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Home Ashley grief Ledger Popular Posts Preslee Dear Grief,

Dear Grief,

Dear Grief,

You’ve been a frequent visitor in our home over the past three years, and there’s much to hate about you. You’re sneaky and selfish. I feel you could care less about me, and my family, and attack when only you see best. When you’re finished with us, we’re left emotionally and physically drained. It’s been three long years, and I still dread each one of your visits

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(Sculptor: Martin Hudáček - Slovakia)

Though you don’t visit as much as you used to, I’m getting better at giving you less of a reaction. But there are still times you get the better of me, like your last visit. I was washing dishes with my two year old playing at my feet. I glanced out the window and watched snow fall, which reminded me that my daughter’s Birthday was less than a month away. BAM, just like that, I felt you pounce.

The tears fell, and it felt like you punched me in the stomach. The tears began to flow faster as the gut wrenching heartache consumed me. I tried to push away thoughts of planning a Birthday party, but struggled to do so. Suddenly, the pain seemed just as intense as it was following her death. My steady tears turned to into an ugly cry, which not only surprised me, but my toddler as well. I heard him say in a very small voice: “Momma, be happy… please.” And though I was embarrassed he witnessed such an episode, the moment he wrapped his arms around my leg, and I heard, “I wub you,” I realized I now have something I didn’t used to have that very first year we met, I now have a tool, a defense mechanism, I now have children who help soften the pain.

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Hoping to get rid of you - grief, I scooped Ledger into my arms and kissed his squishy cheeks, held his little hands, and desperately tried to explain why Momma was sad, but it didn’t take long to realize he didn’t understand.
Later that night, as I laid in bed, after I had somehow managed to get rid of you, I secretly acknowledged that I need you in my life. Even though I’m forced to have a relationship with you, a small part of me is grateful for your visits. In many ways, you’re the strongest connection I have left to my daughter. I understand it’s you who keeps her memories alive, and the pain you inflict reminds me that she was real, she lived, and she was loved. For that alone, I am more understanding of what your role is.

So I plead, even beg, please have compassion on me at times, I now realize you’ll be apart of my life until the very end. And sometimes that is just too overwhelming to think about.
Sincerely,
A desperate grieving Momma
// Labels: Ashley, grief, Ledger, Popular Posts, Preslee
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20 comments:

  1. mrs gillDecember 11, 2013 at 6:58 AM

    That's one of the most touching things you've ever written. So beautiful.. x

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  2. SarahDecember 11, 2013 at 9:01 AM

    Amazing post! So much is in there. I cried but felt joy and such sorrow. I am so sorry :(

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  3. Ashley ZieglerDecember 11, 2013 at 9:06 AM

    I love this, so powerful. I'm so sorry that your heart still aches. I lost someone near and dear, and it's been almost 5 years and I still get powerful grieving moments like this, and I too plead for some ease. And that is why I am grateful for the power of the Holy Ghost, and the Atonement so I can feel a little bit comforted through those trying times. I appreciate you sharing your struggles because it helps me become stronger.

    C.S. Lewis wrote a book called Screwtape Letters and it talks about how the Devil works to tear us down, and I had a seminary lesson on it once. At the end we all wrote letters to Satan on how he CAN'T tear us down, and I think you shared a perfect example. You have your beautiful family to use against the hard adversary. And it's amazing how much it helps, but like you said, it's also good that we have the grieving because it helps us work through the process of losing someone.

    Keep going, we're all grateful for you!
    xoxo

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  4. ReenieDecember 11, 2013 at 9:11 AM

    Beautiful.

    xo

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  5. BeverlyDecember 11, 2013 at 9:17 AM

    I cried with you. How sweet and precious of Ledger. How much he loves you made me cry. Your words are so touching and real. Thank you for sharing with us. We all love you too.

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  6. ~ErinDecember 11, 2013 at 9:28 AM

    Im in tears for you reading this. Im sooooo sorry you had to even write this post. GIANT HUGS!!

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  7. LoraDecember 11, 2013 at 9:33 AM

    Prayers for you today, and every day.

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  8. UnknownDecember 11, 2013 at 10:13 AM

    Sweet Ashley, Oh how I understand this sweet letter on many different levels. Grief is truly one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life too. As you said, it will always be a part of our lives....a constant companion following us everywhere we go. Yet as you said it validates that our littles ones did and do live. I hate that Miles' life seems like the best dream ever. I know he lived and he continues to just as your sweet Preslee does. The holidays truly are so hard. Such a bittersweet time! Sending so much love your way!!!

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  9. Auntie EMDecember 11, 2013 at 10:47 AM

    Same here, tears for you and your loss, tears for what should have or might have been, tears for knowing it will all be ok someday and tears knowing that no matter how good we are or how worthy we are to have blessing, grief and sorrow will come to us. Losing a child in unimaginable for most of us but loss is something we will all have to experience. With me, I did not lose a child. But I lost my husband and both parents within 7 months. Then, we lost our little Makenzie Webster later that same year. But the Lord has blessed my family with 9 babies since all that loss, with little Tracker Webster as the most recent and my own Grandson born just a year after my mother passed away. The Lord knows our hearts and knows that we must move forward but I think the grief and sorrow somehow bings us to heaven. If we did not grieve or feel that tremendous sorrow and loss, heaven would not mean as much and we would not yearn with all our souls to be with them again. yes, we have work to do here...you must continue to be a wife and mother for your boys and any others that come along but your grief binds you to your lovely and beautiful Preslee. May grief take a vacation as you celebrate her life and what joy she brought to you. May your Christmas bring you peace and joy as we celebrate our Savior and His life and His triumph over death. Thank you my young friend for your honesty and wise words.

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  10. ShaeDecember 11, 2013 at 11:07 AM

    Simply beautiful.

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  11. Trisha LarsonDecember 11, 2013 at 12:19 PM

    Oh how I feel your words. Especially this time of year - Mr. Grief is even more present than usual. So glad to know that I'm not alone and grateful that Brady was born on Preslee's b-day. I will ALWAYS think of her :)

    Hugs,
    Trisha

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  12. UnknownDecember 11, 2013 at 2:23 PM

    so beautiful. you are amazingly strong. God bless your beautiful family!

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  13. angiedDecember 11, 2013 at 2:33 PM

    You are such an amazing writer. You explain so well the exact emotions that I too feel. Stupid, selfish grief. But yes, we need it. It is such an agonizing reminder of our sweet baby girls, but a reminder, and for that I too am grateful. To not feel pain and grief would be awful, it would make me feel like I was ok with Q and I am not. Thanks for this. Your words continue to carry me through my pain and sadness.

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  14. Linsey JacksonDecember 11, 2013 at 4:00 PM

    It is weird to think of Grief as a good reminder of those we've lost. But I really love the way you put it. It reminds you of her. That she did live and was loved. I love that part! You are so good with your writing. Thinking of your family always, during this Christmas season and with Preslee's birthday coming up. :) <3

    With Love,
    The Jackson's

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  15. heyhey6December 11, 2013 at 4:41 PM

    Spoken from the heart. It was beautiful! My heart broke with you reading it.

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  16. AshleighDecember 11, 2013 at 10:33 PM

    Bless your heart Ash! I am so sorry that you still have so much pain but I am sure that is something that you will always carry with you sadly.. But at least those memories will forever remain of your sweet baby girl of the time you did enjoy with her even if it wasnt long enough

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  17. Chatty NattyDecember 12, 2013 at 12:12 AM

    "I understand it’s you who keeps her memories alive, and the pain you inflict reminds me that she was real, she lived, and she was loved." And oh how she was loved and is loved by strangers wide and far. Love to you this holiday season.

    Nat

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  18. Chatty NattyDecember 12, 2013 at 12:12 AM

    Woops...did that publish twice??? Delete this and the duplicate if it did.

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  19. Katie WolfleyDecember 12, 2013 at 12:58 AM

    This is a beautifully written post. My heart broke while reading it. What a sweet tender mercy little Ledger was for you in that moment.

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  20. AutumnDecember 16, 2013 at 11:32 AM

    I am pasting a link into my comment of a blog. She is a dear friend of mine and writes of her greif of loosing her son. If you find some time read a few posts. You both are so inspirational. http://paintthesunrise.blogspot.com/2013/12/28-run-baby-run.html?spref=fb&m=1

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Hi, we're the Sullengers! Life turned upside down for us in 2010 when we lost our daughter in an accidental drowning. Since then, we've documented our highs (life with all five of our kids) and our lows (struggles with grief) but amongst everthing we've experienced, we know as long as we hold on to one another we can get through anything that comes our way. Read More. . .

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