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Home Ashley grief Preslee Hope

Hope

Today was a hard day. Last night, Preslee appeared in my dreams. I hate dreaming of her. I know that sounds horrible, but I hate waking up and not having her with us. I hate realizing what reality really is. I feel like I'm saying goodby all over again.

I haven't had a day like this in a long time. And then it reminded me how far I've come. It reminded me that what I felt today, used to be my "normal." But now, the good days outweigh the bad and I realize the horrible days won't last forever.

It seems like I'm constantly being introduced to new stories of people losing loved ones, especially children. So today, I want to pass on a little hope.

Right after Preslee died, I remember feeling like I would never be happy again. I was slowly slipping into a deep dark hole. There was a sick horrible feeling that permanently resided in my stomach, and I wondered if it would ever go away. My thoughts were consumed with everything we had just experienced, and I longed to escape such thoughts with sleep. But sleep didn't come easily for me or my husband, we would both lay awake for hours. We began to live life on autopilot as we did what was required of us, and rarely anything else, mostly because we were just too emotionally and physically exhausted.

In the midst of trying to survive, we received a gift from another mom who had also buried her sweet little girl. In a letter she had written, she told me to hang on, because there was hope. She acknowledged the pain I was feeling, and proceeded to tell me there would be a day in the future when I would be happy again. Yes, truly happy. That a couple of years later, she could now fall off her chair from laughing so hard. She left me feeling so hopeful. And today was the day I realized that lately, I too have felt that same happiness that the letter focused on.

And to all of you who have recently lost someone, I want to do the same for you. There really can be hope in your future, even though I know you don't feel like it's possible. I now find myself laughing, and I hear Patrick laugh more often. We even laugh together, which was rare for such a long time. That sick feeling in my stomach is no longer a constant, but rather comes and goes, just like it did today. I still think about Preslee a big majority of the day, but there are less tears involved. As time passes, I'm learning to incorporate her into my day in my own little way, finding ways I can still feel like I'm her mom.

And lately, I've caught myself smiling at more memories, rather than crying. It's always been tough for me to look at the playground in the park across the street. I'd avoid driving past it at all costs. But this week, I found myself smiling as I passed it. Sweet memories flooded my mind of the many hours Pres and I spent there. Especially thinking of pushing Preslee on the swings and of her chasing an older boy kicking a soccer ball while screaming "Ba, ba" (meaning ball) The memories are really beginning to be sweet, rather than bitter.



Grieving is a journey, and you'll find many different ways to cope. I think of so many of you on a daily basis, and pray for you. My heart will always go out to those who so desperately long to be a mom, because I truly know how painful it is. Sometimes I feel guilty blogging so much about Ledger, because before he was born, I tried to avoid the blogs who were always blogging about their kids. It was just too painful to read. I promise, if you invite the Savior into your life, He'll bring you out of that deep hole you find yourself in today, and happiness will play a role in your life once again.

Love,
Ashley
// Labels: Ashley, grief, Preslee
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26 comments:

  1. Berry TauferFebruary 26, 2012 at 5:13 PM

    I absolutely love reading everything you post on your blog! About Preslee, Ledger, or anything else! You have a wonderful way w/ words and are able to touch so many people in ways you may never know! Keep writing what you feel, when you feel it, you never know who you are helping on any given day! :) Your family has been in our prayers for a while now & will continue to be!

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  2. Berry TauferFebruary 26, 2012 at 5:14 PM

    I absolutely love reading everything you post on your blog! About Preslee, Ledger, or anything else! You have a wonderful way w/ words and are able to touch so many people in ways you may never know! Keep writing what you feel, when you feel it, you never know who you are helping on any given day! :) Your family has been in our prayers for a while now & will continue to be!

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  3. AmandaFebruary 26, 2012 at 6:01 PM

    You have a great way with words and are very inspiring. My little boy was born a month before Ledger and born with a serious intestinal birth defect. Life has been hard for me. Sometimes I wonder how I can live the rest of my life like this, or how my baby can be asked to live like this. Although our situations are SO different, I find hope through your blog. Through your words and through your testimony. Thanks so much. I know you have helped and touched so many people in different trials we are called to bear.
    --Amanda E

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  4. Jacob and Kimberly PalmerFebruary 26, 2012 at 6:26 PM

    This is what I needed to hear today. Sometimes I feel like I should be stronger or doing better than I am, but lately I've been struggling. It's been 3 months since my twins died and I ache to be their mommy, and I know I'm their mom but I ache to do all of the mom stuff I'm supposed to do. Not go to the cemetery to visit my sweet boys. Thank you for your post today. I'm sorry it was a hard day.

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  5. KaseyFebruary 26, 2012 at 6:46 PM

    Love your post. I am glad you are feeling of that hope and happiness. Also your little boy is simply adorable. He looks so much like his sister. Thanks for always being such an inspiration and sharing your testimony.

    love Kasey

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  6. Abby LevissFebruary 26, 2012 at 7:03 PM

    My little boy passed away 7 months ago and I can hardly breathe. I don't even go through all of the motions, because I can't. Today I put on clothes to go to the gym but I never got off the couch, except to go to the bathroom, all day. I keep asking my husband if he thinks it is possible that we will ever be happy again. He says he does. It is good to read it here. Preslee was BEAUTIFUL. I am so sorry that you have bad days from time to time but I am sure there is also something healthy about crying your eyes out still. I look forward to the day that I am not doing it constantly. Thank you.

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  7. White Place Flea MarketFebruary 26, 2012 at 7:06 PM

    Beautiful.

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  8. AnonymousFebruary 26, 2012 at 7:38 PM

    Preslee looks just like Patrick on that swing! She was soooo beautiful. Sweet beautiful angel. Peace and love to you.

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  9. AnonymousFebruary 26, 2012 at 8:27 PM

    ThanK you for sharing! I lost my brother/best friend almost for months ago. I don't know how I will be happy again but I believe through you it can happen. Your children are beautiful and Thanks for the blog.

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  10. GlendaJoFebruary 26, 2012 at 8:53 PM

    Such an inspiration to many.. You are an amazing Mom to your children and a great wife to Patrick I am so glad you can see the memories in a positve way and know that someday you will be a FOREVER family again. Love your inspiration and positive ways to express what you feel it helps those that follow your blog. have a fantastic week ahead.. Give that little boys kisses he love you lots..

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  11. AinsleyFebruary 26, 2012 at 9:31 PM

    You are so strong. Your faith is so incredibly inspiring. Your writing is beautiful and so are your children. Thank you for sharing your story with us.

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  12. JodiFebruary 26, 2012 at 10:06 PM

    Love you Ash.... Love and miss sweet little Preslee....beautiful post....sorry it was a rough day. Love Mom

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  13. Kajsa and FamFebruary 27, 2012 at 9:20 AM

    Perfect. Your posts truely help me become a better mother and give more strength to my testimony. Preslee is beautiful and Ledger is darling. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

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  14. AnonymousFebruary 27, 2012 at 12:06 PM

    Ashley,

    You don't know me, I don't know you but I want you to know how beautiful your words of hope and encouragement are. I have grieved for the loss of loved ones. But recently my grief did not come from losing someone dear, my grief came from losing innocence. Last year, my family suffered a terrible loss. It has been the most difficult experience in my life. It was as excruciating as death. My two little girls were being abused. When we found out....our world came crashing down. My grief consumed me. I fell in that deep dark hole. It was the deepest, darkest place I have EVER been in. And believe me, I have had moments of grief. I have lost both of my parents....my mother when I was in my 20's and my father a little bit later. So I KNOW grief! I can totally relate to your experiences in many levels. I too felt like it would never end. But, it does and it has improved. I thank the Lord every day for the people that have been placed in my life to help me through the healing/grieving process. He is truly a merciful God and LOVES each and every one of US!! Thank you for your beautiful testimony! You are a treasure!

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  15. carolyne bFebruary 27, 2012 at 12:54 PM

    Today I read an article in the Dessert News about death.http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865550842/When-grieving-the-loss-of-a-child-feeling-is-healing.html?s_cid=Email-4
    It is a wonderful article beautifully written by someone who has been there. Keep sharing what you feel you need to share and want to. There are others who are or will walk where you and Patrick and been. By talking about Preslee, Patrick, Ledger and yourself it will comfort you and others whom you don't know.

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  16. MercediFebruary 27, 2012 at 2:26 PM

    Thank you for this post. Grief can come in many different ways and for many different reasons. I have had to grieve for our lost plans. I have also had to almost let go of who my husband was before his injury and fall in love with who he is now. But there is hope. There has to be hope for something good to come. Somedays are better than others. Thank you for sharing your hope and I'm so glad you have felt happiness.

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  17. Auntie EMFebruary 27, 2012 at 6:45 PM

    You are wise and the way you have so faithfully dealt with the pain and loss of your Preslee has inspired me so many times. You are right - all of us grieve in different ways but I found in my life the more I turn my troubles and difficulties over to the Savior and try to live with faith and hope, things seems better. My loss is nothing like yours but I have had my share of heartache in life. But....I have also been so blessed with a good family, friends who never let me down, good ward friends, and the promises of the gospel to help me along the way. Thanks for sharing your life and your beautiful children with all of us.

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  18. thepagefamilyFebruary 27, 2012 at 7:57 PM

    Ashley,

    Thank you so much for this recent post. It has now been 13 months since I have lost my sweet daughter at 28 months. She had a seizure while sleeping. We have been devastated. I constantly cry to my husband that I can not feel like this forever. Thank you for giving me hope that some day I may smile again.
    Tracy
    page410@netzero.net

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  19. UnknownFebruary 27, 2012 at 8:27 PM

    so beautiful. thank you.

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  20. lindseyFebruary 27, 2012 at 8:30 PM

    love this post! it reminds me of our conversation a little when we went down to hidden trasures

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  21. BrookeFebruary 27, 2012 at 8:48 PM

    I can't tell you how many times your blog has helped me. The spirit seems to whisper to me to check your blog on a regular basis and every time I do I am uplifted and strengthened. I first learned of your blog through one of the bags you made for PCMC. We were given the bag when our little Weston was in the Picu there during one of his many stays . I will be forever grateful for the tender mercy it was for me that day and for the many times it has been since then. Our little Wes returned home to his Heavenly Father two weeks and one day ago. He was four months exactly. Thank you for your courage and strength in sharing your journey. I have appreciated your honesty your testimony your faith and your ability to do hard things. You have given me much strength and courage and hope that I will too be able to do this hard thing . Keep on holding on. You are an answer to this moms heart.
    P.s. Danielle Warnke and I are also cousins :-)

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  22. Kassie NFebruary 27, 2012 at 11:29 PM

    Ash, I love reading your blog. Simple as that! You have such a way with words, and you know how to touch people's lives. You truly have a wonderful gift!! thanks for this post.. its so precious to hear you talk so sweetly of Preslee. I've never even met her, but i miss her! Everything i have the opportunity to read from you strengthens my testimony... thank you so much :) keep it up and keep smiling.

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  23. TinaFebruary 28, 2012 at 5:51 AM

    Love your blog. My baby has been gone for almost 11 years and I agree with you. Her bday is approaching though and I always get that ache all over again.


    Tina

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  24. AnonymousMarch 1, 2012 at 10:03 PM

    This is a beautiful post. I linked to your blog a while back from Noah Estes sight (praying for noah). If you didn't know we have now been able to establish a non-profit for children with obscure diseases. Maybe of these children will not recover and their families will go through this kind of grief. I'm going to print off this blog page, with your permission, and keep it as a reminder for myself and others.
    -Lynnette Willims

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  25. AnonymousApril 5, 2012 at 11:41 PM

    Thank you -Kytha

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  26. AnonymousJune 20, 2012 at 3:55 PM

    Thank you. Have been glued to your blog today. And this post is why... I needed this! Bless your heart, your fam and your sweet angel.

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Hi, we're the Sullengers! Life turned upside down for us in 2010 when we lost our daughter in an accidental drowning. Since then, we've documented our highs (life with all five of our kids) and our lows (struggles with grief) but amongst everthing we've experienced, we know as long as we hold on to one another we can get through anything that comes our way. Read More. . .

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