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Home Ashley grief Ledger Patrick Preslee The Beginning

The Beginning


On Monday, Ledger woke up crying in the middle of the night.
Pat said he'd take care of it, and returned a few seconds later, saying Ledger had thrown up several times. For the next couple of hours, Ledger constantly threw up, and twice all over Pat.

After we stripped his bedding, cleaned the floor, and established a system, I sent Pat to bed, and stayed up rocking Ledger.

From day one, Ledger refused to sleep anywhere other than his crib. Only on rare occasions has he fallen asleep in public. And before Monday night, I couldn't have told you the last time he slept in my arms. So I took advantage, and enjoyed holding him, rocking him, and watching him fall in and out of sleep.

While I was staring at his sweet little face, images of Primary Children's Medical Center (PCMC) with his older sister flashed back, and left me feeling incredibly anxious. I couldn't believe how much Ledger looked like Preslee, wearing only a diaper, wrapped in his favorite blanket. I kept thinking he was finally asleep, when he'd wake up crying, just to throw up again. And while I struggled thinking about his older sister's last week of life, I suddenly felt Preslee in the room next to us. Ledger did as well, and I watched his little body relax, fall asleep and he slept peacefully for the rest of the night. 

I sat there for a long time, with both of my kids next to me. I was overwhelmed with gratitude, thinking about how differently life turned out for us. Instead of having a 3 year old asleep in bed, Preslee was busy comforting her little brother and mom in the middle of the night.

This isn't our first experience with Preslee, and we've seen many blessings stem from having her in heaven. Today, we live in a world, where many people don't believe in God, or in life after death. And last night I couldn't help but realize the many tender mercies we've been given as a family.  We know God exists, along with His son Jesus Christ, who continually stays by our side.

We can testify that our relationship with Preslee did not end at the time of her death.
We've had many sacred and humbling experiences with her during the past two years which have changed us forever.

So I don't know why we were surprised when we pulled in to the cemetery on Sunday evening, and Ledger walked right up to the headstone, touched Preslee's picture, almost reverently babbled a few words, and then gave her a hug. I don't know why I'm often surprised to see the way he lights up every time we show him pictures or videos of his older sister. Monday night I realized he knows her, and will continue to know her. And I'm beginning to think in many ways, he will probably have a stronger relationship with her than if she would have been able to stay.



"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." - Joseph B Wirthlin

I'm beginning to realize this is just the beginning. 
// Labels: Ashley, grief, Ledger, Patrick, Preslee
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48 comments:

  1. BeverlyOctober 4, 2012 at 8:07 AM

    A beautiful post. It makes my heart overflow reading this post and know the things I believe happen to others. You have a beautiful family and Ledger brings tears to my eyes when I see him hug his sister who he obviously knows. Thank you for sharing such personal and beautiful moments from your life.

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  2. JeNnAOctober 4, 2012 at 8:54 AM

    I started writing and noticed the above post said exactly what I was writing. This really was a beautiful post Ashley... and very personal to share.... Thanks you!

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  3. AshdoppOctober 4, 2012 at 9:02 AM

    Thank you so much for sharing this special experience and you testimony.

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  4. KerriOctober 4, 2012 at 9:12 AM

    What a beautiful post. The gospel is such an amazing blessing!

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  5. Kristi RowleyOctober 4, 2012 at 9:17 AM

    Thank you for sharing such personal moments in your life. Beautiful post.

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  6. Rachel B.October 4, 2012 at 9:37 AM

    So beautiful. I am in tears. I am constantly amazed at your mature perspective. Thanks for sharing these sweet and personal stories. They are very inspiring.

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  7. Ashley ZieglerOctober 4, 2012 at 9:40 AM

    I love that quote!! Made me tear up!! I loved everything about this post. You are so amazing and I'm so grateful that you share experiences like this...

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  8. AnonymousOctober 4, 2012 at 9:46 AM

    Ashley this post resonates and speaks to the human heart that reads it. God not only works with you through Preslee but all of us out here who read your blog. It is not a coincidence, it is a blessing from Him for all of us no matter what the circumstances. You wrote this post beautifully for a reason. Thank you for sharing your trials.

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  9. Kennedy KlanOctober 4, 2012 at 10:16 AM

    What a very touching post. I have been left in tears over just how in tuned with the spirit you truly are. My heart was so full looking at the pictures of little ledger touching his beautiful sisters face. You are an amazing family Ashley. Thank you so much for this post, I have been so touched from it.

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  10. Trisha LarsonOctober 4, 2012 at 10:27 AM

    This is a beautiful post Ashley. It really touched me and made me think about if that is true with Nate. As I cuddle Brady, I often tell him how much I love him and also how much I miss his brother. It would be nice to know that Nate was right there with us. I will think twice about the bridge from Heaven and Earth :)

    Hugs,
    Trisha

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  11. OliaOctober 4, 2012 at 10:47 AM

    Hi, my friend posted a link to your blog on Facebook, and I just read a few pages. I don't know you, but my heart goes out to you. You guys are an incredible family, to pull through a loss like that with so much grace! It is inspiring. I just wanted to share that I have found a lot of comfort and peace and even joy in a book called "Life Everlasting: A Definitive Study of Life After Death", it is by an LDS author. It is incredible! I wish you all the best!

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  12. AnnaOctober 4, 2012 at 10:49 AM

    That's beautiful. Thank you for sharing!

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  13. Jamie LynnOctober 4, 2012 at 11:07 AM

    Just beautiful.....

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  14. Seeing Each DayOctober 4, 2012 at 11:21 AM

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful moment with us.

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  15. MichelleOctober 4, 2012 at 12:13 PM

    I am wiping the tears away as I type. Such a moving story. Thank you for sharing.

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  16. TiffanyOctober 4, 2012 at 12:32 PM

    Like the other two ladies said- beautiful post. We lost of our nine month old suddenly to a bacterial bloodstream infection and at the time our son was 2 years old... I have no doubt that Ellie looks over Max and the rest of us. Preslee is a great big sister!

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  17. Jared and Brielle RucksOctober 4, 2012 at 2:46 PM

    you have such a great gift to be able to write so beautifully the things of your heart. thank you for sharing.

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  18. Preston and KeriOctober 4, 2012 at 3:23 PM

    That post literally gave me chills and brought tears to my eyes! Thank you for sharing! I too am LDS so I know that their is life after death and I truly believe that our loved ones are watching over us! I lost my Grandma last year and I have felt her near by many times.
    It makes me sad for the people out there that don't know this! I'm so happy that you are able to share your amazing experiences with so many people. THANK YOU!

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  19. Janessa @ Treasure Hunting MommyOctober 4, 2012 at 3:49 PM

    Thank you for sharing this Ashley. Thank you so much.

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  20. RosalieOctober 4, 2012 at 3:51 PM

    How wonderful that she got to comfort you both that night! We are so VERY lucky to have the knowledge we have and the Plan of Salvation! Thank you for sharing! Can't wait for our next trip up north, we may have to make another stop...last time we visited Preslee her stone hadn't arrived...It's so beautiful in pictures, can't wait to see it in person!

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  21. SarahOctober 4, 2012 at 4:25 PM

    Thank you. Thank you so much for sharing this sweet, sacred experience. It made me tear up and brought a peace into my day.

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  22. JillOctober 4, 2012 at 5:07 PM

    Lovely post. I feel so blessed to be able to be on the Lord's side because I know he is on my side.
    Jill

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  23. Tiff RuddOctober 4, 2012 at 5:14 PM

    Absolutely beautiful post! Your spirit and testimony came through so strongly. I am constantly impressed by your strength and your ability to share the gospel in such a powerful but unassuming way. Thanks for sharing!

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  24. Running with kids....it's about making the time now!October 4, 2012 at 6:30 PM

    What a night!!! That was such a sweet moment that you got to have. I am impressed with you, being so calm and all, when my kids are throwing up, it's always in the middle of the night, and I am soooo tired, and so worried about them. I would love to feel calm, and know that I am being comforted.
    I know that the gospel is true, but instead of being in the moment, I just worry. I pray that it will end, end soon. I have a lot to learn. Preslee, sweet little girl is still teaching. You have a great family, and your kids are lucky to have such amazing parents.
    Thanks for sharing! I hope what I said made sense and didn't offend in any way-certainly not my intentions.
    Jessica

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  25. Crystal October 4, 2012 at 7:55 PM

    Beautiful. What a touching post, I have tears in my eyes. <3

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  26. CourtneyOctober 4, 2012 at 8:56 PM

    Beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

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  27. Lakeview Window CleaningOctober 4, 2012 at 10:52 PM

    My heart breaks and is full of gratitude for your ability to share with every post!! You don't know me, but I know many of your family. Thank you for sharing your beautiful story!

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  28. JessOctober 4, 2012 at 11:19 PM

    So very special. Thank you for sharing.

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  29. UnknownOctober 4, 2012 at 11:26 PM

    yes, thank you for sharing Ashley! Very touching and insightful.

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  30. ShellyOctober 5, 2012 at 9:48 AM

    so sweet!!!!!

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  31. The Shegrud FamilyOctober 5, 2012 at 11:20 AM

    I have been reading your blog for more than a year now, but this post struck such a chord with me!! I am so thankful to you for sharing such a special, sacred experience! I truly believe that our loved ones who have gone before surround us in times of our greatest need! Thank you so much for letting all of us read about your personal experiences! I have never lost a child, but please know that I hug my four kids tighter each day because I have the blessing of reading about your experiences!

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  32. KimberleeOctober 5, 2012 at 1:15 PM

    Thank you for sharing your testimony with us. I love you, you teach me, you strengthen my testimony with your honesty and your experiences. Tender Mercies...Tender Mercies. My husbands father was killed in a tragic accident when he was only 6 months old. There have been many times in his life when he KNEW his dad was with him. He cherishes those. Thank you for the uplift today.

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  33. Jared & ShannonOctober 5, 2012 at 3:23 PM

    That was so beautiful! Thanks for sharing!

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  34. ChelseaOctober 5, 2012 at 4:30 PM

    There is nothing sweeter than feeling the presence of those on the other side. I too am so thankful for these experiences. What a precious story to share. You are a beautiful example to all.

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  35. Melissa FrenchOctober 5, 2012 at 4:51 PM

    I think so so so often about our many conversations we had our last semester about Preslee. I felt her then in such a humbling way and I am so grateful you feel her in your life still. She will be such a teacher to your future children, such a companion, and such a friend. How amazing to know she will always be near them, especially at times when you cannot be! And when all of your children are reunited someday it will be a beautiful, beautiful experience.

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  36. UnknownOctober 5, 2012 at 9:21 PM

    We have been to PCMC many many times since Sweet Preslee. And I can tell you not only does she keep an eye and a loving watch over Ledger, But she has been there many nights with Tanner. As a matter of fact one of his nurses thought that Preslee was his sister! Our Family is so lucky to have known Preslee and to have her watching over my boys. Thank you Ashley. Thank you Pat. We love you guys and Tanner still talks about you Pres and Ledger EVERYDAY. She left quiet an impression on that boy<3<3

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  37. JillOctober 5, 2012 at 11:30 PM

    I keep reading this post over and over. Such a precious experience, and your testimony is inspiring. I also wanted to tell you about my aunt's experience. She lost her little boy in an accident when he was a toddler, and even now, over 20 years later, she still feels his presence when he comes to "visit" now and then. I hope you, too, have many more experiences like this over the years.

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  38. Quinn, Allison, Rylee and Cailyn McNamaraOctober 6, 2012 at 1:40 AM

    Thank you for sharing this beautiful, sacred experience. And thank you for sharing the Joseph B. Worthlin quote; it's exactly what I needed to hear tonight. I struggle with a huge loss in my life - not the death of a loved one, but a loss that feels crushing and suffocating at times and for which I have shed many tears over the years. The gospel is beautiful.
    Than you for being a beacon of light in my life. You and your blog have helped me many many times over the past couple of years.

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  39. JannetOctober 6, 2012 at 9:12 AM

    Your posts are always so beautiful and inspiring. Thank you!

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  40. Kelli KOctober 6, 2012 at 9:40 AM

    Your family is such an inspiration. I have tears in my eyes and chills up and down my arms. I have a 6 month old boy and every time I read your blog I am reminded to hug him a little tighter. Thank you for continuing to write your story!

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  41. MindeeOctober 6, 2012 at 4:11 PM

    Beautiful post ash! What an amazing strong testimony you have! Thanks for sharing it with all of us

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  42. CourtneyOctober 6, 2012 at 5:42 PM

    Once again, absolutely beautiful Ashley! Thanks for sharing your personal experiences. So uplifting and encouraging! Xoxo -Courtney Gibbons-

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  43. TarynOctober 7, 2012 at 7:00 AM

    So beautiful. You have touched my heart and soul. Thank you for sharing some of your sacred moments and the things you are learning along the way. You are blessing many lives each time you open your heart to the world. Thank you. Thank you.

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  44. AnonymousOctober 7, 2012 at 9:10 AM

    You are an amazing person Ashley and I find myself questioning my own faith everytime I peek in here. You make me want to become a better parent and not take so much for granted. You ground me and continue to make me realize there is no greater love than God! Thankyou again, for your inspiration and testimonies.

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  45. Chatty NattyOctober 7, 2012 at 6:37 PM

    Ash- this is just beautiful. Thanks for your honesty and willingness to share. XOXOXO

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  46. ReenieOctober 11, 2012 at 9:48 AM

    WOW!! Beautiful ~ xo

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  47. Kristina LewisOctober 12, 2012 at 7:43 AM

    Your words give me hope. Thank you.

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  48. PaigeJanuary 16, 2014 at 1:25 PM

    I know this is an old post, but it reminded me of something my friend told me. Her brother (whom I was good friends with) died 4 years and 11 months ago at the age of 24. his niece was only 1 at the time, and now she is 5 or 6. She will randomly talk about "Matt", who was her uncle that died. She barely knew him, yet speaks of him a lot. When his sister was at the store the other day, she saw a lady reading a book that she used to read to him as a child. It's amazing how they know to pop up at times just to comfort us or say hello.

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Hi, we're the Sullengers! Life turned upside down for us in 2010 when we lost our daughter in an accidental drowning. Since then, we've documented our highs (life with all five of our kids) and our lows (struggles with grief) but amongst everthing we've experienced, we know as long as we hold on to one another we can get through anything that comes our way. Read More. . .

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