don't know what words to use to say that my oldest died. I'm glad that people respond the way they do to you. I hope they do the same for me. XOXO

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  10. The KingsSeptember 19, 2012 at 6:29 PM

    oh I get this post so well. I'm not scared at all to mention Noah or Aaron to people, but just hate the response I get. I usually just tell them it's okay and I'm okay to talk about it, but I have also done the 'yes I have three boys' and regret not saying I have four. So glad you have Ledger to help you with your grief and bring some joy back in your life.

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  11. The JeffriesSeptember 19, 2012 at 8:53 PM

    WOW - we have the exact same window sills over our sink :) full of sippy cups

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  12. BrookeSeptember 19, 2012 at 9:19 PM

    You are spot on. I have run into this question countless times since our little Weston passed away and I hate it....but I can't not mention Wes. He is just as much as part of our family as he was before just a step ahead of us. Though our eyes might not be able to physically see him our hearts and spirits know he is close...just as I'm sure your Preslee is. Once again, I needed to read what you wrote. Thanks for helping my heart once again. Hugs!

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  13. MByramSeptember 19, 2012 at 10:17 PM

    And he is one dang cute little sidekick!! :)

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  14. LesleySeptember 20, 2012 at 1:20 PM

    Twenty-one years ago today we buried our only daughter. We had three older boys at the time... (we still do :) and were blessed with another daughter 18 months to the day after her sisters death. Even after all these years when asked about my children, there is a split second when I decide do I tell them or not. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I say 5 kids and sometimes I say 4. The most interesting question I've ever been asked was this, "are you over it yet?" It was at stake trek and the man who asked was so shocked that he didn't know about our daughter. His poor (embarrassed) wife was nudging him and trying to get him to shut-up. It was okay... he was interested in the story and didn't mean any harm. I kindly told him that you don't ever "get over it" you just "get through it".

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  15. The SullengersSeptember 20, 2012 at 1:48 PM

    It is amazing how kids can heal your soul! Even when I am so mad I could cry, I just have to think about their sweet innocent faces and I can try to pull it all together! We love Ledger too and are so happy for that blessing of being parents again! Let's plan the next one together again! We are 2 for 2! :)

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  16. MandiSeptember 20, 2012 at 2:48 PM

    I've commented once before, I don't know you and I can't relate to your situation in any way, but I want you to know that you bless my life. After I read your posts I hug my babies a little tighter and have a renewed determination to be a better mom and cherish every second I have with them.
    Thanks again

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  17. AnonymousSeptember 21, 2012 at 12:34 AM

    Must have been very awkward and painful. I cannot start to imagine. Must still be, now and then, although Ledger (what a sweet little boy) is helping, no doubt. Hopefully, a little sister (or more ?)will one day help you overcome the distress when you look at girls clothes. And little Preslee will rejoice over this :-)
    You are a wonderful family. Of 4. Maybe not visible for all to see. But we, your readers, know and support you. V. (France)

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  18. TiffanySeptember 21, 2012 at 9:37 AM

    Beautiful Ashley. Thank you for helping me look at things from another perspective.

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  19. angieSeptember 22, 2012 at 9:42 PM

    I met a lady once, who told me she had 3 kids, and 2 Angel Babies. I thought it was such a sweet way to introduce her family, and remember her little ones.

    You amaze me Ashley. Keep doing what you're doing. You are changing lives every day.

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  20. RosalieSeptember 23, 2012 at 5:56 AM

    I never would have guessed that questions like that would hurt, but I completely understand. I am so grateful that even though it hurts immensely and more than I could ever imagine, you share how you feel and your reactions. I have found myself keeping a mental list of the things that people have said that have hurt your feelings or made you have a bad day so that if I am ever presented with an opportunity to comfort someone who has lost a beautiful child I won't hurt their feelings.

    Thank you for your honesty! And that lady was right, Ledger is ADORABLE...just like Preslee is!

    Love you guys!

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  21. maryanneOctober 1, 2012 at 9:10 PM

    Hello Ashley. We've never met, but I feel like I know you a little from your blog. Anyway, I heard the new song by Pink called "Beam Me Up" and I thought of you and Preslee immediately. If you're not a fan of Pink because of her sometimes raunchy lyrics, don't be afraid of this song. It's completely clean, and you can find it on youtube. Apparently she wrote it for a friend who'd lost a child. -- With hugs from a stranger, in a completely unweird, not stalkerish kind of way.

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Hi, we're the Sullengers! Life turned upside down for us in 2010 when we lost our daughter in an accidental drowning. Since then, we've documented our highs (life with all five of our kids) and our lows (struggles with grief) but amongst everthing we've experienced, we know as long as we hold on to one another we can get through anything that comes our way. Read More. . .

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