Most people know that upwards of 25 percent of recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage, but did you know that less than 5 percent of those women will go on to have recurrent miscarriages? When someone you love losses a pregnancy, or two, or maybe even more, it is hard to know what to say or do. As their arm’s ache over never having a chance to hold the little life they were growing, your heart aches as you struggle to know how to support them.
Aleatha Child has been pregnant seven times, but only has two living children which she calls her rainbows. A rainbow baby is a baby born after a miscarriage, stillbirth or infant loss. Her rainbow son was born after 3 miscarriages, one of which was a second trimester loss and another which was an ectopic pregnancy. When her son was about a year old, she suffered two more losses before welcoming her daughter. Having been through multiple miscarriages, Aleatha has some wonderful advice for us about how to support someone who is having, or has had, a miscarriage.
What have people said to you that has been helpful throughout your experience?
The words that were helpful for me were pretty simple:
“I'm here for you.”
"I'm sorry.”
"You’re not alone.”
"You will have that angel baby.”
"I hope you get your rainbow baby one day.”
Know you are not alone. There are others that feel your pain, and their words can be very comforting. There are support groups everywhere, in person and on social media, so reach out! Don't go through this alone!
We know people mean well, but they don't always say the most helpful things. Are there certain things that have been said to you that have been hurtful?
Things that were hurtful were generally when people were trying to minimize or dismiss my pain. Things like:
“Well, at least it wasn't a still birth.”
"You didn't know the gender so it’s nothing.”
"You can always get pregnant again.”
"At least you didn't have to do a funeral.”
"Others have had worse; what you’re going through is nothing.”
"At least you can get pregnant.”
That last one was especially painful. Yes, I can get pregnant easily, but it is very difficult for me to have a successful pregnancy. People will also ask me why I still grieve over my miscarriages, as I do have two living children. Each of my pregnancies was different, and I felt a bond with each of them. I still miss them and wonder what they would look and be like.
Are there any specific acts of service that have meant the world to you?
The basic things like bringing meals and taking my children so I could rest were always helpful. Having company come over to watch funny movies with me and eat snacks was great. There was one special lady who brought me an angel necklace, which I wore every day. Together we made an angel art project for me to hang in my home. She helped me find support groups, activities, and a support line that I could call.
Again, good intentions don't always come across as helpful. Has there been any actions from others that have been hurtful to you or your family?
There were not any specific things that were done that were hurtful to myself or my family. I do want to point out, though, that during my losses watching any shows or movies with loss, or really any shows that are tear-jerkers, were not good for me. I would only recommend watching happy or funny shows with someone going through a miscarriage.
We want to say thank you to Aleatha for helping us feel more confident in how we can help a loved one going through a miscarriage. As always, we remind you that the most important thing you can do is to show up! Be there for your friend or family member who is going through a difficult time! Be their tribe and love them hard.
Gift Ideas:
0 comments:
Post a Comment