There are some trials that are quite obvious for the outside world to see: a death in the family, a hospital stay, a divorce, or a major illness or injury. Then there are trials that may not be quite as obvious. When a family is struggling through a financial crisis, those on the outside may not immediately be aware of the problem. The judgement, fear and shame that come with financial struggles often leave those family members hiding their pain.
When you become aware of a friend of family member that is facing financial difficulties, it can seem impossible for you to know how to properly support them. Today we are delighted to have Laura Neibaur share with us some of her personal experience with financial difficulties. Her experience and vulnerability will help supply you with a better sense of what can be helpful to those close to us who are going through a financial crisis.
Laura and her husband James have been married for 13 years. They have seven children and very recently moved from Denver to a big farm in the mountains of Idaho. Their first child was born with a birth defect called gastroschisis. He became their “half-a-million-dollars-baby" with all of the medical bills from his surgery and hospital stay.
They both graduated from college and headed to Denver with two kids, a year’s worth of savings, and a wonderful job lined up for James. The day James was supposed to start work, he was laid off. This began many years of really bad luck and trials. After three business attempts failed, through no fault of their own, they were in a very scary situation. Laura said they were incredibly embarrassed and ashamed and didn’t want anyone to know or to ask anyone for help. The stress of having their power shut off, having to buy used clothes that were covered in cat urine for their children, having little food at times and having their third little boy in and out of the ER for many months led to Laura becoming incredibly sick. Her appearance changed, she was in constant pain and she couldn’t take care of her children.
Laura said, “I wouldn’t trade what I leaned. All of these experiences made us so much more compassionate of other people. We were brought so low that we could never look down on anyone else. Everything worldly, even our health, was taken from us. Wonderful blessings have come to us since those years and, miraculously, I am completely healed with no serious, lasting scars. The greatest blessing were the lessons we learned.”
What were some things that were said to you during your financial difficulties that were helpful or uplifting to you?
We appreciated when people took time to understand what was really going on without passing judgement first. We appreciated people who tried to find the good in the situation. There were dear friends who were our friends even though we couldn’t afford to do anything fun with them. One of my dearest friends comes from a very wealthy family. She never treated me differently than anyone else. She even spent time with me at my tiny little townhouse and wanted to be my friend, not because of what I had in life, but because of who I was.
Were there certain things that were said to you or your family during this time that were hurtful?
The hardest part of this trial was probably the judgement. Even from well-meaning family members, we received comments that made me cry myself to sleep at night and feel terrible shame. We finally had to get on food stamps and some people judged us for that. A close relative once told me I should not be pregnant if we were too poor to support them. That baby we had was the only joyful thing that came out of that entire year. He’s eight now, and still brings us joy. We’ve tried to give back in every possible way, but at the time, we needed some compassion, not criticism. A lot of people assumed that we were in that situation because we had been stupid with money. There were MANY things we wished we’d known before going through this trial, but 90% of it was not our fault.
The hardest part of this trial was probably the judgement. Even from well-meaning family members, we received comments that made me cry myself to sleep at night and feel terrible shame. We finally had to get on food stamps and some people judged us for that. A close relative once told me I should not be pregnant if we were too poor to support them. That baby we had was the only joyful thing that came out of that entire year. He’s eight now, and still brings us joy. We’ve tried to give back in every possible way, but at the time, we needed some compassion, not criticism. A lot of people assumed that we were in that situation because we had been stupid with money. There were MANY things we wished we’d known before going through this trial, but 90% of it was not our fault.
Can you tell us about some acts of service that meant a lot to your family when you were struggling financially?
Even though it was really hard to accept charity and we felt embarrassed receiving it…every little thing meant so much! A nail polish. A pretty pillow to go on my ugly couch. A hand-me-down outfit that still had good wear. There were people who knew our trials and made a really nice Christmas for my sweet little boys who had nothing that year and wanted Tonka trucks. People brought us boxes of food and left them on our doorstep. The night we ran out of food, a lady from church showed up with a big pan of corned beef and cabbage. It’s our favorite meal to this day. Some people randomly sent gift cards. But, really, just being a friend and withholding judgment was the kindest gift we received. We appreciated people who tried to help us find employment, but more than anything those who actually provided us with odd jobs like a summer job on a farm or few weeks fixing a fence…anything helps!
Even though it was really hard to accept charity and we felt embarrassed receiving it…every little thing meant so much! A nail polish. A pretty pillow to go on my ugly couch. A hand-me-down outfit that still had good wear. There were people who knew our trials and made a really nice Christmas for my sweet little boys who had nothing that year and wanted Tonka trucks. People brought us boxes of food and left them on our doorstep. The night we ran out of food, a lady from church showed up with a big pan of corned beef and cabbage. It’s our favorite meal to this day. Some people randomly sent gift cards. But, really, just being a friend and withholding judgment was the kindest gift we received. We appreciated people who tried to help us find employment, but more than anything those who actually provided us with odd jobs like a summer job on a farm or few weeks fixing a fence…anything helps!
Were there any actions from others that have been hurtful to you or your family?
We noticed that once we were no longer “cool” because we didn’t have worldly things, we lost some friends. People didn’t want our advice or thought we didn’t have much to offer so we were left out of a lot. Truthfully, we did have a lot to offer and we needed friends and kindness more than anything. It was also awkward with some people who did know our situation…I felt like I had to justify anything I purchased. Don’t assume people aren’t trying everything! Sometimes we just get the short straw in life and it takes some time to figure things out.
We noticed that once we were no longer “cool” because we didn’t have worldly things, we lost some friends. People didn’t want our advice or thought we didn’t have much to offer so we were left out of a lot. Truthfully, we did have a lot to offer and we needed friends and kindness more than anything. It was also awkward with some people who did know our situation…I felt like I had to justify anything I purchased. Don’t assume people aren’t trying everything! Sometimes we just get the short straw in life and it takes some time to figure things out.
How would you suggest going about bringing up your desire to help a loved one who you suspect is struggling financially?
I think the most important thing would be to let them maintain dignity when you talk about it. They might not want to discuss details, or they may open up and spill their guts. If I felt like the person was trying to relate a little and genuinely cared, rather than, "possibly" relishing in the fact that they were not in the same situation, it was usually very clear. Sometimes I needed to know I still had worth in their eyes, beyond my financial situation. It was one of those trials in which I really did want to know I wasn’t all alone and maybe even hear hopeful, realistic stories and see a light at the end of the tunnel. One friend ask occasionally how things were going, she would also encourage me to look forward to fun things in our future. She also made me feel good about other aspects in my life. She’d ask my advice on decorating or parenthood or baking. Funny thing, now I give lots of financial advice and help people with the very thing that was so hard for me once. No one wants to be defined by one trial in their lives, or one situation. Those experiences help define our futures but they don’t always show the best of ourselves at the time.
I think the most important thing would be to let them maintain dignity when you talk about it. They might not want to discuss details, or they may open up and spill their guts. If I felt like the person was trying to relate a little and genuinely cared, rather than, "possibly" relishing in the fact that they were not in the same situation, it was usually very clear. Sometimes I needed to know I still had worth in their eyes, beyond my financial situation. It was one of those trials in which I really did want to know I wasn’t all alone and maybe even hear hopeful, realistic stories and see a light at the end of the tunnel. One friend ask occasionally how things were going, she would also encourage me to look forward to fun things in our future. She also made me feel good about other aspects in my life. She’d ask my advice on decorating or parenthood or baking. Funny thing, now I give lots of financial advice and help people with the very thing that was so hard for me once. No one wants to be defined by one trial in their lives, or one situation. Those experiences help define our futures but they don’t always show the best of ourselves at the time.
How is your family doing today?
One of the biggest lessons we learned from this was how to get out of it. After many, many years and a lot of bad luck I decided I had to figure something out. We spent two years researching debt, savings, and budgeting, and learning everything we could about how to help ourselves. We worked so hard those years and met each and every one of those goals. Our financial situation is very different now. I’m so glad we went through that so we can help other people and so we can look at them differently. Sometimes all a person needs is a little love and some knowledge. I want anyone who is struggling financially to know that there is hope!
We are thankful for Laura’s candidness to help us become a bit more confident in helping a loved one going through financial difficulties. We want to reiterate the idea that sometimes all that is needed is a little love and that even just the little things help. If someone in your tribe is struggling financially, the most important thing you can do is to show up! Be there for them with any judgements left at the door.
To follow Laura and her family’s journey at their new mountain home in Idaho, check out her blog at https://ponycreekfarm.blogspot.com/.
Gift Ideas
- Gift cards
- Food donations
- Small, personalized presents like nail polish or hand-me-down clothing
- A listening, non-judgmental ear
- Invitations to free or low-cost activities
