After Preslee unexpectedly left this world, I no longer knew how to function. I was left childless and completely lost in life. I spent hours on my knees pleading, sobbing, and begging Heavenly Father to remove the constant ache that my arms and heart couldn’t seem to escape. Following each one of those prayers, I usually received the answer,
“Trust in Me.”
Trust in Him? There were moments I felt like I had done everything He had ever asked of me, and then suddenly my daughter was taken from me? I felt like I was being punished for a crime I never committed. How would I ever be happy again with such a big piece of my life missing? Trust didn’t always come easily for me.
As time passed by, I learned to deal with my grief, and slowly the sobbing and pleading disappeared from my prayers. Then just yesterday, three boys were determined to outdo their brothers' and compete for my sole attention. With two crying babies, and one clingy toddler, I ran around the house like a mad woman, attempting to juggle feeding, burping, bathing, dressing, diaper changing, (sooo many poopy diapers) and consoling all three boys. It seemed that I had at least one child crying at ALL times. And then Ledger decided to take it to another level, I was left with a broken lamp, along with laundry, bread, toys, and toilet paper strewn across the house. By mid afternoon I nearly lost it, and I had one of those parenting moments (probably due to a lack of sleep) when you just have to walk away…and that’s what I did, I slid out the back door- and appreciated the silence.
I said a little prayer, pleading for patience, and asking that I’d be able to give each child what they needed. I was feeling a little insecure, questioning if I could really handle two newborns at one time… And then I received the answer I hadn’t been given in quite some time.
“Trust in Me.”
And then I remembered.
I remembered sitting in Primary Children’s Hospital, realizing Preslee was never coming home with us. I remembered the pain, heartache, and tears I experienced for such a long time. I remembered the deafening silence that over took our home. I remembered everything I prayed for hoping one day it would change. I could be wrong, but I think as our Heavenly Father watched and listened to my prayers, His heart hurt for me, similar to how mine did when I took Preslee’s binky away. Even though He fully understood the pain I felt, I think He smiled at times, (or even chuckled) because He knew where I’d be in three short years.
Heavenly Father knew three years later, (almost to the very day), my arms would be filled to the max. Instead of crying due to the emptiness, there would be tears of frustration because I felt like I couldn’t be three places at once. He knew I would go from feeling like my life had no purpose to being so busy I wouldn’t have time to think about anything other than my kids. He knew I would find myself back in the thick of motherhood once again – exactly what I wanted. He’s literally given me everything I pleaded for (X’s 3), so it only makes sense that He would say,
“Trust in Me.”
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct thy paths. – Proverbs 3:5-6
Looking back over the last three years, I can definitely see that He directed my paths. My life has turned out so differently than I expected, but it has definitely turned into something beautiful once again.
Which makes me realize I have every reason to “Trust in Him.”