My friend shared her so called "motto" with me. "I CAN DO HARD THINGS." I say it to myself over and over everyday.
Life is hard, but we must endure it. Sometimes I feel sorry for those around me trying to support me. I know they try to figure out how I'll react to different situations beforehand. But I must admit that predicting the outcome must be nearly impossible, because I have no idea how I'll react until I'm in the moment.
There have been some places I knew would be difficult to visit without Preslee. The first night back from PCMC, Pat begged me to visit the canal. After much hesitation, I took Pat's hand and walked outside his dad's house with him. As we approached the canal, the anxiety and fear quickly disappeared and we were both filled with a strong peace. I felt almost as if Pres was saying, "mom and dad I was just fine." At that moment I was able to forgive myself for going out on a date that night and not being there for her when she needed me most. This experience taught me that avoiding the places which make me think of Preslee isn't going to help me in any way. So these last couple of weeks I've geared up and visited many of the places that I have sweet memories of her. I tell myself, "I CAN DO HARD THINGS" right before I go in. Sometimes I am able to do it, and other times I leave with tears streaming down my face. But then the next time I go doesn't seem so hard.
Or it's those times that sneak up on you when you never expect it- and for a split moment you forget she's gone. Like when I went to Subway and found myself ordering extra extra olives, because Preslee loved olives! Once I sat down to eat it, I started collecting them to give to her when it hit, she's not here...
So yesterday as I left zumba, I noticed I had missed a call from Pat's brother Jamie. He isn't a morning person so I knew his wife Linsy, who is almost a week over due, must be in labor! She was and had checked into EIRMC, where Preslee was life-flighted the first time. The thought of that hospital brought back strong emotions. I stewed over the information and wondered if I could handle going to the hospital, and to see a new baby. Lately, I haven't wanted much to do with any babies. Then suddenly the phrase popped into my head, "I CAN DO HARD THINGS."
When I walked in and saw little Ivy, I was overcome by so many different emotions. I immediately longed for my baby. My arms literally ached to hold Preslee. As Ivy was handed to me, I felt such a peace. I could have held her all night. Newborns come with just a little bit of heaven and for a moment I felt as if I was holding the closest thing to Preslee. She has a strong little spirit. Then I was filled with such a hope that Pat and I won't be empty nesters for long. Even though I know the next baby won't fill the void, it will definitely help.
When you find yourself in a difficult situation remember the phrase, "I CAN DO HARD THINGS." It's possible. Life is hard, we just have to learn how to plow through it.
We couldn't be happier for Jamie and Linsy to experience Parenthood. She's beautiful. Welcome to the fam Ivy! We love you!