Trials. We all have them. Some are visible, and some are more personal and hidden from the world. It has been 16 months since we lost Preslee. Crazy. In just a few months we'll have lived longer without her than the time we spent with her here on earth. That's a painful thought. Extremely painful.
Grief comes in waves, I think it's going to be a never ending cycle. I hate the thought of that. Yesterday I took out a purse I haven't used in a long time. Inside it, I found a size 4 diaper and a sparkly pink clip, both belonged to Preslee. I thought to myself how does the center and focus of my life just suddenly disappear? I sat there on the floor, held that little bow, grabbed her pink blanket and of course let the tears come. I haven't cried like that in such a long time. Sometimes tears are healing...
I recently read this talk by Richard G Scott. He speaks of temples and trials. He's truly an amazing man. He lost his wife and two children. I was a little taken back when he said this.
"I have never complained because I know it was His will. I have never asked why but rather what is it that He wants me to learn from this experience. I believe that is a good way to face the unpleasant things in our lives, not complaining but thanking the Lord for the trust He places in us when He gives us the opportunity to overcome difficulties."
I've thought a lot about this over the past week. Trust? I've never looked at it in that way. It's too easy to look at trials as punishment when you're hurting inside. Since I read this talk, I've repeatedly told myself He trusts that I can overcome this trial.
And what has He wanted me to learn?
I'm sure there are many more I will discover in the future, but as of now,
- compassion
- patience
- love
- gratitude
- humility
- charity
- service
- power of prayer
- importance of scripture study
- families can be together forever
- the importance of temple work,
- and most importantly, how important my relationship with Jesus Christ is.
I feel like I was put on one path and stayed on it until we lost Preslee. Then I ventured onto another. I think if I do what I need to, this path will lead me to where I want to be much faster than the other. Though I'm impatient with myself and want everything to be fixed, I understand I'm working through it and making improvement. I'll be the first to admit I'm not at the level Elder Scott is, never complaining and always thanking, but I hope to be there one day.
I'm trying. I really am.
So today I'm going to try to be thankful for what I have learned over the past 16 months. I'm going to try and figure out what He still wants me to learn. I'm positive I was supposed to see this music video. My uncle and sister-in-law both sent it to me within 30 minutes of each other. The song is beautiful and definitely hit home.
"I used to pray He'd take it all away, but instead, it became a beautiful heartbreak."
This is my goal, to let it become a beautiful heartbreak.
Ash!
ReplyDeleteMy Mom just sent me this link last night. I loved it! Thanks for sharing :) Made me cry!!
I heard the song yesterday and instantly thought of you. It is amazing how often I find myself struggling some days and my thoughts are led to you. It really makes me re-evaluate. I really love you, Ash, and hope you know that I still pray for your pain to be eased. You are such a great example of strength and goodness and I hope you know that you have blessed so many lives because of that.
ReplyDeleteAshley, thank you for sharing that quote with my mom and I. It truly does put a new perspective on our trials. I loved loved loved the song :) You are such an inspiration to our family and we just love you. I think of you often and hope that cute little boy of yours is doing well. Thank you for this post- it was amazing (as always)!
ReplyDeleteI was just coming to your blog to tell you about this song. Looks like Preslee already told someone to send it to you. I also believe we are all supposed to learn from our trials like you are. {The refiners fire} But I also believe that were supposed to teach others through this trial. And you are, more than I think you know. I recently went through something so hard on me. I don't know why it hurt so bad. Maybe because I didn't listen to a prompting which in turn caused my 2 year old daughter pain. I couldn't get over it. For weeks the guilt crushed my every thought. Ashley, thinking of you is what got me through it. Your strength and the spirit you send through your words. You helped me through it. Thanks for helping a stranger. I still pray for you. Everyday.
ReplyDeleteI love this song/video. I don't know if you have seen it but Stephanie Neilson (the burn victim in the video) has a blog and it's amazing and very inspirational, much like yours! You should check it out! :)
ReplyDeletehttp://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com/
What an amazing and beautiful post. It is full of wisdom and insight. You are doing great. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting this video. It was wonderful.
ReplyDeleteYou don't know me, and I don't know you. But YOU are amazing.
ReplyDeleteLove this Ash. thanks for sharing, your blog always gets me deep in thought..Sure wish we lived in the same time and could run into each other at least once a year :)
ReplyDeleteKeep it up
I struggle with the view of everything happens for a reason and that those losses are from God. That God takes away the children or parents too early because it was their time. I believe as Cynthia Maestri (she loss her three Grandkids in a horrific accident on May 4, 2007, you can read their story at http://laderatimes.com/Coble_Diary.html) once wrote "God was grieving with us..." he does not cause us these trials. Things just happen and he is just as sad as us. He helps keep you warm when your tears freeze you up and keeps you company in your loss. Please don't take offense. I just cannot and utterly refuse to believe that God would give anyone trials of death of a child or a parent. There is not reason and not one person that wouldn't rather have their child back or parent back (in case of an early loss)and not one God that would prefer to give them back then him. But I have learned a lot, in my own loss and at times am more grateful for it then other times. Please do not think I am being hurtful. I just feel very strongly about that. You are as others do say am amazing person and I love your blog. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteI just recently found your blog on baby Maddie's mom's blog. You have such a beautiful family.
ReplyDeleteI bawled through the whole video. I absolutely love the post! I made a pretty good friend here and she lost her one year old boy on christmas day and I can't wait to show her this video. Love ya and I still pray for you and pat every single night. I hope some days you feel those prayers. Miss ya
ReplyDeleteWow. That video made me bawl. Sure wish you didn't have to hurt so bad. Wish I could take that hurt away....but that is what the Savior is for....and He can do a much better job of it than I could ever do.
ReplyDeleteAsh,I am so very,very proud of you...Love Mom
ReplyDeleteYour faith always lifts me up. You continue to amaze me. Thank you for sharing this song, it's exactly what I needed today. :)
ReplyDeleteWow, I hadn't heard or seen that video yet. Amazing.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. Thank you.
Abby
You are so sweet, Sidd! I love reading your posts because you know what is truly important in life. Sometimes I get caught up in things, such as teaching, that consume me and it is always such a sweet reminder to just slow down and focus on the importance of what I am doing instead of the little things that don't matter. Thanks for your constant example! I sure love ya.
ReplyDeleteKaylie
You truly are amazing and I always love reading your blog, you have such a way with words and have helped me become a better person (then again you always were such a good example to me while growing up, so I knew it would never change :) We are still thinking and praying for you guys and please know we love you!
ReplyDeleteI love Hilary weeks and my friend who lost her mom sent this to me! I love this post as I do all of them. Especially since I was frustrated today and this made me put things in perspective. Thanks ash!
ReplyDeleteSo, I've read your blog...for a while. I've never commented because everytime I tried I felt so naive in doing so. I read your post on strengthening vs. perfecting and thought, "I wish I was good enough to be perfected and not just strengthened." Then I had a miscarriage. But then again, ALL I had was a miscarriage, that seems so insignificant to your experience. When it happened I took your idea from your pay-it-forward program and decided I had to do something productive, so I croched 19 baby blankets for the still-borns and their parents at the hospital I delivered my son at. I was really thankful I had that theraputic tactic because being a fulltime student, having a husband who works full time and is also a full time student, and having our son as well meant there was really no time for grief. I still feel like I have no time for it. And as I saw this video I thought, "Pretty song, oh, look, there's Nie Nie...etc." until I saw the woman hold up the sign that said miscarriage. And I started to cry (and of course my husband is gone a business trip! lol). ANYWAY- I'm always grateful for my trials. They suck, but I know it's because He has faith in me, just like I have faith in him. I can't remember if I had that philosophy before I heard Elder Scott's talk or not, but it's one that I've held close through many trials. I used to think,"Well, He thinks I can handle this. Ok, if I have to go through this to bring someone so choice into this world, then fine. If I can handle it, then bring it on. On second thought, keep bringing it on." I thought also that if I'm strong enough to do this, then let me do this so someone else doesn't have to. Maybe that's me trying to be a hero, I don't know. But if this is what He sent me here to do, and if He says I can take it, then who better to know than Him, the one who created me? But it sucks sometimes, Ashley. It really does, you know? Not all the time, but sometimes it's just so darn hard. I've sat down trying to write you so many emails because you put it out there and few people do that, but I felt SO stupid doing so because, like I said, I didn't loose a child the way you did. I'm a very open person, but it's hard to find someone else that reciprocates that. I really REALLY appreciate your openness.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog. My husband keeps telling me to stop reading peoples blogs who have lost babies, but I can't help it. You gain so much wisdom from women who suffer through these trials. I get heart broken anytime I read something. I worry about "what if we lost a child? what if we have a child stillborn? what if I suffered a miscarriage? how would I survive?" My husband loves MoTab, so that is what plays in our van constantly and while I was out tonight the song "Come, come ye saints" came on and suddenly I realized what tremendous faith and power is given to women who lose a child. "Why should we mourn or think our lot is hard? Tis not so; all is right. Why should we think to earn a great reward if we now shun the fight? Gird up your loins; fresh courage take. our God will never us forsake; And soon we'll have this tale to tell - All is well! All is well!" I don't know how to explain it, but I now have (even more than before) and overwhelming love for women, like yourself, who grow from such hard trials into even more beautiful women. You bring me such strength and teach me to have trust in the Lord and His plan. I can't control everything, but I can learn to trust that all is well in His hands. Thanks Ashley.
ReplyDeleteAshley..God does TRUST that you can overcome this and in the process you have touched countless lives. How is it that this entry you posted is exactly what I needed to hear today and I will share it with many who I know will be lifted by it. "Beautiful Heartbreak" are two very powerful words. I pray for strength and peace for you and your family each day and thank God for the gift of beauty, encouragement and enlightenment you so generously share. God bless you sweet Ashley.
ReplyDeleteThank you.
ReplyDeleteThis song is so beautiful ... It adds so much perspective to the meaning of life and our purpose here on earth. Time and time again I am so grateful for The Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life. We share the same faith/religion and it is that faith that sustains us and gives deeper meaning to the pain that we all must feel in order to develop Christ like love, compassion and understanding. If we let it, heartache can lead us to love and peace beyond measure. Thank you for your inspirational blog. Some days it offers me a reminder that my life and personal trials have a purpose far greater than I am able to understand in this mortal life. Everything we go through leads us back to Him and helps us become more like Him, our Savior.
ReplyDeleteAshley, this is a beautiful post. You are an amazing writer. You really help people feel what you are feeling through your words and I can tell it is a healing process. I enjoy your blog so much.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Chynna
tychynhansen.blogspot.com
I have been following your blog since Preslee was in the hospital. I had a little boy that drowned at the same age and also was on life support for one week. I have marveled at your ability to put your feelings into words. My little boy died many years ago (25) but I can still remember the feelings I had especially as I read your pain. At first I wanted to tell you that it gets better and eventually easier but I knew at the time you would never believe it. But now I sense a healing and a moving on, something I knew would happen with time. I appreciate your stength and your willingness to find what our Father desires for you to learn through this experience. I am amazed as I read your words how much our feelings and emotions are the same and then I realized that all mothers probably hurt the same. I remember writing in my journal "There are no words that can describe the pain in my heart, I feel as though my heart is truly broken". One thing remains true after all these years-we are forever changed. Losing a child makes us a different person (for bettr or for worse). Thank you for allowing others into your heart.
ReplyDeleteash, I am always so touched by your posts. This song is so perfect! I love hilary weeks! I hope you know that everyday I try to be a better mother and love my babies just a little longer because of all your great words...thank you for your inspiration. Praying daily for you and your beautiful family. love ya
ReplyDeleteOh hon, what a GREAT perspective! Thank you for that talk too! WOW! Love the music video! We just bought her new CD! LOVE it!
ReplyDeleteLove ya tons!
You are incredible Ashley. Just want to let you know: )
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post, Ashley. I cried all the way through the video, but I loved it! It's a wonderful reminder of what's truly important.
ReplyDeleteMy wife follows your blog and is inspired by your faith. Your comments remind me of the the book series by Salt Lake potter and former bishop Ben Behunin. The first book of three is called Remembering Isaac. A great read for all but especially anyone who experiences loss. Thanks for inspiring and for being willing to share!!! Blessings, the Batt family
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. Your words really touch my heart and you are blessing to many. Keep writing and sharing. God bless you and your family.
ReplyDelete