When Michelle was 21 weeks pregnant with their first child, her dad was involved in a hunting accident. After being pinned under a four wheeler for nearly 32 hours, her father passed away a week later from complications from the accident. For four years now Michelle has been trying to make sense of what it means to live in this world without her dad.
Q: What were some of the most helpful things friends or family did for you?
A: “When someone dies, not only does school, work, church, and friends go on the back burner, but you are so overwhelmed with emotion and uncertainty that you forget that most basic level of functioning, to eat. I found it helpful when people brought meals so that I could focus my energy on other things. That being said, I do feel like a lot of food was wasted because of the outpouring of meals brought to us in such a concentrated amount of time. To avoid this, when I bring someone a meal, I bring it in one of those gray oven/freezer safe containers. If it is not needed that day, they can freeze it and have it a month later when the reality of their loss has sunk in. Another good idea was a gift card to a restaurant. We didn't use it for quite a while, but when we did it was because we needed a change and to get out of the house.”
“Another one of my friends invited me to come to the gym with her each day. At the end, we would sit in the ab area pretending to workout and she would ask questions and help me process what I was experiencing. Looking back, there were few times that I allowed us to talk in depth. I would always end up crying and tell her I wanted to change the subject. She always made me feel like that was okay, and then wasn’t scared to ask me about it later, which I did want. I was able to discover my limits in a safe environment, without feeling like I was burdening my family.”
“A friend of my husband gave me and my siblings journals to dedicate only thoughts and impressions we had related to our dad. In the front, she glued in the following Poem by Leah Hendrie, This journal gave me a positive place to write my emotions. Because I lost my dad in such a traumatic way, there are often things I think about but feel I can’t say because if my family is not already thinking it, I don’t want to make them sad. Writing down those thoughts in a journal allowed me to have a release from those emotions. I knew they were there if I needed to refer to them, but for the time being, I could let them go.”
(Poem available to download below)
Q: Though people usually have good intentions, is there anything people say that is more hurtful than helpful?
A: “To this day, only my three siblings and my mother are able to say, “your dad would have wanted…” without me turning into Hulk in two seconds flat. About a month ago my husband jokingly made a comment about how the reason my dad didn’t like us to drive his truck was because of how messy my car was. Although he was joking, I burst into tears and told him he had no right to tell me what my dad may have thought. Portraying what you think someone's deceased parent may have thought is not only confusing, but it is a reminder that their parent isn’t there to speak for themselves. It can also cause conflicting emotions. I was already overwhelmed trying to do everything I thought my dad would have wanted, trying to manage conflicting input from others only made it worse. I felt I couldn’t ignore the advice, "just in case,” after all, I wanted to honor my dad.”
Q: After we lost our daughter, many of our relationships with friends and family changed. Did you experience anything similar?
A: “I watched people crawl out of hidden places to express their love for me and my dad. Previous to my dad’s accident, if you had asked me to identify my support system, it would have looked completely different than it did after his funeral. Stand up and be accounted for. If you want to be part of that person's support system, tell them. EVERY SINGLE relationship that I had before I lost my dad changed in a week. Meer acquaintances became best friends, father figures shriveled up and hid, and best friends became family. Remember that by not doing anything, you are doing something.”
“I will live the remainder of my life without a father, and I can’t change that. What I can do is help others in similar situations. With each person I help I feel my dads spirit grow stronger in my life. If I can help with your situation, please feel free to contact me at bryansdaughter.com. My family took on the motto: "Love, Service, and Endurance." As we love and serve one another, we will have the strength to endure with grace the trials that come our way.”
Website: Michelle blogs {here}
Gift Ideas:
- Freezer meals. (It’s awesome if it can be delivered in a pan that doesn’t need to be returned!)
- Journal, you can buy one {here}. Print the poem below. Click the arrow in top right corner to download. Once the document is open, resize printable to fit inside the journal cover. Glue the poem inside the front cover.
*Note: This person’s experience is their own, and doesn’t always represent someone in a similar situation. Please be kind.
Wondering what this post is all about? Click {here} for the intro post.
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